to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

DS back teeth came through bad as did my nieces, my DD's are fine, they have the same diet.You can't control everything.
Also the advise on nut allergies is really only for people with nut allergies in the family and there are different theories on whether you should avoid them or not ,nobody really knows (Ds has nut allergy again DD doesn't same diet)
You really can't control everything, I have come to the conclusion over the years that fate takes more of hand than we would like it to.

Also at the moment I want the least possible face to face contact with my ex and don't even want to think about talking to his parents, but I can't rely on him as a go-between because he is split between not annoying/upsetting them and not making things even worse between us for our daughters sake and when he is stuck between two things like that he tends to not do anything and hope it goes away.

Maybe he will step up and make a decision one way or the other but the problem is that I can't make him do that however much I want to and with his track record it's not likely that he will.

"Essentially what I would like to be able to say to him and his family is 'as long as you guys stick to these things that are really important to me i won't interfere with any other aspect of your relationship with my daughter, please respect that, i respect that she needs you guys and you need her' - the problem being how to go about doing that as even saying that in itself has the potential to cause offence."

Why don't you try saying just that May? Just literally say - "Look, I want you to keep seeing your GC and I don't want to interfere in your relationship with her. But it's scary for me not to be around all the time with my daughter, if you could try and keep to the really important stuff then I can relax and it will all work much better?"

Unless they're very unreasonable, I can't see how that would cause offence? Especially if you're explaining that it's to make you feel better, rather than because you doubt their abilities as carers.

Good Luck

it sounds to me as if this list is more about you and your XP agreeing on the common things that are important to you - you're talking about it as though it's mainly for the grandparents, but is it really?

I mean sugary snacks between meals for eg - yes this is something to stick to for every day and important that you and your XP share the same views, but the occasional biscuit that she has at her grandparents is NOT going to impact on her dental health unless she is there literally every day.

And your last posts make it sound as if it's more directed at your XP than his parents - especially your remarks about having "come back" if the agreed strategies aren't stuck to.

I think that working out your common parenting strategies with your XP is a great idea, and writing them down probably couldn't hurt. But don't confuse this with a document for her grandparents, extended family etc.

I wouldn't have a formal document but if you have concerns I would think it was ok to write a list and sit down with your ex partner and say, these are things I am concerned about. I would limit it to dangerous things, like car seats, choking hazards, and so on. I would not include stuff that they will definitely ignore, like biscuits between meals, or whatever, because in the grand scheme of things these are not important. If you suspect that really important things will not be done when she's with other people, I think it's ok to write it down, but I think you will have to learn to let other things go. If you can maintain as good a relationship as possible with her dad and grandparents you will be doing your child a huge favour.

You poor thing. Sounds like you've had a pretty rough time of it and that you've had to be the adult in your relationship with your DP as well as with your DD which is exhausting.

I also wonder if now your DP doesn't have you around to take care of all the grown up stuff for him, that he might step into that role a bit more. By doing a list, you're allowing him to continue being a little boy.

I wonder if you could write down all the things that you see as essential now and then look at it to see whether they are essentials or just ideal. To me, there is a gulf between the odd biscuit and not using a car seat.

My mum looks after my DS one day a week as I said earlier and she does give him biscuits. Although I'd prefer it if she didn't, I don't think it's worth upsetting her over as I realise I'm being slightly precious over it. I wouldn't compromise at all over use of a car seat though.

I'm a single working parent and I know how hard it is but I think you have to let things go to a degree or you'll drive yourself potty

btw, good luck however you decide to tackle this - your DD is obviously very lucky to have such a conscientious and caring mum

I had issues with my ds1's dad taking care of him when he was small (we split when I got pregnant)...there were times when DS1's safety was really put at risk e.g a)no car seat in his van b) pissed/coming down at access visits c) taking 4 month old ds to the house of a complete stranger/girl he had pulled the night before etc. You really need to get into perspective what a 'real' and a 'perceived' risk is, write them down and decide which of them is a proper concern and which is just an opinion of yours. Then discuss, discuss, discuss with ex-p until it sinks in for him. No-one here can blame/flame you for being concerned about your daughters welfare but discriminating against your in-laws 'generation' by giving them an instruction manual on how to care for a small child seems very patronising. How would you feel if they started to question your ability as a parent now you're a single mother? You'd be rightly outraged. They could see a document like this as making them out to be old incompetent morons, questioning their ability to look after their grandaughter. They'd have every right to chuck it in the (virtual) bin.

I think that in essence what you are proposing sounds at a glance a reasonable idea, it is a VVVVVVVVV fine line you tread, provding information useful to carers and partonising them / being controling.

FWIW my Dsis has 5, 3 and 2 year old DC's who due to distance rarely spend extendd periods with their father and grandmother, Dsis did write a little bit about each of them prior to a visit and emailed it to ensure that her children were safe ( middle child has special needs and is likely to run of if not on a rein in a pushchair. However she would not dream of stipulating salt in diet, biscuits etc. (at home she provides an organic largely vegi diet!)

I think with hindsight you will realise that these become less significant issues facing your child , and the odd biscut or meal with salt will not harm them in the grand scheme of things, yes everyday these would be harmful but you need to remember you will be the main carer and will largely control what happens tpo your child on a day to day basis.

Choose your battles wisely and you are much more likely to win i.e. approach with fewer but well thought out things i.e car seats peanuts and soothers and it becomes leass of an issue than approaching with and endless list of demands which is what they would be veiwed as.

Hi - I think with a 14 month old it is absolutely reasonable to put down some notes on how to care for your DD. An idea of her routine, the types of things she eats, how to get her to sleep, tips on translating some of her 'gobbledigook' e.g. how she asks for water or signs that she is tired.

Best of luck.

I started reading this thinking you were being a bit over the top. However, I am not in the position where I have to hand my Dcs to someone else other then people I have chosen usually Dh or my mum!
I respect what you are trying to do because you come across as someone who is trying to avoid conflict and make a sad situation (for you and exh) work for the sake of your DD.
My brother has split from his wife and he was gutted when she came to visit with her ears pierced (she is 4 btw) someting that he really didn't want to happen but he was never consulted. It must be very difficult to hand over the control if you are split from your child's father or mother and I wish you lots of luck and I hope you find a way that works for everyone.

Sorry my brother was gutted when his dd came to visit (his wife was not a child bride)!

OK I'm going to say it...

have you been to see your GP? Because in all absolute honestly, you sound neurotic. You do sound, to me, as though you have undiagnosed PND which can manifest itself in this way. I have a friend who didn;t get any help for a long time and became more and more hung up about the most innocuous stuff.

If you have been, and you haven't got it, then please let your husband care for his daughter in the way he sees fit...he might be a man but that doesn't, actually, mean he is therefore a bloody idiot.

FWIW I think Whatfreshhell... has got it spot on. Obviously it's not unreasonable to want them to be up to date on things like car seats and nuts, and a gentle reminder about fire guards and keeping medicine out of the way would probably be helpful if they haven't had kids around for while.

Perhaps you could buy them a grandparenting book, or get some leaflets from your health visitor that would help them out.

With food preferences, perhaps rather then dictate what they do and don't give her you could put a note in her bag when she stays with them saying ' by the way DD's favourite is X at the moment'. (If they're determined to give her a treat - Baby Organix do some nice biscuits, all sweetened with fruit juice). Or say you'd rather she didn't have sweet stuff between meals but if they do it can they give her teeth a brush afterwards (if she's anything like my DD about having her teeth brushed that should soon put them off doing it )

At the end of the day, you can say what you like, reasonable or not, and there is no guarantee they will follow your wishes. I had this myself to a lesser degree with my MIL when she looked after DD while I was at work, and in the end just had to let it ride a lot of the time or we would have killed each other!

Sounds perfectly fine to me but try not to get upset if people don't take it on board, they would have done that anyway even if you hadn't split iyswim

If you don't trust your partner and his parents to love and care for your child then don't permit her to be with them.

If you do trust them but don't like them then just get over it. Much as we would like to be we are not the sole influence on our children. They are not mirror images of us, they are their own person.

Oh deary me... know exactly where you're coming from, but really don't think a document of this sort is going to win you any brownie points from you ex's family

You can't control everything, certainly not by drafting a set of 'rules'. It would be much better to foster a better opinion of these people, and speak openly to your ex about your fears... it's up to him if he want's his family involved in your dd's upbringing, and up to him to uphold both of your standards when she's away from you.

You can't have rigid control-no matter how much you want to! Your ex is equally a parent.
I would discuss a few things but a document is way OTT.
It would give me a good laugh if I was caring for her and I am afraid I would ignore anything I found too PFB.
I think it will do more harm than good. I would presume that those caring for her love her and have her best interests at heart. You will have to learn to relax and let them get on with it.

Message withdrawn

Oh dear! Your daughter isn't the centre of the universe, although she may be to you.

Sounds like it'll do her good to have a break and experience a different environment.

Do the document if you must, but are you REALLY gonna keep updating it every couple of weeks as things change?

i.e now that it's getting colder, she MUST wear two layers plus a cardi and a coat, plus mittens and a hat. Don't forget to pack a complete change of clothes in case she falls into a puddle. Take her hat and coat off immediately when go indoors, even if it is to just pop into a shop quickly because overheating can cause cotdeath etc. etc.

Specific things that apply to her could be useful i.e she's going through a climbing phase, is obsessed with banging doors etc. could be helpful to forewarn them though.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable at all. Most people I know, if their very young child goes to stay with someone else, they provide a brief note setting out their routine, things to watch out for etc.

Query - whether or not anyone will actually read it....

But my tips would be -

• word it nicely. ie Head it "Baby's Day" rather than "what I expect with regard's Baby's care"

• make it brief - long rambling passages about sodium intake etc just aren't going to be read. use bullet points and try to make it humorous rather than dictatorial

• the safety stuff - try and word it as top tips ie Baby is fond of attempting the stairs , but can't quite manage, please keep an eye etc.

• try and get your ex on board with it, as he is likely to have the most sucess in getting others to read it

Best of luck.

very controlling and a little ridiculous if you want my honest opinion !

Not being funny, but when a child goes to nursery it's fine to communicate via a book as to how the child's health is, what she likes/dislikes but if the OP attempts to do the same with the other people caring for her child she's advised is seek medical help people on here have some strange ideas.