to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

Ooh gosh please don't do this. You're effectively saying 'I'm the only one who knows how to look after my DD'. Your DP is her dad. He needs to make decisions on her behalf and it's up to him to tell his parents how to care for her

FWIW I have never given my CM or nursery a list of what they should and shouldn't do with my DS. Or indeed my mum who looks after him one day a week. He is not remotely confused.

A question for people who think it is OTT,

is it unreasonable to state 'don't add salt to DD's food' when I know they have done in the past because they 'just forgot' or keep medicines/chemicals out of reach' when she came running out of the bathroom brandishing the toilet brush 'it's all right thought because it's clean' (err yeah, but cleaned with bleach, i still don't want her touching it/playing with it/deciding to taste it)?

or have I got it wrong and all the safety guidelines are actually waaaay to over the top in the first place and it's okay to add salt to a 14 month old's food or leave bottles of bleach or medicines within reach?

so you have lectured the childminder on child safety??????

you really do need to relax a litte. Actually, relax alot. People aren;t stupid, my parents know we have to use carseats now but I wouldnt dream of writing things like 'what to do when teething' into a care plan.

personally think yabu ut if that's what you and ex want then fair enough.but be prepared for the backlash if you start giving out to people who are minding your child as a favour/for free/just to spend time with their grandchildren. grandparents naturally spoil their grandkids and also are probably smart enough not to need a written document telling them not to let children play on the stairs.it's a rocky road to go down especially if something important comes up (job interview/wedding/big night out) where you are now in desperate need of omeone to mind the kids but have burnt bridges due to your document.people will take an attitude of "well we're suibtable enough to babysit when she needs to be somewhere"

I think it would depend on the way you phrase it to be honest.

If you go in all guns blazing with a "THESE ARE MY RULES AND HERE IS WHY YOU MUST STICK WITH THEM" kind of manifesto (whether written with your XP or not) then I think you do risk putting people's backs up.

But if you present it as a "We know DD will be with more carers from now on and here is a useful document to explain what she's used to, it will help give her continuity at this changing time" then perhaps it will come across as more supportive than hectoring?

I think it adds to a childs sense of security to realise that different people can look after them in different ways and that everything will be ok.

But maybe for your child to embrace this, you need to do it too?

a pinch of salt while cooking is not going to harm a 14mth old

toddlers do run around with toilet bruses - they eat their own poo and cat litter and snails and carpet fluff and whatever else..........you cannot escape it because it will and does happen

This is why no nuts = Peanuts and peanut butter - Because they can produce highly allergic reactions, peanuts and peanut butter should never be eaten by children younger than 3 years.

Also we have a history of allergies in the family.

Other nuts I would rather we avoid because of the choking hazard, although fine as an ingredient in cooking.

If I was looking after someones child as a favour I'd be pleased to get a plan to look at, as it would help me understand their concerns & what they considered important.

I think in order for it to work and not get people's backs up i think you need to involve your ex in putting the guidelines together and to also give it to everyone that will care for your dc - your family as well as his.

Also, rather than introducing it as a formal document that must be followed introduce it as a guideline to make people's life easier in caring for your dc - such as if she does this it's because she wants this, she eats at these times, sleeps at these times, etc.

If you make it too formal and demanding that's when you miht get resistance.

With discipline dc know what different people expect from them and can cope with being disciplined in different ways. Suggest how people can deal with discipline rather than telling people how to discipline, such as "i find that if she is doing this then dealing with it like this works".

Be honest with people why you're doing this - you're trying to provide consistency for your dd and make sure she is happy with the family situation. You don't want to make enemies you want to make thigns easier for everyone. I think you might get better reception if you're open to other people's suggestions and talk to them as well as providing them with something on paper. The paper document should be supportive not constricting.

"have I got it wrong and all the safety guidelines are actually waaaay to over the top in the first place and it's okay to add salt to a 14 month old's food or leave bottles of bleach or medicines within reach? "

being slighty hyperbolic there in fairness aren't we?or do you seriously expect people to answer "yes it's fine to leave bleach and medicine with a child"
a toilet brush is not bleach or medicine and it being in reach of a child is an unavoidable risk.i'd wager that your kitchen floor is cleaned with bleach and there are probably more germs on a set of house keys, but you'[d need to be unbelievably vigilent to stop your child touching or tasting these at some point throughout their youth.

Although with regards to medicines in dc's reach and other household safety things, I wouldn't include these in the document - I would talk to your ex about your concerns and see if he can make sure that his family sort these things out.

you can remind people about your wishes - but at the same time you can't stand over them 24/7 and ensure they read, remember and constantly abide by this document.

No document in the world is going to prevent a doting grandparent slipping their grandchild the odd chocolate biscuit, or stop them forgetting and adding a pinch of salt to the bolognese sauce.

Keeping open lines of communication and not battering people over the head with how "wrong" certain things are will probably stand you in better stead than getting too prescriptive.

Dd is at her Nanna's house and she will eat loads of crap, and they will praise her for eatng her dinner (?!) and spoil her immeasurably...

but they love her and I trust them.

I would not let her stay anywhere where I thought her safety or well-being would be compromised. I would maybe drop a few casual reminders into conversation if she was staying at Grandma's (don't trust her as implicitly) - is this what you mean? The document might be useful for you dh to make a judgement call, when you are not around? It must be hard thinking things will happen to/with her that you have no control over, but as you said, ytour ex is a kind and loving dad.

I do a version of this for my Mum when she comes over to look after my DCs and we are going away.

It is not so detailed now but in the beginning it was

1. good for me to know that I had written all the details down, routine, food, details of docs, phone numbers of ambulance, fire stations, neighbours etc. I felt calmer and happier goign away knowing that my mum could refer to the plan if need be.

1. It gave my mum an idea of what was happening, what stage the DCs were at, what they were eating, what they were scared of.

In our case, we lived in Germany so 6 mths could pass between visits and there are big changes in a childs life and habits in the first couple of years.

I don't think YABU, but you should limit it to the important things and leave off stuff like the salt. If she is eating a healthy diet 90% of the time with you then there is no point in getting them and yourself het up about it.

Good points would be

• any medicines that your DD is taking

• any allergies or intolerances

• is she scared of anything at present

• her favourite toys

• your doc name, address and tel no

Don't go overboard with the "nobrainers". They may seem important to you, and they are, but seen in the grand scheme of things they are not so critical.

i did write a list of everything like this for my PILs when i had to go away for a few days. i went through it with my MIL, and did feel quite foolish about some of it, but at the end of the day i felt reassured,+ my MIL knew what was going on.

My dc's are older than yours, and most of my childcare is done by my mil. Her idea of looking after children is very different to mine, but I had no choice at the time.

A few years on and it has done the dc's the world of good, seeing that there is a different way of doing things. They know that different places have different rules and that 'well grandma lets us do x' gets them no where.

It's important that you and xdp sit down and discuss how you wand your child to be brought up, however, she is his child as well, and should therefore have large input into this

Wow, I really never thought I had dead over the top standards about childcare but maybe I should just let my child eat poo, drink bleach and stick her hands in the fire... or maybe not because I would be unable to give her any decent time and attention because I would be mega worried and stressed because I'd be pushing myself to go against my own nature as a person.

No, I didn't talk to the childminder about child safety because I know that in order to be registered she has to be checked and signed off by ofsted etc but she did ask things like 'my kids have orange squash is that ok for your daughter or would you prefer me to give her water?' or 'is it okay to give calpol for teething pains?'

I'm not talking about people doing a one off babysit for a couple of hours having a document thrust upon them before they can be trusted to sit downstairs while she sleeps, but if she is spending a good deal of time in their house, e.g. going round every sunday, is there such a problem with making clear what I expect with regard to a few basic things such as what she eats, drinks and is or isn't allowed to play with (i.e. toys, yes box full of medicine, no).

Ultimately, if they choose to ignore what I've asked them to do there's nothing I can do. I can't say 'fine you can't see her then' as that is not in her interests, but I also have no comeback if they never knew what I/we were asking for in the first place and I wouldn't ask for something that I didn't believe was in her best interest in the first place.

wow! You are being a bit aggressive: "maybe I should just let my child eat poo, drink bleach and stick her hands in the fire"

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you do that - they are trying to gently suggest that writing a formal document saying "Do not let DD eat poo or drink bleach" may be a tad over the top.

You can't safeguard against accidents (which is what these would be) - unless you think these people are seriously incompetent, in which case why are you leaving your child with them in the first place, what are these kind of instructions actually going to achieve other than piss them off?

Tell them useful information like naps, favourite foods etc - yes. Teach them how to suck eggs - no.

May1808 - Depends what your parenting boundaries are - some people are free range & others like to decide for their child. Your plan works for you as you are in the driving seat as a parent - other people are able to take a backseat & hand over their child with acceptance of whatever the carer will do.

the point is whether you 'let her' or not - your dd will one day eat poo or something else disgusting....it will happen. No amount of planning and gudielines and safety watch will stop that happening.