well am i???????

[Theladyevenstar]

Dp's DS2 is 14 he has not ever been overly excited about seeing dp since I have known him. We last saw him on 19-20th september during which time he muttered maybe 50 words and they were..

Are you renting this home or did you buy it?

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest.

Oh you have a ps3

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh K has a ferarri bed

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh Z has a load of new toys

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

When did you buy V (me) a new camera

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

He only visited as I had kept on at dp as it was my ds2's 1st birthday.

OOppss should explain DP has 2 ds's from previous relationship, I have ds1 from previous and ds2 with dp.

He didn't bring a card for ds2 which i thought was nasty???

Anyway when dp took him home and came back I said to him whats the bet that dss doesn't contact you until he wants something...so far no contact and never in when dp calls.

Now a month on DP is wanting to take him on holiday with us and I have put my foot down.

I have been thinking about this too. Apart from the abuse thing (which I don't know enough about to comment on but the soiling I think is very worrying) I wonder if your DP has considered the effect of his adoption of your DS on his own DSs? I can't imagine how difficult that must be for your DSS and unless it's been really sensitively discussed (and it doesn't seem likely), it will cause lasting psychological damage.

It seems unbelievably cruel that he's just pretty much washed his hands of him. Don't you worry that when your DS gets to a more difficult age that he's going to do the same there too?

I also meant to say that I think you're taking all this criticism very well - it can't be easy reading for you.

I think you're in a very difficult position with regard to getting external help for him. You don't have parental responsibility for him, so it isn't as simple as just taking him to the doctor. It's one of those situations where I think you would overstep the mark as a step-parent if you did. I can't just imagine the thread "AIBU to think that my xh's new wife shouldn't have taken my child to the doctor when I didn't think there was any need". Mumsnet would probably spontaneously combust!

However, the more I read of this thread the more I worry about this boy and I think in this case maybe it's a time when his needs overrule those of not wanting to tread on his mum's toes. But should you set the ball rolling and get social services/whoever involved you will be the bad guy in his mum's eyes, maybe your dh's and in his eyes too and what you will have to hold onto is that in the long run it will be in the best interests of your dss.

What a difficult, difficult situation for you.

It might be a dynamic in some step-families, not all of them.

If this thread is for real and you really have considered the possibility that your dss might have Aspergers Syndrome, then here are a few things that you might want to take into consideration:

The soiling: Problems with the bowels are fairly common in people on the autistic spectrum.

Not making polite conversation: Difficulties with social skills are part of the criteria for a diagnosis.

Wanting the same bed each time: If your dss has come to see this as part of the usual routine when he stays then it is no wonder that he is insisting on carrying on with this each time.

Sharing mother's bed: If he's the type of child who does something once then automatically makes it into a new part of his routine (as above with your son's bed) then it's easy to see how this might have started. If he climbed in one night (illness, comfort etc) then he might well have continued with that. His mother may have gone along with it at the time and then realised that this kind of routine is tough to break. How do you kick a 6ft 2 14yr-old out? I find meltdowns from my 8yr-old tough and he's tiny compared to your dss.

Staying up late and then getting up soon after: Again very common with AS. Sometimes a Paed will prescribe melatonin to try to deal with the problem but even this won't stop a child from waking up again soon after.

Whether AS or entirely NT, your dss desperately needs to see someone about the soiling.

I wish I hadn't come back to this thread.
I couldn't come on here yesterday, but it's the first thread I came back to look at as I too was thinking of the op's DSS.

Reading everything else has made me feel very worried for him and if I was the op, I wouldn't sit back and post on AIBU when something this serious could be going on.

I just hope the the op gets this boy the help he needs.

I agree he needs help and have today had a chat with dp. I found out more about dss as he was growing up and when dp had finished I asked him if he had ever consider the possibility that dss had aspergers syndrome. He told me he had and shortly before he split with ex made appts to with the gp to discuss this. Apparently ex wasn't having any of it and it all added to the split, I also found out that ex had told dss that when dp moved out he didn't want to see him anymore. The case was dp was out of the country in Canada for 9 months so it wasn't like he could pop in for a cuppa (beside the point I know) but had had regular phone contact and emails letters etc.

During this chat he told me the reason dss didn't want to come without me being there was more her doing than dss's as she is paranoid that dp will take him to the drs. He admits he finds dss hard to cope with and dislikes his behaviour I asked him if he had always been the same and he told me pretty much always from what he can remember (bearing in mind he worked 12 hr shifts and saw dss for a short while daily only).

I have expressed my concerns and he is going to talk to ex again as he is also concerned.

Lost track of this thread abit...but so glad you are now moving forward and now trying to get dss the help he deserves...
Just a suggestion but as your DP has now accepted the possibility of AS couldn't you 2 take dss to gp if AFTER CONVERSATION, mother still unwilling...I know thats far from ideal, but surely a better option than leaving dss without help.
Good luck!

just wanted to say well done for tackling this again with you dh.

Glad that is seems you may have made a little progress.

Would be good if you let us know how you get on. Good luck

Can't dp take him to doctors? I presume he has parental reponsibility, so can take him with or without his ex wife's input.

If she refuses to do anything, she is punishing her son, who would be a much happier boy with a proper diagnoses and support. She is being an unfit parent...isn't this the same as neglect?

Hope you get it sorted

Well done- after a dodgy start on this thread it seems as if you are really getting somewhere. That conversation with your dh gives crucial threads. I think it sounds like your dss does have a medical problem (+ also being a teenager- which you may not yet be used to).

The other major problem seems to be your dp. However carefully we turn this around and look at it from all angles it does seem like he can't be bothered to look out for his son, maybe even feels resentful against him because he has problems and seems to show him up. He certainly doesn't seem to stand up to you for his son, as you very naturally do for your own dc's. There is an imbalance there that seems worrying.

I know you said your children will never be step-parented but your dp is going to adopt your son- what if something then happens to you? Then this would be the man in sole charge of him. Do you trust him to deal with the situation if your ds in turn grows into a difficult teenager, as so many of them do? I think you need to put it to him that you need to see more action on behalf of his son, for your own peace of mind.

Agree that his ex-p appears to be neglecting him, abuse is a possibility, though maybe autism equally strong.

Cory, I think it is not resentment as much as frustration. It is easy for me to accept his behaviour as much as I can find it annoying (sorry but sometimes it can be because as of yet all I know it is just his normal behaviour without a reason iyswim)

It's a good step to take. My cousin was not diagnosed as autistic until his 30s because of his parents' refusal to admit the behaviour he exhibited was unusual in any way.

I can only imagine that your dss has a tough time at school; it would be interesting to know whether the school have every raised his behaviour with his mother?

Heated, I don't know i do know from more talking with do that he even got as far as being on the way to the gp and ex stopped him

They weren't married and because dss was born 14yrs ago dp has no PR over him.

Right, that explains why he hasn't taken him again. Hmmm....tricky then.

With my backing dp phoned ex this morning and had a long talk with her telling her it was time for dss to get some help. She screamed and shouted down the phone and told him if he dared mention it again she would make 100% certain that dss NEVER wanted to see dp let alone the few times SHE allows him to.

DP said well in that case I will have to take it further then and she told him he could do what he wanted but nobody was going to do anything she didn't want to her baby as she won't allow it. And she also said she did not see a prob with dss sleeping in her bed almost everynight as it gave them both a lot of comfort. DP then told her it was abnormal and she screamed what are you trying to say then.

She hung up after that and DP has taken my ds1 fishing for the day so other than a sleeping baby and the sound of the dryer i have peace n quiet lol.

YABU!

I bet your DSS don't poo himself at Cadets! Because he would be ripped apart for it.

I think that maybe your DP needs to spend some alone time with him without you there or your Ds's

I'm not surprised that he resents or bullies your DS as he most likely resents the fact he is living with his Dad.

Maybe you changed when the Baby was born as a kid My SM was wonderful till she had her own children and then she became a bitch from hell! I actually hate her and wish harm on her everyday. That is how your Dss will be.

As for your DP having to buy your DSS to get a visit somewhere along the line you or your DP encouraged this and began this and like any other child they he will know that its ok for this to happen so you both need to show him a different way.

If he is poohing himself to get his own way that is the fault of the adults in charge of him he is spoilt and only the parents can be blamed for spoiling him if you stop giving in he will get bored of doing it.

I do think you resent your DSS a bit and he knows this and acts this way you don't take in account how he must be feeling. You forget that now he sees his Father making happy with 2 other Sons and a new partner that must be hard for him to see and feel.

Maybe he loves theme parks and why shouldnt he come if you invite him maybe spending the day at a museam or fishing is not something he enjoys doing I don't get why you invite him to the theme parks then moan about it

As for the bed I would go home as well if I had to sleep on an airbed espeically if it was easy for me to go home. Why can't your DS give up his bed for one night if it means so much for him to stay over?

YABU!

I bet your DSS don't poo himself at Cadets! Because he would be ripped apart for it.

I have never ripped him apart for it fgs just cleaned up after him and sent him back to bed when he did it.

I think that maybe your DP needs to spend some alone time with him without you there or your Ds's

DSS doesn't want to be with him alone, if you read all through this thread it has already been explained more than once.

I'm not surprised that he resents or bullies your DS as he most likely resents the fact he is living with his Dad.

Oh right and I should just accept that should I? Don't be silly he has to be told if he is wrong.

Maybe you changed when the Baby was born as a kid My SM was wonderful till she had her own children and then she became a bitch from hell! I actually hate her and wish harm on her everyday. That is how your Dss will be.

I never changed at all, I still invite dss everytime we are going anywhere.

As for your DP having to buy your DSS to get a visit somewhere along the line you or your DP encouraged this and began this and like any other child they he will know that its ok for this to happen so you both need to show him a different way.

No we never encouraged it.

If he is poohing himself to get his own way that is the fault of the adults in charge of him he is spoilt and only the parents can be blamed for spoiling him if you stop giving in he will get bored of doing it.

Or as already pointed out he may be SN.

I do think you resent your DSS a bit and he knows this and acts this way you don't take in account how he must be feeling. You forget that now he sees his Father making happy with 2 other Sons and a new partner that must be hard for him to see and feel.

I don't resent him at all he is a child and I treat him as such, if he is wrong for doing something he will be told and vice versa. And yes I treat my ds1 the same way he is told if he does something wrong. DS2 on the other hand is still a baby.

Maybe he loves theme parks and why shouldnt he come if you invite him maybe spending the day at a museam or fishing is not something he enjoys doing I don't get why you invite him to the theme parks then moan about it

We don't invite him, its a case of if we are not going to one he won't see his dad unless he is bought something.

As for the bed I would go home as well if I had to sleep on an airbed espeically if it was easy for me to go home. Why can't your DS give up his bed for one night if it means so much for him to stay over?

Because it is his bed, dss had his own bed but then stopped visiting so when we moved dp said he was not wasting money on another bed and also ds1's bedroom is not big enough for another bed and ds2's cot.

How odd. Am wondering what his mother is so frightened of? I can't work it out tbh.

So do you think your dh will take him to the gp or has mm's hysterical reaction to the idea made him reluctant? And does he have any contact with school as his dad? Are there grandparents or any other family on scene who have an influence?

heated,
is very strange indeed. DP has no contact with school, his mother has not had any contact with him since the split except when he was very ill in hospital in 2006 and i contacted her. Since then nothing.

Personally I think she has a problem with accepting anything is wrong as the elder son (23) is very clever, and quite the opposite of dss. Also been told in conversation today that dss doens't like coming here as he gets upset as ds1 (he feels) puts him to shame in some ways...reading, writing, maths.

Now i feel even more concerned for him.

In light of his mother's hysterical reaction to the suggestion her SS goes to the doctor, I think your partner should DEFINITELY take him to the doctor.