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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

well am i???????

206 replies

Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:20

Dp's DS2 is 14 he has not ever been overly excited about seeing dp since I have known him. We last saw him on 19-20th september during which time he muttered maybe 50 words and they were..

Are you renting this home or did you buy it?

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest.

Oh you have a ps3

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh K has a ferarri bed

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh Z has a load of new toys

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

When did you buy V (me) a new camera

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

He only visited as I had kept on at dp as it was my ds2's 1st birthday.

OOppss should explain DP has 2 ds's from previous relationship, I have ds1 from previous and ds2 with dp.

He didn't bring a card for ds2 which i thought was nasty???

Anyway when dp took him home and came back I said to him whats the bet that dss doesn't contact you until he wants something...so far no contact and never in when dp calls.

Now a month on DP is wanting to take him on holiday with us and I have put my foot down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:18

and I have enough washing to do with a baby still in reusable nappies without having to wash extra bedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:21

Red at 14 I was helping to care for my disabled dad, No resentment there, no regrets. He taught me a hell of a lot and I didn't care that we never had a holiday abroad, that we didn't have name brands etc....But Most of all he taught me to tolerate people which I do BUT i don't like dp being taken for a ride by a child. And that is what is happening even if the mother is telling him what to ask for.

OP posts:
RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:21

That is a really hateful thing to say
I use reuseable nappies, theres not that much work involved - the washing machine does the hard work. If you are scared of the mattress getting soiled buy a mattress protector.
It really sounds to me like you are excluding him.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:22

Red, the point is i am not. I include him in everything

anyway am off to bed with a poorly baby.

OP posts:
RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:25

you don't sound as though you are being tolerant to your dss. I think you should take a few minutes to read back what you have posted and really think about how you have said certain things.

RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:32

you just sound so hard done by

poorly baby
disabled father
DH who is being taken for a ride by a child

I think you are maybe having a bad day and will feel diffently about things tomorrow.
We all have things going on in our lives. I for one was brought up by my grandparents - my grandfather was disabled, my grandmother died of cancer when i was only 17 (who i also looked after) then I took on my sister when she went through a bad patch and brought her up through her teenage years. Life isn't easy, but your dss sounds as though he needs support not being cast aside.

If you include him in everything, then you would allow him to spend the occasional night in a proper bed and not let him think you don't allow it because he has accidents. He must feel as though you are casting him aside. You wouldn't do it with your own children (I wouldn't anyway).

StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine · 25/10/2008 01:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:34

I hope you feel better about this situation in the morning and I hope your baby is better soon.

Please try to tolerate your dss, he sounds to me as though he is crying out for love and inclusion.

RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:37

Frosty, glad I'm not the only one who thinks there is an underlying cause for her DSS's bedwetting. At 14 it usually is an indication of some sort of problem that needs careful attention.

Quattrocento · 25/10/2008 01:39

YABU

This mummy dearest shite sounds really nasty btw.

StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine · 25/10/2008 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 25/10/2008 01:45

Just read the whole thread

Wish I hadn't

I hate these threads that are about being vile to stepchildren

Still thought it was worth posting to say YABVU

Wouldn't want you to think anyone affirmed being nasty like this

Hope your DSS finds happiness inside himself and kindness from others

mooog · 25/10/2008 01:52

Just finished reading this thread and i am a bit shocked at op's attitude. I have a sixteen yr old ds and i can definitely say that they can be a bit
ignorant
bad tempered...for no obvious reason
sullen
nasty
BUT...they are teenagers and when something is bothering them, they find it almost impossible to explain what that 'something' is. Even when its not such a big problem it does not matter, it is BIG to them.
Maybe if op feels that way about him, he is picking up on it...kids are very intuitive and respond the only way they know how. To retreat into their PS2 or whatever.
If the poor lad is still bed-wetting then he seems to have a lot more problems than he is telling!!!

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 09:37

I am so tempted to tell you, you sound like a bitch and the stepmother from hell, but i wont.

I really hope you take on board some of the good advice on here, i dont think (unless i missed it) anyone has agreed that you are being reasonable so surely that must tell you something?

A fgs buy the boy a bed, he has gone from sleeping on a double bed, to bunk beds, to a fecking air matress because your ds wanted a different bed, you cant blame him for wanting to sleep in a proper bed! you nasty woman

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 25/10/2008 09:38

I am still going to stand by my post earlier. you say you don;t hate him......well, if this how you act when you say you love him, then I would not want that love.

you really do seem to dislike him, and he will pick up on it.

you post in AIBU, you ask if you are, we all say you are, and yet still you defend why you should continue feeling as you do without taking on board what ALL of us have said......that he is 14, still a child, and therefore needs YOU to make the effort.

so what if all he seems to want anyway is 'stuff', or money. My teen is notoriously 'stuff and money' orientated......it is what teens are all about. They are selfish creatures who are the centre of their own universes.......it is a natural thing that ALL teens do. you need to learn from this, you will have your own teens soon enough, and what then??

you must have known your DSS tho for a while now if you have a 1yr old with hos dad.......at least 2yrs, making him at the very least 12 when you met him. how did you react to him then? please don;t say that you have always felt like this???

you need to take on board what al of us have said and stop being so defensive about how you feel.........it is not your feelings here that count, it is the family and your DSS.

he actually sounds to me like a lovely brother......he joins in with what they are doing. not many 14yo would do that, they would be on a game station and ignoring everyone.....he does not do that. you are very lucky, as are both your sons.

one day this lad will be a man, and he will make it very obvious to you where you failed him.

I personally think he stays away simply because he feels unwelcome. and he comes when there is proof of love, which in a teens eyes, is something tangible. he is one very confused child.......and that it what he is....a child.

lulumama · 25/10/2008 09:43

YABVU

you are expecting a 14 year old boy to act like an fully grown and mature adult. of course he phones his dad when he needs/wants something, of course he texts his mum, of course he feels awkward around you, of course he didn;t bring a card for DS2, it would not be on his radar to do such a thing..

stop making this a 'him and us' situation

he is a mixed up boy, you should be helping to nurture him not disect his every move and every word to find fault

Tiggiwinkle · 25/10/2008 09:55

I too feel very sorry for your DSS. Despite posting that you love him, every word you say about him suggests otherwise. Perhaps you should read back thourgh the thread and really think about what everyone has said.

CombustiblePumpkin · 25/10/2008 10:04

I can't imagine how it must feel for a teenager to not be allowed to sleep in a 'proper' bed because he has toilet issues.

Heated · 25/10/2008 10:22

I don't think you are the SM from hell! It's hard to convey a complex problem on here.

FWIW: your dss sounds very uneasy & uncertain if he's bed wetting & constantly needing contact with his mum by text - and maybe it's the reason why he's reluctant to come over. No, your ds shouldn't give up his bed, but a blowup air-mattress for dss hardly smacks of welcome either. A better alternative could be a roll-out bed with mattress protector & dss chooses the duvet cover. DS has something very similar that's part way inside a tent when he stays at the g-ps, which he thinks is fab.

It's not many lads who'd happily play with young children; I think it's lovely that he does and he deserves praise for it.

Teenagers can be narcissistic & self-absorbed, especially if he's as 'young' as you say he is. The present bribery is something your dh needs to address, not you.

Ease off the perfect expectations and look to praise the positive when he is with you.

SuperSillyus · 25/10/2008 10:31

It sounds bad and the more you explain, the worse it sounds.

I have a 17 year old. When he visits his dad he gets bored and txts me. He brings presents to his brother because I send them. It's all normal.

But your dss seems insecure and a lost boy and you seem totally uncaring no matter what you say.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 10:31

well i didnt actually say she was the SM from hell, i just said i was tempted to say it and only because the op has not taken on board any of the good advice posted on here, after reading her posts i feel very for her dss

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 10:41

I have known him since he was 11,comig up to 12 and until last year we got on really the thing that changed it was him visiting upon my request AGAIN after I had had ds2. Ds1 and dss were playing and dss smacked ds1 for doing something he decided was naughty and playing his guitar (ds1's) I told him he had no right to do this as he was a child as well and since then he hasn't wanted to visit without payment of some kind.

He admitted he had hit ds1 on other occassions including after a family holiday I insisted dss came on to eurodisney, he wanted to go home the day we came back but it was late and dp said he would take him in the morning so dss hit ds1. Realise here dss is 6ft 2" and ds1 is 4ft 5" so a huge difference. Yes I know they are both children but i have to protect my ds1 and not allow dss to hit him because he was sulking.

As for the bed thing, the bunk beds were second hand as I paid for them out of my own money and could not afford the prices of new ones.

I love him dearly but because I won't allow him to bully ds1 he takes offence at it. Just a few months ago he stood in front of ds2 who was then 9m old trying to punch him and when I pulled him up on this he got the hump and said "But its not fair I want him to play fight with me"

He is a nice boy but very young for his age, we have to treat him with id gloves as he is easily upset. I am not used to this as my ds1 is the opposite

DS1 did ask to make ds2 a card without prompting i guess I am lucky.

As for the messing I don't mean wetting himself I mean he poo's himself when he wants something and can't have it, His mother told me he has always been the same can't get his own way he poos himself.

He did have a proper bed but this time round we could not afford to buy another bed. His mother and I have discussed a lot to do with dss and she said if i was not around she would not let dss visit dp and he wouldn't want to either.

I was using the term mummy dearest sarcasticly, she and I actually get on very well.

I am the one who pushes the visits as I know the effect it can have on a child not seeing dad/mum.

I hope I have explained things better now as I was shattered last night as ds2 has a chest infection and had not slept the night before.

OP posts:
Heated · 25/10/2008 10:49

It wasn't just your post VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits I was referring to with the 'SM from hell', but a fair summation of all the rest!

It can be hard to come on to MN and post honestly; and honesty is what's she's had back - in spades!

Having done the bludgeoning, some support is now in order. Having been far-from-perfect on the parenting front this week myself , imo more sympathetic, simple steps of advice might be easier to take on board.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 10:52

'DS1 did ask to make ds2 a card without prompting i guess I am lucky.' smug more like, every child is different.

'As for the bed thing, the bunk beds were second hand as I paid for them out of my own money and could not afford the prices of new ones' but you got rid and bought your ds a new bed, did you not even consider where your dss would sloeep when you did this?

He is 6'2" and you make him sleep on an air matress, must very very uncomfortable for him, why insist he go to euro Disney? if he doesnt want to go dont make him.

I'm sorry , but imo you havent explained yourself any better than yesterday. If he is soiling himself he obviously has issues, what does your dp think about all of this? Maybe what he needs is to spend some quality time with his dad 'alone' without your interference.

Heated · 25/10/2008 10:52

Does your dss have SN? I'm thinking the violence towards a 9m old and the pooing don't sound like the 14yr old boys I have daily contact with?