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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

well am i???????

206 replies

Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:20

Dp's DS2 is 14 he has not ever been overly excited about seeing dp since I have known him. We last saw him on 19-20th september during which time he muttered maybe 50 words and they were..

Are you renting this home or did you buy it?

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest.

Oh you have a ps3

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh K has a ferarri bed

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh Z has a load of new toys

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

When did you buy V (me) a new camera

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

He only visited as I had kept on at dp as it was my ds2's 1st birthday.

OOppss should explain DP has 2 ds's from previous relationship, I have ds1 from previous and ds2 with dp.

He didn't bring a card for ds2 which i thought was nasty???

Anyway when dp took him home and came back I said to him whats the bet that dss doesn't contact you until he wants something...so far no contact and never in when dp calls.

Now a month on DP is wanting to take him on holiday with us and I have put my foot down.

OP posts:
liahGeneMutatedMonster · 24/10/2008 23:50

My first H, (no D there!) had 2 kids who were bloody hard work, when we met they were almost 1 and 3 and half, split nothing to do with me.

Over the years, i made a huge effort to love them, not always easy, and when my own dd came along 3 yrs later, I realised that i didn't actually love them as much as i though i did.

I cared about them, and although the ex wife was a royal pain in the arse, I never ever said anything derrogatory about her. I also worked hard to make sure they came to us every weekend to see their crap piss head not hugely interested father, as a result i managed to come to love them properly.

Now the kids are 19 and 17 and although not married to their father anymore, (thank god!) I still see them as i have their younger borther and sister. The kids are really close to each other and I feel proud of them as i would my own as they are growing up.

I think what i am trying to say is as other have said

he is a child, you are the adult. You have to make a huge effort.

It will pay off, and I will say the same to you as I said to a friend recently who is denying her dh the right to see his kids from his first marriage..

Put yourself in her shoes, Would you want someone to treat your children this way? Or would you want them to know that they are loved, wanted and cared for wherever they are?

If your ex and his new partmer behaved like this to your first child, would you be happy with the situation.

sorry for rambling post

hammouhouseofhorror · 24/10/2008 23:53

I have two DSS's and really took a step back to let the relationship form. The oldest one barely spoke to me for 5 years. Never rude, just reserved. I tried not to come between them and their Dad. The younger one ended up getting in our bed at about 12. I was stunned (happily) but just enjoyed the growing relationship. I am very close to them both and think the world of them. It is a confusing age.

CharCharBaGOOOOOOORE · 24/10/2008 23:53

yabu, he's only young. You sound really negative about him, poor lad.

MinkyBorage · 24/10/2008 23:58

carry on like this, and you'll be the evil step mother.

cthea · 25/10/2008 00:01

That sounds like pretty average behaviour for a teenage boy to me.

cthea · 25/10/2008 00:01

Also, why would he need to bring a card if he saw your DS on his birthday? Whatever would be written on a card from WH Smith he could say in person.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 00:14

psycho, I don't hate him. He is demanding things we just cannot give him so as a result he refuses to see dp. I am the one who went and bought the game he wanted so he would see dp. I love him to bits just wish he could see his dad loves him and would see him without being paid to do so.

OP posts:
CombustiblePumpkin · 25/10/2008 00:14

He sounds like a normal teenage boy TBH. I would have thought that most boys that age would forget to buy a card as well- it's usually a parent who reminds them.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 00:18

Ct thats the point he didn't say anything he sat in the bedroom with my nephews and ds1 10, 8, and 4 playing with lego and then bringing in little models which he we had to praise him for.

I guess what i should have typed is am i being unreasonable expecting dss to see his dad without being paid to do so???

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 00:19

combust and his mother wouldn't remind him, she resents the fact that I have a baby with dp and he spends more time with him than his other 2 dc when they were the same age (he was working all hours then and is now reundant)

OP posts:
VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 00:51

YABVU and not very understanding of teenage boys (obviously not much experience of them) maybe him wanting to be 'paid' to see your dp is his way of gaining your dp's love, must be hard for him because his father has a new family now, maybe its his way of getting reasurance, and you should take a step back and let your dp deal with him, he is his son after all, and your attitude towards his mother 'mummy dearest' frankly it stinks! and he is bound to sense this, is it any wonder he is not interested in spending time at your house.

CombustiblePumpkin · 25/10/2008 00:53

Teenagers are tricky. How they interact with their parents can be complicated enough when they are all living together. For any 14 year old to spend arranged time with a parent must feel rather forced and unnatural- I know that there were times when I was 14 that I'd want to be hugging my mother and chatting and times I didn't want to be in the same room as her.

It must be quite hard for your DSS to 'fit' into the situation, with the other children being younger, and him not seeming to be too comfortable with spending time with just his dad. If his mother is angry and feels that your children are getting the attention from your DP that her child didn't, he is probably at the very least aware of those feelings, which is unlikely to make it easier for him to feel closer to his dad.

It must be quite hard to find a cheap activity to involve a 14 year old and a 4 year old, but you've said yourself that the lego worked! I think I'd just try to think of his very presence as a positive thing for the family relationship.

Whatever his mother might feel, your DSS has every right to resent his father for not being there and for spending more time with your children. Yes, relationships breakdown and people move on etc etc but your DSS has to live without his father being there most of the time. 14 might seem old but he is very much still a child, whose life has been dramatically altered by the adults around him. The fact that he still visits and plays with your children and wants you around would suggest to me that he is dealing with it pretty well. I'd cut him some slack.

RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:02

I hope I'm still a dearest Mummy when my DS's are 14.
I doubt that he was txting his mum - probably his friends.

He is stil your DP's DS and if your DP wants him to be there, whether you like him or not, you should respect the wishes of your DP. How would you like it if he asked you to leave your child from your previous relationship?

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:02

Vine you miss the point he will spend time here if my ds1 gives up his bed!! which I won't allow.

And for the record his mum and I get on well, she just has a bit of an issue regarding me and dp having our LO.

Combust sorry I got the ages in the wrong order.My ds1 is 10 and dss is 14.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:03

Red he is not coming on holiday and thats not down to me thats his mothers choice as we are going during in school time,

OP posts:
CombustiblePumpkin · 25/10/2008 01:04

Where does your DSS sleep when he visits?

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:04

oh and it was his mother he was txting when dp took dss home he got the 3rd degree about the bed we bought my ds1. As she has never been to our home she wouldn't know

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:07

On an air mattress, and before I get slated for that. ds1 had a double bed when I met dp, when dss stayed they had to share the bed so I got rid of it and bought bunk beds once i had the visits eased off. So when we moved ds1 wanted a different bed and we bought it for him.

DSS sleeps on less than an air matt when he goes camping with cadets!!!

OP posts:
RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:10

Sorry, but i only just read your post about him coming to show you the models he made with lego, for praise and it made me feel very sad. He is obv. a very insecure young lad and no wonder he doesn't talk in your presence if you think it a chore to praise his achievements.

RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:12

is it really that big an issue to let him sleep on the bed every now and then? No wonder the poor boy feels pushed out...
why won't you allow it?

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:13

Red, he doesn't talk to his father even when they are alone, even if that is just to the corner shop. I did praise him, I just found it odd that a 14yr old would prefer playing with 3 little boys when there were older ones here, who were playing the ps3. He is a nice boy but as I said very young for his age or maybe not, maybe my ds1's upbringing made him grow up too fast. Who knows?

OP posts:
RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:15

and camping with cadets is completely differnt to spending time with people who are supposed to be family.

I don't know why I'm wasting my time on this thread, you obviously have taken a disliking to a teenager who needs stability, and IMO, you don't want to like him.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:16

Red we have only just moved. Whilst waiting 14days for ds1's bed to be delivered he slept on the air matt so why is 1 night for dss not the same? FGS we are still sitting on air sofas until mid November lol

And one reason I won't allow it is he has a habit of messing himself as he finds it hard to control his toilet needs. We have just bought the bed and i don't want it ruined. An air mattress is easier to clean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 01:17

the whole point is if not for me dp n dss would not see eachother, I am the one who makes 80% of the calls to make arrangments.

OP posts:
RedOnHerBeheadedHead · 25/10/2008 01:18

i didn't talk to my father when i was 14
maybe he's annoyed with his father for not living with him?

I even sued my father when i was 18!
We have a pretty good relationship now though. He's a teen, can you remember how you felt at 14?

all sorts run through a teenagers mind at that age especially when the parents are not living together.

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