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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

well am i???????

206 replies

Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:20

Dp's DS2 is 14 he has not ever been overly excited about seeing dp since I have known him. We last saw him on 19-20th september during which time he muttered maybe 50 words and they were..

Are you renting this home or did you buy it?

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest.

Oh you have a ps3

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh K has a ferarri bed

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh Z has a load of new toys

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

When did you buy V (me) a new camera

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

He only visited as I had kept on at dp as it was my ds2's 1st birthday.

OOppss should explain DP has 2 ds's from previous relationship, I have ds1 from previous and ds2 with dp.

He didn't bring a card for ds2 which i thought was nasty???

Anyway when dp took him home and came back I said to him whats the bet that dss doesn't contact you until he wants something...so far no contact and never in when dp calls.

Now a month on DP is wanting to take him on holiday with us and I have put my foot down.

OP posts:
VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 18:47

'anyway you all think I am being unreasonable not wanting him on holiday with us when if we invite him to go fishing, picnic, museum,'

wrong

we think you OP was unreasonable, you never mentioned any of this before now

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 18:52

By Theladyevenstar on Fri 24-Oct-08 23:18:24
Jasper I do thats the whole point

He will not see dp without me ds1 and ds2 being there

He will only see us if we are going out to a theme park

He will only stay if ds1 lets him sleep in his bed. I think this is unfair tbh.

If we are not going out he wants a new game.

If not then he won't see dp.

He never returns calls or answers them unless he wants something.

I like the boy, he is my ss

I did mention this issue,

OP posts:
spicemonster · 25/10/2008 18:52

Booking a holiday in term-time when you have a 14YO is not inviting him. It's making it very clear you don't want him to come IMO. (and how is it you can't afford to buy him a proper bed but you can afford to go on holiday?)

I feel very, very sorry for him. He obviously has huge emotional issues. If he poos when he doesn't get his own way as you say, why does he poo at night? Did he poo in the bunkbed?

You don't have to be Freud to see that you've totally pushed him out. His dad is living with two other children - one of whom isn't even related to him. And there's nowhere for him to sleep when he comes over. How do you think you'd feel? Do you think that would make you feel loved? Or that no one really wants you there?

Please, put yourself in his shoes for five minutes and try and see it from his POV.

KiwiKat · 25/10/2008 18:54

Don't take him on holiday with you as NONE of you will enjoy it - you will be resentful, your partner will feel torn, and it will just reinforce everything you already think. But I'd suggest you put together some kind of plan for the future about an effective way to incorporate this child happily into your family's life, because like it or not - and you don't have to like it, but it makes things easier - this kid is a. family and b. not going to go away.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 18:57

Are you going to buy him a bed?

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 18:58

Booking a holiday in term-time when you have a 14YO is not inviting him. It's making it very clear you don't want him to come IMO. (and how is it you can't afford to buy him a proper bed but you can afford to go on holiday?)

the holiday was booked before dp was made redundant.

I feel very, very sorry for him. He obviously has huge emotional issues. If he poos when he doesn't get his own way as you say, why does he poo at night? Did he poo in the bunkbed?

Yes he did, when he stayed with us on halloween and was told by dp that 2am was late enough for bed as we had a busy day the next day and he didn't want to go to bed. 30 mins after going to bed he was up again.

You don't have to be Freud to see that you've totally pushed him out. His dad is living with two other children - one of whom isn't even related to him. And there's nowhere for him to sleep when he comes over. How do you think you'd feel? Do you think that would make you feel loved? Or that no one really wants you there?

I have not pushed him out I was the one who invites him over, arranges days out, there was a bed for him we have just moved and still have furniture to buy for the flat. I have suggested buying a z bed for dss as the room is not big enough for 2 beds and a cot.

Please, put yourself in his shoes for five minutes and try and see it from his POV.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 19:01

what you all seem to be missing is other than this holiday it is me who invites him over not his father, I have tried to help them have a relationship. When I first met dp he and dss had not seen eachother for 7 months.

I started by inviting them both on a holiday i already had booked. And have since made sure we invite dss to whatever we are doing.

I don;t push him out I welcome him and involve him in all that I can.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2008 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ronaldinhio · 25/10/2008 19:03

Christ the night

What a fucking selfish self serving cock you are please please jog on from these poor childrens lives.

This is a child you are talking about. Please imagine some monster was treating you ds's in this way and try to modify your behaviour

yabvvvu

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 19:03

And one of the reasons I push the relationship together is because my ds1 has not had contact with his father for over 3 1/2 yrs and I know how hurt the kids are. So whatever we are doing dss is invited along HE is the one who says no because he wants to go to theme parks of have a new game if we are not going to a theme park. But we cannot afford to do this all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 19:08

By Ronaldinhio on Sat 25-Oct-08 19:03:25
Christ the night

What a fucking selfish self serving cock you are please please jog on from these poor childrens lives.

This is a child you are talking about. Please imagine some monster was treating you ds's in this way and try to modify your behaviour

yabvvvu

I am not a monster, fgs I am the one who is concerned about him.

By StewieGriffinsMom on Sat 25-Oct-08 19:01:47

  1. Get a trundle bed to go under your Ds's bed that can be pulled out when your Dss visits. Not in the way normally and means he doesn't have to sleep on the floor.

An air mattress is not on the floor. My ds1 slept on the same mattress for 10 days so why is 1 night a problem?????

  1. You booked a holiday when he was in school. That is effectively telling him he's not welcome to come with you [and makes the whole 'we can't afford to buy him a bed' bollocks]

Yes we booked the holiday during term time because that was when dp (who was then working) could take a holiday, originally dss was coming, then his mother wanted us to change the dates and I said no it is all arranged.

  1. No 14 year old wants to go to the museum or on picnics. Its not what they do. Of course, he only wants to come to the amusement park. You really know nothing about teenagers if you actually believe a 14 year old would voluntarily go to a museum.

Have to disagree I loved museums and always did still do, the difference is we went to them a lot from an early age he has not he has done theme parks from an early age.

OP posts:
fizzbuzz · 25/10/2008 19:13

Well apart from the soiling issues, he sounds like my 14 year old ds.

Identical..

Wants Bank of Mum on tap
Wants new game permanently, especially when bored (ie staying in on his own)
Refuses to go in museums/picnics etc
Nags to go to theme parks
Fails to but birthday cards unless I buy them
Converses in grunts

He also plays with his 2 year old sister...very sweet

He is a teenager, that is what they are like. 14 year old boys are odd, I teach them and have one, but they do get better

Ronaldinhio · 25/10/2008 19:14

I have two points

  1. you asked if I think you are being unreasonable...I do get over it

  2. I hate when people give loads of crap information explaining shit appearing behaviour after people roast them.

Like I said jog on and give everyone a break

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 19:17

I have two points

  1. you asked if I think you are being unreasonable...I do get over it

And did I not already say well Maybe I am?

  1. I hate when people give loads of crap information explaining shit appearing behaviour after people roast them.

And if I had explained it all I would have been told I was wrong anyway. I had to explain why I feel the way I do.

Like I said jog on and give everyone a break

OP posts:
VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 19:19

'I am not a monster, fgs I am the one who is concerned about him.'

you are only concerned now because we pointed out to you that you should be!

Your op didnt show any concern for him what so ever

'the difference is we went to them a lot from an early age he has not he has done theme parks from an early age.'

thats exactly why he likes theme parks then and not museum, isnt it?

Nothing you can say now is going to change my mind about how unreasonable you are, i suggest you go away and have a long hard think about your behaviour towards your dss

i am going to hide this thread now because it makes me want to slap you, you stupid stupid woman

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2008 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 25/10/2008 19:32
  1. No 14 year old wants to go to the museum or on picnics. Its not what they do. Of course, he only wants to come to the amusement park. You really know nothing about teenagers if you actually believe a 14 year old would voluntarily go to a museum.

Have to disagree I loved museums and always did still do, the difference is we went to them a lot from an early age he has not he has done theme parks from an early age.

he is not you.

you are still being unreasonable.

wait until your DS1 and DS2 are 14....this will come back and bite you on the arse. HARD

!!!!!

Libra1975 · 25/10/2008 19:33

To be honest if you are the one who pushes for your DP to see your DSS, his DS, then I think most of the issues aren't your fault they are your DPs, unlike the others I think that you do like your DSS but you are not used to teenage behaviour and you can't put your foot down like other mothers because you are actually only the stepmum. The bed thing is unfortunate but it sounds like you don't have a lot of space, as others have said maybe a trundle bed could be used?

I'm a little bit shocked that your DP hasn't been roasted more in this thread by posters, no-one should have to be pushed to see their own children and good on you that you are trying to make sure your DP has a relationship with his son.

spicemonster · 25/10/2008 19:33

It's your whole family set up that's going to make him feel surplus to requirements. You might be patting yourself on the back for having instigated the contact and pursuing it but by not giving him a proper bed and booking holidays in term time you're sending him a very clear message. You're making it very clear that he is not part of your family

And there's 3 adults involved in his life and it hasn't occurred to any of you that soiling as a teenager is either as a result of some kind of physical or psychological trauma? Jesus wept. It's not normal and you need to get him to a GP.

spicemonster · 25/10/2008 19:35

Oh and your DS sleeping on the air mattress for a brief period while you're waiting for his new bed (which he chose) to be delivered is not the same as being told you have an air mattress for ever.

And it shouldn't be about space. You and your DH have three children between you. It's just that you appear to have overlooked one of them.

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2008 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 19:36

And there's 3 adults involved in his life and it hasn't occurred to any of you that soiling as a teenager is either as a result of some kind of physical or psychological trauma? Jesus wept. It's not normal and you need to get him to a GP.

I have told them both it is not normal, I can't do more than that. I have expressed my concerns on more than one occassion. Dp has tried to talk to his ex but she says it is just dss showing off (the messing) and tell him to stop it.

I have suggested a trundle bed as the boys room is not big enough for anything else.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2008 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 19:38

I agree we do have 3 children and tbh I have tried my best to make dss feel included in every way I can, I have tried not going out with them and get a call as dss is crying as I am not there so have to go along which I don't have a problem with,

OP posts:
PottyCock · 25/10/2008 19:39

In answer to the OP, and bearing in mind all of the crap you have posted in a pathetic attempt to justify the appalling effect your, dp's, and xw's terrible handling of this situation has had on this poor child:

YES YES YES

It is indefensible, I don't know why you are still posting.

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