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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

well am i???????

206 replies

Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:20

Dp's DS2 is 14 he has not ever been overly excited about seeing dp since I have known him. We last saw him on 19-20th september during which time he muttered maybe 50 words and they were..

Are you renting this home or did you buy it?

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest.

Oh you have a ps3

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh K has a ferarri bed

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh Z has a load of new toys

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

When did you buy V (me) a new camera

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

He only visited as I had kept on at dp as it was my ds2's 1st birthday.

OOppss should explain DP has 2 ds's from previous relationship, I have ds1 from previous and ds2 with dp.

He didn't bring a card for ds2 which i thought was nasty???

Anyway when dp took him home and came back I said to him whats the bet that dss doesn't contact you until he wants something...so far no contact and never in when dp calls.

Now a month on DP is wanting to take him on holiday with us and I have put my foot down.

OP posts:
PeterCushi0n · 25/10/2008 10:54

Have his parents sought help from the GP re DSS's soiling issues?
He sounds like a troubled lad, and I think perhaps the three adults in his life should get together and discuss the best ways to obtain support for him - perhaps from external sources.

blueskyandsunshine · 25/10/2008 10:56

YANBU to find him difficult but YABU to put your foot down about the holiday.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 10:56

Another thing, you say you cant afford a new bed for him, yet you can afford to take him to Euro Disney?

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 11:13

The holiday was in 2006, dp was working then now he is not.

OP posts:
VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 11:16

I still cant understand why you got rid of the bunk beds in favour of a new bed for your ds and a fecking air matress for dss

lulumama · 25/10/2008 11:33

agree with petercushion

AFAIK , NT teens do not soil themsleves when they don;t get their own way

maybe he has SN? maybe he has a bowel issue that is excacerbated when he is upset or stressed>?

i doubt many 14 year old boys would deliberately soil themselves..

time for some outside intervention

Pria · 25/10/2008 11:58

YABVVU Whatever you say yor attitude towards your ss is obvious even to strangers, let alone dp and ss. Try to give them time alone togther the poor lad plainly has issues isn't it time some-one got him some help.

nooOOOoonki · 25/10/2008 12:12

Sorry you are being incredibly unreasonable.

I have a DSS and it is very difficult to deal with the problems in a step -family. But I am an adult and have a responsiblity to my step child.

Your stepson obviously has problems, and yet you havent mentioned any ideas your DP has come up with to find out what the problem he has. You claim to love him but tbh it sounds like you are bitter at his existence.

When you have problems with your children do you think about ways to sort it out or do you just have a go at them, if your 10 year old is finding your baby irritating to do you rant at people that your 10 year old is out of order. I doubt you do and yet you expect your stepson to not fight with your son.

Well that's what kids do, they fight it as a parent you try and guide them through, not blame one over the other. That is just a sure-fire way of creating even bigger jealousies

14 year olds are moody, find out about teenage boys and realise that your stepson is not that different - of course he wants to go and sit in his room, didnt you?
YOur stepson must feel so unwanted at your house.

You expect him just to slot into your family life though obviously he is troubled and not their enough to even have his own bed.

Would you want to go some where where everyone else had a bed and you were expected to sleep on the floor.

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2008 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

liahGeneMutatedMonster · 25/10/2008 15:47

""when dss stayed they had to share the bed so I got rid of it and bought bunk beds once i had the visits eased off""

Once I had the visits eased off!!!!

Agree with others, this young boy has bigger issues and needs help and support. I have teens and NO self respecting 14 yr old would soil themselves on purpose.

If he were my son, I'd be going mad at you and his father. Imo, she doesn't see the unfairness of his situation either. All in all, none of the special adults in his life seem to have much time for him.

Very sad

stleger · 25/10/2008 16:04

I would also suggest the soiling needs to be checked. It sounds as if he has long term constipation, the soiling is the 'liquid overflow'. My ds had it when he was a toddler, up to age five. And as days passed and he needed to 'go' the soiling and his temper both became bad. Poor soul needs that looked at, it can't be pleasant.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 18:07

Vine, the air mattress was actually bought for ds1 to sleep on while we waited for his bed to be delivered, He slept on it for 10 days. The bunk beds were not suitable to be in the room with a toddler and were also not used to their full potential....as in only the top bunk was used.

If he visited regularly we would buy him a bed but he doesn't as most weekends he is either at cadet camps or with friends we are told.

Pria, dss will not see dp unless I am there his words and his mothers.

Noooo would you let a 14 yr old try to punch your 1yr old?????

he is a big lad but smacking my ds1 is not on he is not an adult and should not be acting this way because my ds was playing with something that was his own in his own bedroom.

IF he visited regularly we would buy him a bed, we have a 2 bedroom flat with 2 children. The air matt was bought to be used by my ds1.

As for the soiling he apparently does it whenever he cannot get his own way at home GP's and here. As for dp and him talking to the mum that gets harder as time goes on and I am the one left to talk to her, I have voiced my concerns to them both, DP agrees there is something which needs dealing with but mum won't see anything wrong.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 25/10/2008 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 25/10/2008 18:16

have you had any experience of the soiling.....or are you going on what his mother says.

my nephew did this for a long time.......up until he started senior school in fact. there was a LOT of involvement from outside agencies......it is very much NOT normal, and I cannot believe that any parent would not get help for their child if they continue doing it after about 7yo. It implies something is VERY wrong, emotionally or mentally, with the child.

in my nephews case, it actually transpired that he has aspergers and ADHD, and is now on medication......the soiling stopped almost immediately that he started having treatment/help.

you should take this seriously. I feel very very sorry for your DSS the more I read about him

FossilSister · 25/10/2008 18:20

It would be a rare 14 yo boy who bought a card for his brother!

I have been both a stepchild and a stepmum - very hard either way. Don't expect too much. Just be glad for the rare moments. I was also very moved by the bringing in lego thing. I thought it sounded like he wanted praise from you and his Dad. 14yos very rarely go about things in a nice easy way.

ToThrottleABlackBird · 25/10/2008 18:27

I think alot of this is either being made up or the truth is being stretched anyways but fwiw, yes, you are being very unreasonable!

SuperSillyus · 25/10/2008 18:34

Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees but the soiling thing is terrible. The boy is so stressed by not getting his own way that he loses control of his bowels? That is horrific and shows how distressed he must feel.
It really needs looking at properly.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 18:36

Fecking ell woman, there is no talking to you is there?

'If he visited regularly we would buy him a bed but he doesn't as most weekends he is either at cadet camps or with friends we are told.' - so what if he doesnt visit very often, he still needs a bed for when his does, and then maybe he might visit more often, stop making excuses and buy him a bed ffs

'Noooo would you let a 14 yr old try to punch your 1yr old?????' - you said yourself he was play fighting, did he actually hurt the child? make him cry? or was he just playing?

Honestly i give up, you are very unreasonable, but you cant even see it!

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 18:41

neither made up nor exagerated.

I have experienced it on holiday when he was told by dp he would not have more moeny and within 5 minutes we had to go back to the hotel with a then 12 yr old to get changed.

yes I agree it would normally be the other way with him spending time with dp and not me. I can only say what is happening.

Psycho, my cousin had aspergers and he was the same as dss I have told dp and the ex but sadly my thoughts were not welcomed by either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 18:43

Vine and when we put another bed in the room where would you propose I put ds2? his cot take, ds1s bed, chest of drawers, wardrobe, toys etc do take up room.

OP posts:
PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 25/10/2008 18:44

in that case then you need to sort it out yourself.

all the signs are there that you have a very confused mixed up child. you need to get him some help.

you need to!

you ask for advice, you need to take it, use it, and help him.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 18:45

anyway you all think I am being unreasonable not wanting him on holiday with us when if we invite him to go fishing, picnic, museum, etc he won't go but if we happen to be going to a theme park he is here quicker than lightening.

Well maybe I am being unreasonable BUT we are struggling financially and cannot pander to his every whim so he won't come over.

OP posts:
VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 25/10/2008 18:46

I'm sorry, you post a very nasty op about your dss and now all of a sudden your showing concern about his soiling (probably because we pointed it out to you) i dont buy it, you still havent admited your op was very unreasonable, even though every single person on here has told you so. your delusional!

PottyCock · 25/10/2008 18:46

this thread vvv sad.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 25/10/2008 18:47

vine check again

OP posts:
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