to really wish I could give up work and be a SAHM even though my kids are all school all day?

[memoo]

Don't get me wrong, I myself was a SAHM until 2 years ago and I know that it has its own set of problems and stress's. I don't for one minute think it is an easy ride looking after small children.

But my children are both in school now and so I went back to work full time.

The trouble is that I am struggling to cope with it all whilst keeping my sanity intact. Although I have a fulltime job the pile of stuff I need to do at home hasn't got any smaller.

Every night I get home from work and I have a huge list of things to do.

• a load on washing, plus drying, putting away etc

-homework/reading/spellings with kids -walk and see to dog -make an evening meal -wash up and tidy kitchen, usually have to do breakfast dishes too

• make kids pack lunches for next day
• bath kids
• the list goes on and on

DP doesn't get in til gone 8 most nights so he is not really here to help.

Our weekends are spent trying to catch up with all the other domestic stuff that we didn't have time to do in the week.

So now I have started thinking that I should stay at home, even though my kids are at school all day. Life would be less stressful and I might actually have time to catch my breath once in a while.

We had someone at one stage who cleaned and did the washign in the mornings and did the school collection and child care in the afternoons and it worked quite well. I've no idea what we called her but that's what she did.

i'm not surprised you're knackered!

your dh is spoilt rotten you know? I've just started back at work more or less full time by the time I've finished arsing around and it's knackering! dh has had it easy for years and its taken a lot of strops on my part to get him to see I'll have a nervous breakdown if he doesn't do more. fair play to him, he's now doing loads more. loads of good tips here that we've started using as well.

I just got a slow cooker - they are so absolutely fantastic. dh piles the food in in the morning, whack it on and voila - dinner is ready in the evening.

good luck with new regime

When my dh went back to work full time, I insisted on a cleaner! Mine comes in 3 times a week for 90 minutes each time. 30 minutes each time is spent walking the dog so I don't have to take him on such a long walk in the evening. She also vacuums, takes out washing, puts out the bins, cleans out the fridge, tidies up toys (hallelujah) and cleans the bath out so I can collapse into it on a regular basis. I still need to do at least an hour every night and more at the weekend (thanks to a dog who loses more fur than I ever dreamed possible), but it means that the house is nice to come home to.

My dh does little to help, so I was at the end of my tether without this bit of help. I know it's a luxury but it feels like an essential. Personally I think you should be able to get a cleaner on prescription! It's certainly a great cure for stress...

I think £7.50 per hour is a reasonable price to pay for sanity!

I don't think a cleaner is a necessity - I have never ever had one, or a dishwasher come to that (I would like one but have just never got round to getting one and not sure where we would put it). Dh and I both work full time.

I don't have the tidiest or cleanest of houses, but I do try to catch up at weekends.

Meemo, my suggestion FWIW, is to move more of your cleaning and washing to the weekends when your dh is around to help..

If you are doing a wash every day, is it things like work shirts, school uniform, socks? If so, buy more of them, so you can last longer between washes.

Also, I don't know how cluttered your house is but IME the less clutter you have, the easier it is to keep clean and tidy. Can you and your dh have a day of throwing out unnecessary stuff?

Also agree about getting your sons to take showers. Can you make it a fun thing for them - get them to choose some shower gel and tell them they can wear their swimming goggles and masks in the shower if they don't like the water in their faces?

ah tigermoth. Completely sensible. How refreshing.

Or don't bath them every day.

at number of people who have cleaners, including ones who walk their dogs and take care of their children.

Totally agree with everyone who's said OP needs a routine which includes meal planning and cleaning.

I was the most un-planning-type person ever until I realised that even though I am a SAHM, I still wasn't managing to get everything done that needed doing
So I sat down and basically did a rough weekly plan which included a weekly shop (rather than daily rushing to the supermarket), easy-cook meals on days when we've got something on, a wash day (remember them? ask your granny!!) and a general cleaning up time.
It worked! I had to really force myself to stick to it at first, but now it's second nature and things really do work much smoothly...so much so, I'm actually GETTING RID OF THE DISHWASHER as I never use it and I'll gain more cupboard space in my tiny kitchen by doing so

Good luck, memoo, YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I don't iron anything until it is critical (both of us wear suits every day but dh sends his ironing out...I tend to take my stuff out the tumble dryer if it's something that requires ironing or do it once a month).

Ours certainly don't bath every day. Sometimes they only bath once a week. (Ds always after football). I would say average is 3 times a week.

You cannot cannot cannot do everything on your own and have standards like that. Repeat after me! Or if you do, you're asking for an early grave!

I have come to this late but I would say YADNBU. What would be unreasonable would be to realise this is something that would make life easier for you all, and then not do it and moan about it.

I am a full time SAHM and most weekends are spent trying to straighten up the house as it hasn't all been done and a lot of it is just general mess due to having 3 children under 8 and a pretty big house.

I need a daily and weekly job plan but no time to sit and actually write it!

Fox is right, a lot of it is accepting what can be done and not fussing about thigns that can't be and it changes over time too. When we had three children under four and both worked full time things just could not be done which now with children of 24/21/20/9/9/ I would always do - there is more time now.

A plan is a very good idea and then things get done whether you work or not and learn to delegate. People dont' help a partner very well but if every day they (the man) put on the washer before leaving for work or every night they empty the dishwasher or whatveef the task is and you don't even think about it because it' snot a job on your list then it's easier.

hmm. To misquote, there is a fruitful mellowing of xenia this season.

Pagi I agree.

Your children are old enough to start taking responsibility for their own personal hygiene in the evenings.

My son is 6, he showers himself, dries himself and gets dressed after, all on his own. He doesnt shower everyday, and on the days he doesnt shower, the following happens:

I tell him: Time to bed. He undresses, he goes to toilet, he brushes his teeth, he flannel washes his face, neck, willy and bottom. He puts aside used flannet so I can wash it. He gets into pj, then calls for me (I mumnset at this time) and I go over his teeth before starting to get his brother ready for bed. DS1 sits in bed and reads while I get his brother ready. THEN DH reads them a story.

It seems to me that you during your time as a SAHM fell into the habit of doing everything for everybody. You have to cut down and get your family to do chores. You dont need a cleaner. Good you are making changes, and GOOD that you are getting a dishwasher.

Dishes will have to be rinsed before they go in the washer. Everybody should rinse what they themselves used, and put in the machine. That is what we do.

Why are people surprised that those who can afford it pay other people to do things that are boring, inconvenient or impossible, like cleaning, collecting kids or walking dogs? Whatever we should call the person who does these things in our house, she and we are all very happy and she and the dcs completely adore each other, so all's well at the google household.

If you can't afford it, time to go on strike and give dh a reality check.

what the f is "fluff n fold"????

Actually, I envy you. I am a stay at home mom but hopefully soon employed. Everyone has their own situation and deals in their own way. Maybe you could make a large meal and just have them do a leftover or heat up during the week? Maybe your children could learn to do a load of laundry and put away (fold their own) and help in that way?
I just had my second all day class and the house has never been so clean. My husband (who doesn't do leftovers) has the children doing little things around the house while I'm away.
Just putting away toys is a big help.
Yes, it sort of bothers me that they do a better job than I've been able to but I'm also proud that they have taken a step toward independence and some of the (burden) responsibility of keeping things up since we all live here.
Hope you get things going in a favorable direction.

I've been a working mum for 20 years now, and I've tried all sorts of arrangements. Currently I have a cleaner, the kids have hot lunches at school and we make sure we have hot lunches at work so we don't have to do a lot foodwise when we get in unless we want to. My husband is excellent at doing the laundry at the weekends (he even does it to my standards now) and I farm the ironing out if I can. I order the food online from Tesco. I am a very lazy parent. I sometimes pay older children £1 for putting younger children to bed so I can have a cuppa and watch DIYSOS at my leisure. Despite being an educationalist I am pretty appalling at helping my kids with their homework because I have too much fun doing other stuff with them that we actually all enjoy (eg we are trying to learn to play the digeridoo at the moment for a laugh, and we enjoy competitive Guitar Hero on the Nintendo Wii a great deal)- I have some confidence in this neglectful system of maternal support as one of my kids just got into Cambridge, much to our surprise, despite hardly knowing her times tables or spellings, or giving in much homework until the age of about 16. Miraculously nobody has starved to death yet or gone to school naked for lack of clothes, and my house is surprisingly tidy considering how many of us live in it. I think it's perfectly possibly to work and run a home, but you have to find what works for you at any given time, and not try to be too text book about it all, or do what other people think you should be doing. It's the only way to stay sane, in my view.

QOFS, you said it best. I think I'm guilty of doing it all for them too. My DH even has my youngest (10 but has autism and is mentally at 2 and a half) clearing her place at the table and putting dishes in the sink. He has taken my apron strings and turned them into cracking the whip...but it works..

I don't have a huge house, just a 3 bed semi so its not like i have amansion to clean.

I don't think a cleaner is going to happen, Its just not an affordable option.

The key is definately routine. I have a week off work in a few weeks so I'm going to get my self more organised then hopefully if I dish out some of the jobs and get a good routine in place I can keep on top of it.

Finding it hard to be cross with DP today as we have just had a fab weekend.

Its my birthday today and so last night he took me to see West Side Story at the Lowry. We stayed in a hotel and had the best time. Have come back this afternoon feeling really de-stressed and happy

Plus I have a feeling we may be making an announcement soon but need to wait til next week to be sure

I agree with BM and we also had a rule that when the children were at schools that allowed packed lunches (not until they were 11 or 13+) if they wanted a packed lunch they had to make it. So they mostly chose cooked lunch. I just was not prepared ever to make packed lunches. We also order all food on line at Tesco and soap etc. I try never to enter a shop which is wonderful (hate shopping). I paid daughter 2 to collect both boys from different friends' houses on Friday at 6 as I didn't want to and was doing admin anyway.

But a lot does depend on your personality. Some people feel they have never done a good enough job and others feel all they need is what is adequate and they're happy - whether your a "satisficer" or not often determines if you're happy. If you're never sure you've done enough and want perfection and you're usually pretty fed up.

xenia, I think you make some really excellent points. I think that I am definately the kind of person who feels like I have never done a good enough job.

Although I know deep down being a good mum isn't about housework i think that my own unbringing (seriously OCD mother) means that subconsiously I feel that if the house isn't perfect then I have failed. I feel like I ahve to be super women. I am always comparing myself to others in terms of housekeeping, parenting, how I look, what I wear. I never feel like I get it right.

memoo, You are probably your own worst critic. My sis is just like that but while you are ever on guard against that rogue dust bunny you are wearing yourself down. Yes, the dust bunny will show up eventually anyway but you only have today once. Pick your battles and try to let go enough to enjoy a few free moments. I'm sure you'll figure out some way to have everything you want.

"I never feel like I get it right."

"Right" is what you like and what suits your family. There isn't some magic standard of the best way to live life out there on which to measure yourself...

yanbu

I do all of the housework, all of the cooking / foodshopping, all the homework and school related stuff (three packed lunches, uniforms etc) but I only work 3 days a week 9 - 4 and it's a dream. No stress and no hassle. By the time DH gets un at 6.30pm, supper is ready and pretty much all chores are out of the way. I would never in a million years go back to full time work unless DH substantially reduced his hours.