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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really wish I could give up work and be a SAHM even though my kids are all school all day?

221 replies

memoo · 09/10/2008 16:50

Don't get me wrong, I myself was a SAHM until 2 years ago and I know that it has its own set of problems and stress's. I don't for one minute think it is an easy ride looking after small children.

But my children are both in school now and so I went back to work full time.

The trouble is that I am struggling to cope with it all whilst keeping my sanity intact. Although I have a fulltime job the pile of stuff I need to do at home hasn't got any smaller.

Every night I get home from work and I have a huge list of things to do.

  • a load on washing, plus drying, putting away etc
-homework/reading/spellings with kids -walk and see to dog -make an evening meal -wash up and tidy kitchen, usually have to do breakfast dishes too
  • make kids pack lunches for next day
  • bath kids
  • the list goes on and on

DP doesn't get in til gone 8 most nights so he is not really here to help.

Our weekends are spent trying to catch up with all the other domestic stuff that we didn't have time to do in the week.

So now I have started thinking that I should stay at home, even though my kids are at school all day. Life would be less stressful and I might actually have time to catch my breath once in a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:50

Cappuccino, you are right. I am left doing all the stuff here while he is seeing his children. We have them here every weekend too.

One of the reasons we are so broke and I have to work is because he pays his ex £400 a month.

I understand that he wants to support his children but i sometimes feel like i am working my arse off so his ex wife (who works partime) can have it easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:51

June, I use to love that film when i was a girl

OP posts:
Mercy · 09/10/2008 19:51

The bottom line is do you want to be a sahm?

Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:54

yes Mercy I do

OP posts:
changingsoon · 09/10/2008 19:54

do you work full time? what about a cleaner, ironing person etc. how old are your children, can they not help out? i would give up work in a flash, but would need the same income!

JuneBugJen · 09/10/2008 19:55

Oh God, that must hurt Memoo. Think I would be quite bitter about that even if it is 'fair'.

nooka · 09/10/2008 19:56

Things are a little different at the moment because neither dh or I are working right now. But usually dh and I both work, and take it in turns as to who is in charge (this is because we were separated for a while, and had split residency). We jiggled our hours to be able to take the children in to school, but have some childcare in the evening. So our evening with the children starts at about 7ish, and the kids get fed by their childminder. We have a cleaner once a week, and do no other cleaning. She does the bulk of the washing too, so we only have one other evening with washing going on (when we do sheets etc). Generally dh does the washing, and I put it away. I think our house is fairly tidy, but not immaculate (well just on Wednesday evening anyway ).

So ideas - could you afford a cleaner (it is a fab fab luxury); Can you get a dishwasher - even a small one? Could you get your children on to school lunches and have simpler evening meals,or could you make more meals where you can freeze a coupe of portions for another day? Do you need to do ironing? Or can you cut it down? Why do you need to do washing every night (are you washing clothes after one wear only - not very environmentally sound)? Do your children need to have baths every night (mine, about the same age have one every other night, or more often now a shower - this is great as they can do it on their own). What can your kids do to help - can they clear the table, walk the dog, help with the cooking maybe?

How much of your resentment is to do with your dp spending so much time with his other children (not a bad thing of course, but could be creating issues)? How long have you been together, and what is his status towards your children (would you be happy with him doing the bedtime routine for example).

If I am home earlier with the children, then I expect dh to read to the kids and vice verse for example. It might be that having him do just one or two things might make all the difference to you - maybe the breakfast dishes, or the lunches?

Mercy · 09/10/2008 20:00

If that's what you really want then tell your dp!

twinsetandpearls · 09/10/2008 20:00

I have the same fantasies but as the career person in the family it is never going to happen. Just as well I love my job but I would love to be able to stop.

I am sat here absolutley knackered, twighlight INSET tonight so got home at 6. Then made tea, did homework, bath, story, bed. Now have washing to do, clean the pots have a tidy. Then got 2 sets of books to mark and some prep work to do. I am so tired I could sit and sob. Should not be on here really but am mumsnetting while half watching a DVD I am using in a lesson tomorrow.

nooka · 09/10/2008 20:03

Why do you feel you need to clean your kitchen and bathroom every day? That sounds like busy work to me to be completely honest. I would not feel the need to help if I thought you were doing unnecessary things. It sounds as if it might be better if your partner considered changing arrangements with his ex so that his children lived with you for more of the week. That way he would not have to pay maintenance and would be able to spend time with his children whilst staying in what I imagine he considers to be his home (if he doesn't think of your place that way it might explain why he isn't pulling his weight domestically). It does sound stressful - is it possible that your housework is a way for you to manage that (I know when I am angry I am much more inclined to do the cleaning!)

MurderousMarla · 09/10/2008 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mercy · 09/10/2008 20:07

Meemo has said she would rather be an sahm, rather than a wohm with a cleaner etc. (hope I've got that right meemo)

Has your dp expressed any views?

twinsetandpearls · 09/10/2008 20:12

I think that if it is that you want to be at home with the children rather than you are fed up with being tired from working and running a home you should try to be a SAHM or work part time of you can afford to.

changingsoon · 09/10/2008 20:12

but she cant afford to give up work, and is not coping with house work etc. so by getting in some help it would free up more time for her and for family.

twinsetandpearls · 09/10/2008 20:13

I thought she could afford to give up work.

JuneBugJen · 09/10/2008 20:14

Still think the key is discussing dropping a day with the headmaster. Then you dont 'need' a cleaner etc.

Then you could have a bit of headspace as well. You can't outsource that! (unfortunately)

changingsoon · 09/10/2008 20:16

said they could only just manage (i think, will read again) i would like to be sahm and have a cleaner.heyho

compo · 09/10/2008 20:24

I really feel for you
Could dp walk the dog maybe of an evening and poop a scoop the garden?
Agree kids don't need to have a bath every night
You need to cut yourself sme slack
Getting them to have school dinners would be a start, they could then have a quick sandwich when they come home and you could eat with your dp maybe? he could even cook the dinner

googgly · 09/10/2008 20:40

It's completely unreasonable of dp not to do any housework unless he's agreed that you're going to pay for someone to clean. DH and I both work full time but we have paid help to do all the housework, all the laundry and ironing, and to cook all meals for us and dcs on weekdays. Imo only in such circs is it reasonable. I think that you should be fully employed from 4-9pm taking care of your dcs and making dinner. That's quite enough for an evening. Pay a cleaner at least a couple of times a week and to do all the ironing that actually needs doing. Inform your dp that anyone who can read a recipe can cook and that you're expecting him to make dinner on Wednesdays or something, and that he is the one responsible for bathing kids, reading stories, putting them to bed.

pointygravedogger · 09/10/2008 20:42

You work school hours only? And no out-of-school-hours work to do?

I think you're giving yourself too many domestic chores to do. And partly a time management issue.

Can't kids sort their own showers? Can someone else (9 yr old, dad) walk the dog? Can't dishes be done in teh morning?

pointygravedogger · 09/10/2008 20:45

"It's not realistic to have two full time jobs without some kind of domestic help."

lol - yes it is.

Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 20:46

DP is surpose to walk to dog, he said he would when we talked about getting her but he just doens't do it unless i really nag him and then i feel like the villian.

Compo, I do think you are right, i need to cut myself some slack, and the school dinners is a good idea, like the thought of actually sitting eat dinner with DP!.

And I am definately going to get a dishwasher!!! I don't know where we'll fit it but we are getting one, i must spend an hour every day doing the dishes.

thanks for all the advice, you've helped a lot

OP posts:
epsombooks · 09/10/2008 20:59

Hi there,

Don't know if this will help, but I am a SAHM of 2 boys 7 and 9. The 9 year old has SEN and is quite demanding when at home and so I feel I could not work during the day and depend on child-minders. However money being what it is I looked around for something that would fit round school hours and not be too taxing and I discovered Usborne Books for children works great for me. I choose my hours and the house is full of great books for my children. It might be something you could consider. Let me know if you want some information.

nooka · 09/10/2008 21:03

My sister had one of those little ones that go on a surface. I've always thought they were a bit silly, but they swore by theirs (family of five). I think they did set it off after pretty much every meal though.

TheGreatScootini · 09/10/2008 21:07

YANBU..I want to too..