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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really wish I could give up work and be a SAHM even though my kids are all school all day?

221 replies

memoo · 09/10/2008 16:50

Don't get me wrong, I myself was a SAHM until 2 years ago and I know that it has its own set of problems and stress's. I don't for one minute think it is an easy ride looking after small children.

But my children are both in school now and so I went back to work full time.

The trouble is that I am struggling to cope with it all whilst keeping my sanity intact. Although I have a fulltime job the pile of stuff I need to do at home hasn't got any smaller.

Every night I get home from work and I have a huge list of things to do.

  • a load on washing, plus drying, putting away etc
-homework/reading/spellings with kids -walk and see to dog -make an evening meal -wash up and tidy kitchen, usually have to do breakfast dishes too
  • make kids pack lunches for next day
  • bath kids
  • the list goes on and on

DP doesn't get in til gone 8 most nights so he is not really here to help.

Our weekends are spent trying to catch up with all the other domestic stuff that we didn't have time to do in the week.

So now I have started thinking that I should stay at home, even though my kids are at school all day. Life would be less stressful and I might actually have time to catch my breath once in a while.

OP posts:
IotasCat · 09/10/2008 18:54

and send the ironing out

Cappuccino · 09/10/2008 18:57

another idea is to get everyone up early

if dh doesn't like doing work after he gets home then he can do 30 mins in a morning; he can tidy the breakfast dishes for a start if you are doing them later in the day

he can do the kids spellings and reading with them before school

if he gets home at 8 he must never see them. Present it to him as 'quality time'. Tell him you know he hates doing things when he gets home after work, so you are all going to get up early and do it the other way round

he can make sandwiches

he can put the washing on

there are a whole host of things he can do

harpomarx · 09/10/2008 18:59

how old are the kids? (sorry if you already said and I have missed) Can't they do some of the chores? walking the dog? washing up? etc.

and definitely get a dishwasher and cut yourself a bit of slack. agree with everyone who has said your dh should be helping out more and also can't imagine that you really need to do 5 hours' worth of stuff every evening.

spicemonster · 09/10/2008 19:29

Also, does he really have to be at work that late? My ex used to work hideous hours when he was still with his wife. Once they split up, he could miraculously organise his time so that he could be home by 6 on the two nights in the week he had his DSs. I suspect many men could be home earlier at least one night a week if they chose to. Do you ever get an evening off?

Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:31

my children are 7 and 9. I don't understand why it takes me so long either but heres a rough quide to my average evening. Please feel free to pull it apart and tell me where i'm going wrong

4-4.30 wash breakfast dishes
make kids a drink and snack
sit at kitchen table with kids doing home work

4.30-5.30 start figuring out what to do for dinner, put dinner on to cook, sort and put on a load of washing. poop a scoop garden from dog, feed dog, feed guinea pigs, fill up water etc. make kids pack lunches

5.30-6.00 sit down with kids for dinner, plate up DP's.

6.-6.30 wash dishes, dry and put away, clean table, sweep floor etc (very messy kids).

6.30 take kids dog for a walk with kids

7.00pm get home, take washing from washer, put in dryer or maiden etc

7.15 sneal a peek at mumsnet!!

7.20 usually have to fit in a bit of hoovering/dusting/wipe round bathroom etc

about 7.45 run DD's bath.

8pm go down remove washing from dryer, fold and putaway etc

8.15 back up stairs to make sure DD has got out of bath. run bath for DS. sit with DS while he has bath or potter upstairs

8.30 drag DS out of bath, bark orders at them both to brush teeth etc

8.40 finally managed to get them both in bed. go down and iron any bits that need for for morning, and other bits and bobs like cleaning DC's shoes, getting stuff ready for me for work.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 09/10/2008 19:32

DH should bath and put kids to bed for a start

motherinferior · 09/10/2008 19:33

It doesn't sound as if you are contemplating giving up work on account of the children, but on account of the housework.

Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:34

DP has 2 children from first marriage so the reason he is home so late is because he goes round to see them most evenings.

Now i've put that in writing it sounds really bad!

DP is not my childrens biological father but he is the closest thing to a dad they have. Their biological father doesn't really have much to do with them.

I guess that makes me feel like i can't ask him to help out with them too much

OP posts:
JuneBugJen · 09/10/2008 19:36

Please try and cut down on the work at bit. It doesnt sound like DP will change (like most DP's!) and even if he does it will just be a bit around the edges.

I think perhaps you need to go down to 4 days a week if poss so you can try and get a catch up day.

motherinferior · 09/10/2008 19:37

You're hoovering every day?

I'm with mabanana. I have low standards, most of which are met by our cleaner. DP did purchase a carpet sweeper thingy for the rug in our room, which presumably he uses because I don't.

Just out of interest, why are you cooking his dinner?

Gobbledigook · 09/10/2008 19:38

I get you memoo - from the time I get in from teh school run till about 8.30pm I don't sit down - when I sit down at 8.30 it's to have dinner with dh and even then one of us has to wash up after and I usually am getting more stuff out of the drier and folding it ready to take upstairs at bedtime.

I cannot stand mess though. My standards have dropped slightly on the cleanliness aspect - bathrooms get wiped round more than a deep clean, same for kitchen floor and cupboard fronts etc and it does drive me nuts but I just can't fit it in.

I need a cleaner

Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:38

4 days would be great June but I'm a teaching assistant and I really don't think the head teacher will reduce my hours. Its not really workable.

Think you're right about DP not changing

OP posts:
motherinferior · 09/10/2008 19:38

You're not asking him to 'help' with the kids. You're asking (or rather you're not asking) him to act like a functional domestic inhabitant.

JuneBugJen · 09/10/2008 19:38

Have you asked her/him?

Gobbledigook · 09/10/2008 19:39

MI - I have to hoover every day - particularly under the kitchen table where the kids have dinner and if they've been in and out of the garden it needs hoovering (as does the morning room and hallway and the bottom stair and downstairs toilet). I can't be donig with bits on teh floor - not in the kitchen where you can feel it on your socks!

motherinferior · 09/10/2008 19:40

Christ.

We put washing on and take it out a few times in the week. Our cleaner comes once a week, but we certainly don't do much in between. Our house is pretty OK, actually; the bath and loo are clean, and occasionally we remove any excess detritus from the floor.

spicemonster · 09/10/2008 19:40

It doesn't sound really bad but it does explain a lot. Actually the bit where you say they're not his kids explains even more. So basically you're a single parent living with a man. He lives there too - he needs to contribute around the house in some way. If he doesn't have the time, you need to get a cleaner. At 7 and 9, your children are old enough to start helping out a bit. Could they take the dog for a walk on their own? They can certainly help with the washing and/or washing up.

I'm a single parent who works full time. I have a cleaner. I couldn't cope otherwise.

Gobbledigook · 09/10/2008 19:40

Oh I dunno - I think husbands/partners can change on that front. Dh is a world away from how he was when we first got together - he just didn't get it but he does now.

I've needed to finish work tonight so he's come straight in and put ds3 to bed and is now doing reading homework with ds2.

So, I'd better get off MN

motherinferior · 09/10/2008 19:42

Yes, my partner couldn't cook a meal when we met. He's a dab hand at it now.

I must go. He's about to take the washing out

JuneBugJen · 09/10/2008 19:43

Agree with Spice.

I did a shedload of things at that age.
They should be able to: strip beds and make them, hoover a bit) tidy their rooms and toys etc, get their own breakfast and get dressed, sort laundry and clean bathrooms.

I know this as mum had a breakdown when I was 8 and we were able (had to!) do all these things fairly competenly. It may not be perfect (the 7 year old may not be able to do as much) but you are going to save alot of time if they haul their tiny arses a bit!

Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:43

june, no, sounds daft really doesn't it, I just know of two memebers of staff who have come back from maternity leave who have asked to reduce hours and they have ahd a real battle. Might brave it though!

Gobble, i think you are a kindered spirit! I too can't stand bits on the floor it drives me crazy. Also have to wipe round bathroom every day and clean tiles in kitchen. little things drive me crazy if they are left. God I'm turning into my mother

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 09/10/2008 19:43

it is lovely that he wants to see his kids every day; lots of dads don't visit that often

but the knock-on effect of that is that he treats his house like a hotel

so you are cooking his meal, washing his clothes, tidying up after his breakfast, so that he can have the time to see his children

you say that he is the nearest to a dad your children have, but he does not seem to be doing anything remotely dad-like with them. Neither is he acting anything like a decent husband by expecting you to skivvy for him after you have finished work

can he not go part-time? because his childcare commitments are obviously just as pressing as yours

Original poster
memoo · 09/10/2008 19:46

That is exactly it spice!

Really do agree that I need to get the kids to do more too.

OP posts:
Soapbox · 09/10/2008 19:47

I'd cut out the bath time - 7 and 9 yos don't need a daily bath imo!

Bath time twice a week (once on the weekend which he can do).

That cuts another chunk of time out of your evening.

JuneBugJen · 09/10/2008 19:49

You could re-enact scenes from Annie with them. All sing 'Its a Hard Knock Life for Us..' la la la.

Always amazed how little some dcs do. It sounds like you have one big Emporer and 2 mini Emporers in your house!

Do understand why you havent asked headmaster. Its a hard subject to broach. Perhaps you should though as your life sounds exhausting!