to really wish I could give up work and be a SAHM even though my kids are all school all day?

[memoo]

Don't get me wrong, I myself was a SAHM until 2 years ago and I know that it has its own set of problems and stress's. I don't for one minute think it is an easy ride looking after small children.

But my children are both in school now and so I went back to work full time.

The trouble is that I am struggling to cope with it all whilst keeping my sanity intact. Although I have a fulltime job the pile of stuff I need to do at home hasn't got any smaller.

Every night I get home from work and I have a huge list of things to do.

• a load on washing, plus drying, putting away etc

-homework/reading/spellings with kids -walk and see to dog -make an evening meal -wash up and tidy kitchen, usually have to do breakfast dishes too

• make kids pack lunches for next day
• bath kids
• the list goes on and on

DP doesn't get in til gone 8 most nights so he is not really here to help.

Our weekends are spent trying to catch up with all the other domestic stuff that we didn't have time to do in the week.

So now I have started thinking that I should stay at home, even though my kids are at school all day. Life would be less stressful and I might actually have time to catch my breath once in a while.

You need:

a) routine, planning and time management

b) your DH to do more

c) your children to do more

d) a dishwasher

I'll start with the children - at that age (mine are same) they are capable of washing up and drying their dinner things. They can also hoover and dust (once a week suffices in our hours but I am a slut). They can also walk the dog and scoop its poop (mine walk friend's dog and do this.

Dishwasher - stack it last thing at night and do a late wash on cheap rate. Unload in the morning while you are waiting for kettle to boil, then get kids and DH to put their breakfast stuff straight in it.

Routine and planning - plan what you are going to eat, use slow cookers, freeze meals in advance and get out in the morning to defrost. If you have a couple of busy nights (eg Brownies) once or twice a week, frozen pizza or fish fingers and peas or something quick won't hurt.

Your DH - get him to take over the washing. When it's dry, fold and put away and iron as required. Just putting the bloody stuff away makes the place tidier. Do a load last thing at night, hang out to dry in the morning. Get him to iron his own shirts. Our children also iron their school shirts. I iron my own clothes and bedding if I can be arsed. Life's too short, mostly.

I have also become very good at ignoring mess. If he complains or mentions it, get him to tidy it.

We also keep one room tidy and free of toys, so it doesn't look like the wrath of god if we have unexpected visitors. This is relatively easy as we have a huuuge farmhouse kitchen and tend to live in that.

Here endeth the lesson according to Frau Schadenfreude.

I leave the house at 7.15 in the morning and am not usually home until 7.00 at night, so am very envious of you being home at 4!

Does your other half get home late because he chats at work all day and wants to avoid the domestic chaos of the evening? Might be worth checking. Also we both worked full time and my children's father was solely responsible for the washing - so job completely delegated to him that I never then had to think about. Just try to divide tasks up like that. Then when I earned enough we hired help which of course makes the whoel thing worth while but only works if the woman and man have well paid jobs which I appareciate not everyone is able to achieve.

You sound to me like you'd at least like to cut down on your paid employment, so if i were you, i would bite the bullet and go speak to the head re going part time.
Could you suggest a job-share perhaps?

Failing that, could you look for alternative part time employment?

I agree with others that some of your jobs can be delegated to your children ...at 9 and 7 they are more than capable of helping around the home/getting themselves bathed/walk the dog (depending on size of dog, of course) etc.

As for your partner, my dh thinks he's done his bit if he looks after our youngest two once a week whilst I take my eldest to where she needs to be
So i'm in no position to advise you there!

I have been talking to DP tonight, I kind of laid my cards on the table and told him if we don't find a better way of sharing out the housework, then i will have a nervous breakdown and then'll he'll have to do it all because i'll be in a mental hospital for 6 months (was only half joking)

We have agreed that he will have to start being responsible for his own ironing. TBH most of the stuff I iron is his work shirts as I can get away without ironing uniforms.

We are going to get a dishwasher!!! never thought i'd be so excited about buying something so boring! That way DP and DC can do what you suggested MrsSchadenfreude and put their own dishes in, at the moment everyone just dumps them on the worktop for me to sort out.

I will put the DC on school dinners to as it means no pack lunches to make and it will be easier to feed DC in the evening, which will help a lot on the evenings when DS is at beavers and DD at Brownies.

I think i also need to work out a better routine as MrsS suggested. At the moment I do spend a lot of time running around but not always achieving a massive amount.

The other thing i'm going to do is write a chore list for the kids to do, just little jobs they can do when we get in from school.

Oh and MrsS, I do feel for you being out for over 12 ours a day, how do you do it?

Thanks to everyone xx I feel a bit better now, like i can take control of it all a bit better

Great. Now make it happen! It makes such a difference if you feel more control and less put on. Now just calm down on the cleaning and start to enjoy life!

thanks nooka

Maybe because you were SAHM DH got used to you doing all the housework etc? It's then difficult to make the switch.
I'm a teacher and my understanding is that your employer has a legal obligation to CONSIDER your request for flexible working hours. Primary schools in my experience tend to be more accommodating but i don't see why a job share couldn't work - you do 3 days and someone else does 2 for example? that would help. Besides my sister in law is primary school teacher and i get the impression that it is difficult to get decent teaching assistants so it's worth asking if you do want part time.
i work full time. DH does morning duties while i get ready for work and i do the tea, bath etc when i get home. Have got a cleaner and dishwasher for first time in my life and the cleaner also does some of the ironing. DH often cooks the evening meal (he gets in at about 8pm). food shopping done online and delivered at weekend - we both put it away.
you sound like you're running yourself into the ground. You cannot work full time whilst doing all the other chores. Does your DH like the new income from your job? you both need to decide whether you should give up work and be skint or whether you work but you both do the other stuff and pay for extra help.
you sound amazing but everyone reaches breaking point.
good luck

YANBU I would SAH if you want to and can manage it, or maybe get (or look our for) a part time/term time job?

Haven't read all the thread so apologies if i'm repeating something already said, but I would suggest to your DP that either he does more housework or agrees to getting a cleaner

I haven't read everything, but I would put children down for school dinners. If you want to do a hot meal for them in the evening as well make a large casserole or shepherds pie, spag bog that will last a few days.

Do you need to do a washing load every single day? Maybe you could fit more in and save up for a few days till you have full load of darks etc.

I agree with what others have said about having dishwasher and emptying it first thing..then as meals happen in the day it can be filled up and put on last thing at night.

If you don't want to have a cleaner I would put aside one evening to do a good clean of everything (dusting, bathrooms etc.) with help from DH. Then you can just do a quick mop of floor, wipe surfaces other days.

Your DH should definitely do something when he gets home..unfair if you do all the domestic chores and work f/t.

Have only read your OP but I started a v similar thread recently and I SO agree, it's a nightmare. it was here Will read your thread now.

OMG, I see your problem now, your dp doesn't pull his weight, but has now agreed to, about bloody time too.

Loads of good advice here. I have to say, I'm another who leaves the house at 7am and gets in at 6.30pm AND I have a dh who ABSOLUTELY pulls his weight wrt childcare/house/boring shite but it's still hard.

I do think if I was home at 4pm every day I'd be putting my feet up by about 7.

Good luck.

you're just cleaning too much !

we both work full time and don't have a cleaner but we don't do anything during the week at all (in terms of cleaning).

I will wipe the kitchen down after cooking, shove a wash on if I fancy and squirt some bleach round the loo if it's minging otherwise all the housework and washing (unfortunately) gets done in one (v quick) timeslot on the weekend/one evening.

Your house won't explode I promise!

If you are both working full time then getting a cleaner in once or twice a week (monday after the weekend and/or friday ready for the weekend), should be money well spent instead of cutting your hours down? shouldn't cost more than £10.00 per hour and you would need 4 max. Get everyone to put their washing straight in the machine except whites (in our house theres less of those that need washing so not so frequent) and when full switch it on. tumble dry if poss to cut down on hanging it up (saving time but not fuel bills) and soon as its finished fold and put away so no ironing. Hang his shirts up on hangers ready for him to do. show the kids multi surface wipes and get them to clean the sinks and bath/shower every other day. show them how to put cutlery away from dishwasher and empty the bins. If you've now switched to school dinners for them then give them simple food that is easy for you to make and clear away. i.e scramble eggs on toast, beans/spaghetti on toast, soup and rolls, toasted sandwiches. do the kids need bathing every night, why not every other night, it just means you have to clean and tidy the bathroom every other day? Weekends split it into ;- do you want to clean upstairs or downstairs then get it done and enjoy the weekend. Make him breakfast saturday and he can make you breakfast sunday. If you both work together and the children pull their weight then it will work , if not you will get more and more resentful (i know cos i've been there). My biggest tip of all would be to PLAN AND DELEGATE.

hello,

have you considered changing jobs. i have had 4 jobs after maternity leave ended in may this yr. i am not usually this flaky but struggled with full time work and motherhood also. now i have found a job which seem to fit in with my life outside of work, so the same might work for you.

"only works if the woman and man have well paid jobs which I appareciate not everyone is able to achieve."

has anyone commented on this quote from xenia? Has the credit crunch mellowed her?

Is the great capitalist dream crumbling just a little?

If he won't help (which I think is outrageous btw), and you still want your income, how about employing a University or childcare course student to come and help do supper/washing up while you do the dog etc.

Or could you work part time?

you might also like to get the dcs to look after their own guinea pigs - mine were the same age as yours when we got ours & a year on they still do all the feeding & 95% of hutch cleaning - I'm not saying there are never rows but just making it one of their jobs at least gets it off your list. Also strongly agree with the cleaner idea - good luck!!

so he's going to do his ironing

is that it? sorry to be unimpressed

Your employer has to consider your request for flexible working if your children are under a certain age. I think it's either 6 or 8, can't remember which. After that they don't actually have to consider it, but if that law is making it more common then they might be more likely to.

Googgly - its aged 6

link here

"Who can ask for it?
Anyone can ask their employer for flexible work arrangements, but the government has introduced a statutory right in order to encourage applications. Provided you are an employee (but not an agency worker or in the armed forces) and have worked for your employer for 26 weeks continuously before applying, you have the statutory right to ask if you:

have a child under six or a disabled child under 18
are responsible for the child as a parent/guardian/special guardian/foster parent/private foster carer or as the holder of a residence order
are the spouse, partner or civil partner of one of these and
are applying to care for the child
From 6 April 2007, you also have the statutory right if you:

are a carer who cares, or expects to be caring, for a spouse, partner, civil partner or relative or who lives at the same address as the person being cared for
Under the law your employer must seriously consider any application you make, but they don't have to agree if there's a good business reason not to. You have the right to ask for flexible working - not the right to have it."

If the op is a TA (is that right?) then I don't see how flexible working is really going to benefit.

I really don't think the working hours are the problem here at all.

I agree that the working hours aren't the problem pointy. But flexi working along the lines of a job-share could work? No?