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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to let her know what's going on?

128 replies

letitbe · 21/08/2008 21:08

Name changed.

DP's work colleague has been having an affair with a much younger woman for a number of years.

He has a wife and a young family- all under 6 years.

everyone knows apart from the wife. She is lovely. We met on a couple of occasions and she is someone I would have liked to developed a friendship with, but when I found out about the affair I didn't persue this as felt I couldn't.

I loathe the 'colleague' and 'the other woman.' I just want to rage at them.

some how the bastard has managed to ingratiate'the other woman' into his families life e.g.she is invited by the husband to his wife's birthday parties!

The pair think that everyone has forgotten about their relationship and pretend it's history, but my DP has seen shall we say 'hard core' eveidence it continues.

If you could would you let the wife know somehow?

OP posts:
Lazarou · 21/08/2008 21:11

Is it possble the wife probably knows but is in denial?
I wouldn't say anything as you are not close friends.

LaVieEnRose · 21/08/2008 21:12

No. I would leave well alone. She'll no doubt find out eventually. And if you tell her, you'll end up being the bad guy.

Although I would be severely tempted.

pudding25 · 21/08/2008 21:12

I would want to but I dont think it would be my business to tell her. If she was a close friend, I would. For all you know, she does know and is ignoring it for whatever reason. I wouls stay out if I were you.
he sounds like a complete bastard though.

pamelat · 21/08/2008 21:13

I also think she may know?
Its difficult as in this situation you always think that you would want to know (and I do think that I would) but would you really?
Personally I would want to know and make my choices but she may have chosen denial?

pamelat · 21/08/2008 21:15

Its much more common than you think. I know 4 men having affairs and 1 woman. I have fortunately never met their real or 'temporary' partners.
I am terrible after a glass of wine for deciding that the truth is the only option.

G2B · 21/08/2008 21:15

I agree with Lazarou- probably denial. Or just easier not to question it if she has quite a nice lifestyle. Wouldn't mention it for 2 reasons:
a) you're not close as Lazarou said, B) No one else has mentioned it and it seems accepted, so you'll be the baddy if you mention it.
Doesn't mean you need to be friends with the arsehole and shameless woman in question though.

hester · 21/08/2008 21:15

Where angels fear to tread...

Honestly, I'd go carefully on this one. I suspect I would tell if the wronged wife was a personal friend of mine - it would seem to me to be a much clearer 'deal' that I owed her that information - but not if it's just an acquaintance.

Difficult one, though. I understand your feelings.

RambleOn · 21/08/2008 21:15

I wish someone had done this for me. I wouldn't now be in the position of being 5mo pg and in the process of separation.

And if you weren't my close friend before, you would be for life after being brave enough to tell me.

G2B · 21/08/2008 21:16

Sorry I cross posted and everyone said pretty much what I said, but typed a little faster than me.

Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 21:25

It just makes my blood boil.

The wife works like a bloody trojan. He spends alot of money (and they don't earn alot) on going out. Whenever I've been forced polite enough to go out on one of their work do's there he is buying a load of shots for a work force who is half his age and she (other woman)is there laughing at his shitty jokes.

they think I don't know and the other woman tries to engage me in conversation about my children and I just want to tell her that I care for the wife and her children, that I think what she and this man is doing is heart breaking.

it is raw for me as have a young family. would hate it to be me.

OP posts:
Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 21:26

should have been forced not forced although am shouting in my head!

OP posts:
G2B · 21/08/2008 21:29

It is a horrible situation, the poor woman. Every woman's nightmare.

SammyK · 21/08/2008 21:31

if it were me I would want to know too

and if it were me I would tell

as an aquaintence she will either be thankful for angry and what do you have to lose really??

Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 22:04

thank you everyone.

don't like to think of her being taken for a fool but also aware of the painful journey she would have to face if I told.

think that next time I get caught in a conversation with 'other woman' I will let her know that I know and try and share my thoughts...not in a judgey/angry way if possible.

other woman doesn't have many friends- from overseas orignially- maybe no-one else spoken to her frankly.

at least then I won't feel conspiratorial and may give her food for though (doubt it).

OP posts:
Onestonetogo · 21/08/2008 22:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 22:18

Rumbleon- I have just reread your post as was white hot with anger when first read and didn't fully take in.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and hope you have good support around you.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/08/2008 22:19

Not my business. Wouldnt say.

Dior · 21/08/2008 22:21

Message withdrawn

Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 22:21

but can't help but think that she is living a lie. She is being taken for granted. Lied to. I probably won't say anything to her directly but feel a solidarity- a loyalty to her somehow.

OP posts:
Dior · 21/08/2008 22:22

Message withdrawn

watsthestory · 21/08/2008 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 22:36

just asked my DP and apparently they both know that I know!

Apparently the H asked if I knew as was scared I might 'tell.'

DP adds that an anonomous e-mail went round at work naming and shaming a few months ago saying it was disgraceful etc as wife known to all. The 'couple' were then hauled up in front of boss who insisted an end to it and then they became furtive but still 'active' IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 22:38

feel so judgey- the 'couple' are probably in love. I know affairs happen- of course, but it's the ongoing deception that gets me.

OP posts:
Original poster
letitbe · 21/08/2008 22:41

Dior- I would love to cultivate a friendship-but know that I would have 'that' at the back of/ fore front of my mind.

OP posts:
Rachmumoftwo · 21/08/2008 22:42

I would be torn too, but no-one would be able to make me be friends with the OW. Have you tried calling her by the wife's name, as if you didn't realise she wasn't her? If nothing else you will feel better. ;)

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