to want to let her know what's going on?

[letitbe]

Name changed.

DP's work colleague has been having an affair with a much younger woman for a number of years.

He has a wife and a young family- all under 6 years.

everyone knows apart from the wife. She is lovely. We met on a couple of occasions and she is someone I would have liked to developed a friendship with, but when I found out about the affair I didn't persue this as felt I couldn't.

I loathe the 'colleague' and 'the other woman.' I just want to rage at them.

some how the bastard has managed to ingratiate'the other woman' into his families life e.g.she is invited by the husband to his wife's birthday parties!

The pair think that everyone has forgotten about their relationship and pretend it's history, but my DP has seen shall we say 'hard core' eveidence it continues.

If you could would you let the wife know somehow?

Don't speak to OW & H. You will end up being portrayed as a loon.

So far, the best advice I have seen on this thread has been from Alicet and Tigermoth.

I have been agonising over this all night as I feel deeply uncomfortable for the wife involved not knowing about what is going on (presuming this is the case) while her dh is not only shagging someone else but bragging about it to his work mates.

I have come to the view that while I still agree she needs to know so that she can then choose how she deals with it you are probably not the best person to tell her. Firstly I think if I got this sort of news from an aquaintance I probably would not believe them (why would I trust them over my dh who I love -and you say she does too). While it might sow the seed of doubt meaning she will find out in the future I am not sure this is the way to go as during this time things might be very difficult for your dh.

I know you have said you don't have any friends in common but I would actively seek out one of her close friends (maybe go to one of the partys she invites you to and then get one of their numbers on some pretext or other) and meet up with this friend and tell them what you know. Preferably choose choose someone unconnected with her dh's work. They will be in a better position than you to gauge how she would take this sort of news and whether or not telling her is the right thing to do for her and their family.

I know some might see this as gutless - to dump such an explosive piece of news onto somone else who might understandably be very upset by the situation but think about it - in this situation would you prefer to hear from an aquaintance or a close friend? I know what I would prefer and also who I would take this news more seriously from...

I also think the fact that so many of us have struggled with what to do simply means that there is really no right answer in such an unpleasant situation. Will be interested to hear what you end up doing though...

I personally would want to know but I don't think you should tell her or have any part in it.

My mother lost her best friend this way - years ago when they were early 30's both with young families, she knew her bf's dh was having an affair and was furious, eventually told bf who promptly forgave dh, he gave up affair, my mother got the blame, even being accused of wanting an affair with her dh herself. Both of them never spoke to her again and lived happily ever after. My mum was devastated.

The outcome is too unpredictable and she may well know but not be in a position to deal with it now. She's got young dcs and maybe she just needs to hold things together for the next few years.

Have name changed for this.

My bf had an affair, lots of people knew but not her dh so in the end I did the "you tell him or I will" thing.

She was angry with me for a while as was he, but they are now talking and the relationship is improving.

What upset her dh the most was that family and friends had known and had not told him. If it was me, I would want to know. It was the lying more than the affair which angered me. If she'd left her dh for the other man, at least that would have been honest.

I agree with alicet's sugggestion about meeting a close friend of this wife and telling the friend, so she can pass on the news herself. I was just about to suggest the same thing.

If you can keep your identity secret from the wife's friend, by just saying you are one of a group of people her dh works with, then so much the better.

I feel if you tell the wife directly, it could have risky repercussions for your dh at work no matter how bad all the staff feel about this situation.

I have been in the position where colleagues of mine have been having blatent affairs. If my dh had taken it upon himself to contact the colleague's wife (without telling me)and spill the beans I would have felt very uncomfortable, no matter the justice of the act.

I am amazed at the advice on this thread.

How many of us would want to know if our DP/DH was cheating?

If there's a chance she doesn't know she should be told. If she knows already then no harm is done.

I would send an anonymous note - it will be horrible for her but there's no easy way of discovering their DP/DH is having an affair.

If I were in her position I think I would be more sickenend to think that everyone but me knew about it than I would about the affair

For sure most of us would want to know zookeeper but I presonally think an anonymous note is the worst way to go. Firstly its very easily dismissed by both her and her dh. But moreover because it gives her no support which she would need if she believed it. It is the easy option for the teller for sure but not for her.

But the Op isn't a friend of hers - she wouldn't turn to her for support and also the OP's DP has to work with the DH.

If I got an anonymous note I would of course be horrified but it would certainly make me want to know more - this woman should not be left completely in the dark

Do NOT talk to the husband - I agree that he will just tell her some nutter is out to hurt him/them.

If it were me, I would want to know. Yes, I would be devastated, and no, I probably wouldn't like you much for a while (but you have already said she isn't your friend iyswim), but all this "it isn't your business" is just shit tbh. I am surprised that the not your business is coming from people who are normally (imo) very vocal about getting involved when it comes to helping children in bad situations etc, but adults are left to be hurt

It would have to be in person, anonymous would be terrible - I would have this mass of questions and no-one to ask them.

Anonymous note no good - he'll just deny it.

Are absolutely sure she doesn't know?

didn't you say it has been goingon for 3 yrs? if so how longhave you known, and what is the impetus now, for wanting her to know?

Botht e women I knew who were told, went on to give their marriages another go - one took him back for several years while her children were small, then found he was doing it again, they split up but she found a great bloke and is now happily remarried with someone deserving.

The other tried to keep it going for about 6 months, they had intensive therapy, relate I think - but then decided she was in love with the bloke next door, they are now married - I think it is often better once the dust settles.

Glad you agree, AliceT and Tigermoth, that it might work telling her friend/s. You need to be able to believe whoever is telling you bad news, as the first reaction is usually denial. When my friend suggested to me that it sounded like ex-DH was either having an affair or considering one, I said "No, he would never do that. I know him."

One of the kicks in the teeth about the whole thing was that I DIDN'T know him like I thought I did - bet this woman will feel like this too. I bet she'd be astounded to hear not only that he's been having an affair, but that he's been behaving so arrogantly about the whole thing as well.

And you never know, this may be the wake up call he needs to make him realise that, when he's on the verge of losing it, he actually does value his marriage.

I would make friends with her and be an active friend, as this might scare her partner in the first place. Then after 6 months or so, (if its still going on) send her an anyomonous typed letter.

Pros:
Your dp position is safe.
You haven't actually told her.
She has a friend to lean on.

Cons:
Its a shitty way of going around things, but dp is safe.

Unless I have missed it, no one has suggested somehow letting the boss know that the affair (which he demanded to stop) is still going on. Is that a terrible idea? Though obviously that strategy has failed to stop the affair so far.....

earlybird I don't think thats a bad way to go but I'm not sure it will help the situation with his wife... Plus I think the op said that the person who sent the initial anonymous message to the boss was 'let go'...

Look at it this way. You have a husband, you are happy. You love each other, he loves his kids.

Suddenly, some woman you hardly know, who is with a man from his work, tells you that your husband is sleeping with someone else.

You confront him, he denies it. He tells you he loves you, dont be so silly, he would never do that to you. You think she must be a complete bitch. You ignore it, and carry on as normal but feel angry towards the bitch who told you, you feel sure you'll never speak to her again. Obviously she's a complete cow.

Op, do you still want to tell her?

Its fine to say you would have wanted to know....but if you did know...would you have acted on it? Really? To all the people who have said this...who would you have believed? Your husband who you know and love, or some stranger?

Alicet, bless you for letting this issue keep you up last night and thanks to all again for thoughts.

Ok so talking to husband and other woman isn't popular.

concensus moving towards talking to a friend of hers. Right, will do some research.

If she finds out she may well want to stay with husband and that is fine. I don't really care if she or the husband hate me, but again mindful for DP.

piratecat- affair been going on for 4 years +. I found out when affair was a year old. Embittered work colleagues told me. I didn't act on it then as was heavily PG myself and then dealing with baby and felt that their marriage about to fall apart. However, it continued for another 6 months. The e-mailer sent a message outlining detals of affair to everyone at work/ clients/ suppliers e.t.c (it's a small business- everyone knows everyone).

The boss told the pair the situation had to be resolved as staff morale was effected and made company look unprofessional. The pair said they had already agreed to end things.
However, contrary to that they just got better at hiding things. I suspected it was carrying on but gave them benefit of doubt.

wife had in meantime given birth to another new baby.

the DP had messages sent to his phone from husband that were meant for OW instead along the lines of 'can't wait to f you e.t.c.' (DP very non plussed and then mildly scared that husband turned his attentions towards him!) along with catching them in the act.

It's been upsetting from the off, but I suppose motivated now as it's ongoing, sustained and unjust.

I could not do anything. However, keeps itching me that wife is in the dark- and no I don't think she knows. Like Kiwicat says she made vows to this man and probably believes he respects those vows as much as she.

he is one of those people who is quite sociable, but only interested in you if you have something he wants i.e. nice bum (if you're a woman) or more powerful than he (if you are a man).

I listen to you tigermoth and others who repeat warning about protecting DP- I will and will tread carefully and run everything I do by him. He trusts me to be sensitive and I will be.

Shybaby I completely and utterley agree with you. And to my mind an anonymous note would have the same effect. This is why I think the op should tell a close friend of the wife who she might actually believe.

I hear you alicet.

I have been speaking to DP and we think we can talk to someone he used to work with who knows about the affair and apparently is still in touch with wife.

DP is going to be working closer to this person and has already made loose plans to meet for lunch. He will drop the fact that the affair continues and let conversation develop from there.whatdoyouthink?

Yes!!

oh, thank god!

Yes letitbe I think that sounds like a good solution.

That sounds like a good plan as long as this person is likely to be able to convey this new sensitively to the wife.

I think it's right to run all this by your dp and for him to be involved. Good luck - and as you say, just because she is told does not automatically mean they will break up, it's just that she knows what everyone else knows, poor thing.