to want to let her know what's going on?

[letitbe]

Name changed.

DP's work colleague has been having an affair with a much younger woman for a number of years.

He has a wife and a young family- all under 6 years.

everyone knows apart from the wife. She is lovely. We met on a couple of occasions and she is someone I would have liked to developed a friendship with, but when I found out about the affair I didn't persue this as felt I couldn't.

I loathe the 'colleague' and 'the other woman.' I just want to rage at them.

some how the bastard has managed to ingratiate'the other woman' into his families life e.g.she is invited by the husband to his wife's birthday parties!

The pair think that everyone has forgotten about their relationship and pretend it's history, but my DP has seen shall we say 'hard core' eveidence it continues.

If you could would you let the wife know somehow?

I've been rereading the thread and having a good think about it. Not sure if you'll like this idea, and it's not the best idea in the world, but here goes ...

Get to know her, make friends with her, and get to know her friends. Once you've got to know them, you can tell THEM what you know, and give them all the proof/evidence etc. She is more likely to believe them, and will then also have a supportive group of friends in place around her. This will take some time, but you've already waited 3 years to tell her, so a month or two won't matter too much.

And in an earlier post, you mentioned that this chap's boss had called them both into the office for a dressing down. Is there some way that you can discreetly let him know that the affair is still going on? Then perhaps someone else at the office will tell her - although from what you've said so far, I doubt it.

If I knew who she was, I would tell her myself!

haven't read it all but if it were me i would tell the husband having the affair he had to tell her otherwise i would. if i were being cheated on i would want to know, especially if she finds out everyone else knows!

letitbe - thanks, yes, I am very lucky in having fabulous close friends and family who are all being very supportive.

I have however, lost trust in those people who knew and failed to tell me (none of my close friends knew I hasten to add).

Some people have said that they didn't talk to me about it because they thought I must already know and be accepting of the situation. Apparently, 'everyone knew, and it was really overt'.

He has been so expert in his deception though, that I can honestly say I had no idea. Neither did his son and daughter from his previous marriage who were close friends of his OW. No-one told them either, and they also feel betrayed by their father and friends.

With regards to telling the husband to tell his wife. Really, as I've already said, that will just give him a 'heads up' to think up some more lies so that he can dismiss the accusation out of hand.

He sounds the type, like my exP, to deny everything until confronted with hard evidence.

I would just go to the OW and tell her what a piece of low life scum she is and if she doesn't force the bloke to 'quit or commit' then you will make all the options much easier by spilling the beans to everyone, starting with their boss..

if it's been a few years that definitely doesn't mean she knows...affairs can go on for longer than that undiscovered.

It's very sad.

Other people probably assume she knows, maybe that's why they haven't said anything.

People who spin lies like this man has been doing become very effective at it. My ex-DH is a perfect example. I phoned the OW, who I had foolishly thought was my friend, to confront her, demanding to know how long she'd been sleeping with my exDH and she confessed to 'a couple of months' (I found out later that it was nearly a year).

When I then confronted ex-DH to say that the OW had confessed to an affair with him, he had the gall to say that she was crazy, as I was for believing her, and that what she thought was an affair was a completely different thing to what everyone else did. I seriously doubted my own sanity and wondered whether I WAS as paranoid and delusional as he said I was.

When he finally rang late one night to say that he wasn't coming home (they'd been waiting for monthly pay day to leave me and her DH) and confirmed that he HAD been having an affair with her, whilst I was completely devastated, it was also a relief to know that I wasn't going mad and imagining things. All the angsting over 'is he, isn't he?' was finally over, and I could get on with healing.

That took ages, and once again, is another thread. But at least once I knew I could start the process.

you know, I don't feel any pity for the wife. I do feel very angry on her behalf and very sad that she is loving a man whom she believes shares her feelings and common goals in life.

I admire her as a woman, she is a caring and hard working mother.

I am very scared at the prospect of shattering the world she lives in now but the more those of you who have been through this say that knowing ultimately sets you free then the more encumbered I feel to do it. I don't know how, I don't know when...I need to talk further to DP as this concerns his work colleage and also puts him in a very difficult position.

I pity the husband and OW for being devoid of compassion and respect for the wife- if the love affair was worth persuing/ was so fulfilling then they surely would have come clean by now?

Surely the OW suspects in her heart that husband doesn't have the ability to value anyone in his relationships much.

Again, want to stress I am not condeming the fact that the husband and OW have feelings for eachother- just that they are prepared to allow the wife to live a lie for so long.

I am not naive and have not always been innocent or totally true in my own relationships. I know that feelings develop and that affairs can be complex, dynamic and can be sustained for years if not a lifetime. The wife may well be happy with her lot (or not). I do know though that I could not compromise the love and life of a partner I really respected.

have to go baby crying.

How difficult.
I think that she should be told somehow about what is going on, especially as it is ongoing.
I think that it would be important that this was done in a way which would allow her to "save face" if she did decide to turn a blind eye. I dont know what the best way of doing that would be though.

You must think of your dp here - your dp and his job. However much you feel for the deceived wife, you cannot put this before your dp. You cannot put your dp's job at risk. How much power does this boss have over his job? Will he be writing his references, putting him up for promotion? you do not want to make your dp's life a misery at work. Your first loyalty is to him.

Having said that, I think you could show friendship and support to the wife when you next see her. You could make a point of asking her how she is, give her the chance to open up, say you really admire how hard she works and does she find it stressful - without being too obvious, be really supportive and give her your phone number.

Could you also say how out of touch you feel with what your dp does at work - how you've seen there's a big amount of socialising revolving around the office and as a partner, you are an outsider. But are always a bit on guard. You don't know what goes on sometimes, but luckly your dp is not one for office romances but you don't know about the rest of the staff etc etc...just to sow a seed.

What an unpleasant situation. I have been going back and forwards over and again while reading this in my thoughts as to how you should handle this.

In the end I think that you should tell her. Especially as those who have been in similar situations think that they would rather have been told. In particular, Rambleon's situation where she has made some irreversible life changing deicisions while her dh was blatantly deceiving her has clarified this for me.

As to how you do it - I think she will probably not take this very well however you tell her but agree that a lot of thought needs to go into this to try and minimise the impact as best you can. I agree with posters that an anonymous note is not the way forward as this might just cause more angst and can be easily dismissed by her dh.

Perhaps arrange to go over and see her one day. And then just try and talk through it in a way that might help you to gauge how she will react. Maybe start by saying you have heard rumours about at affair at the place your dh and her's work and that you think it would be awful to be the wife and not to know - does she think you should tell the wife in question? If she agrees with you and you think she means it the tell her gently that the people you have heard the rumour about are her dh and this OW. If she comes out with anythign suggesting that she thinks you perhaps should let it lie then leave it as this may either reflect the fact that she wouldn't want to know or that she does in fact know (or suspect) that it is her dh and is in denial. You can then take some time to assess whether you should let it lie or not.

But don't presume she is in denial because it has gone on for 3 years - a family friend found out that her dh had been having an affair for 18 years and had no idea before

Not sure it would cause trouble with your dh at work? This man is only a colleague and not op's dh's boss. And given that this man was in trouble at work for having the affiar in the first place he is hardly likely to shout about it if his wife founds out as then he may lose his job into the bargain! Maybe I am being naiive though...

Although actually if you think it would cause trouble for your dh I agree with the poster who siad you should put your dh before this other woman however shitty it is for her... Maybe run it by your dh before you do / say anything

thanks so much for giving this such considered thought everyone. I really appreciate the ideas and reflections made.

ok, so I have some options:

a) mind my own business and do nothing- their relationship (husband and wife) with unravel over time either for the better or worse-
However this option means husband has further time to decieve and disempower wife. She is going to continue to fully invest in a marriage which he abuses.
others spectate whilst she is non the wiser.

The thing with this is that i do feel as if I am colluding with the affair- I know about it, we all do and how can we sit back? If this were happening to me I'd want to know. I'd want to rage/grieve e.t.c and if possible move on to a more truthful life.

I don't believe she knows already. She is in love with her husband and he has clearly managed to enable her to falsely trust OW.

Trouble is I have invested my emotions in this and so my judgement is misted by my own feelings. However, those of you who have been there agree that living in truth- no matter how painful is preferable.

b) try to find someone who is in a better position to put wife in the picture i.e. ? find original e-mailer (although person I think did it has been 'let go')

c)befriend wife and drop seeds of doubt (don't like this- would feel duplicitious somehow as I have a firm agenda behind 'friendship). However have firm grounds for being in touch- she has continually given me hand-me-downs for my children and invites my DP and I to parties (we never go). I could get in touch as a personal thank you is due and it would be my pleasure to slag off give my opinion on OW to see whether she suspects- and if she doesn't then I could point her in general direction. (oh so scary).

d) tell her outright (shitting myself about this) and whatever happens next at least she knows what everyone else does about her husbands exploits.

e) let her know anonamously. However, this leaves her very much alone, without the support/ punch bag she is likely to need once in receipt of awful truth.

I do need to be mindful of DP's position at work. His work colleagues would be supportive of wife knowing as think husbands behaviour is terrible. All feel 'sullied' by situation. In someways they have all been victims of it as many 'work events' it seems were planned mainly as an exuse for husband to end up with OW for evening. He has openly said to the other men at work when they expressed how awful they felt for the wife (who often calls in at work)that they were 'only moaning because they couldn't get any themselves and that they would given half the chance.'

However, I know it wouldn't be clear cut and DP would be right in the middle of the fall out- rocks would be thrown his way undoubtedly by husband/OW.

you are right that my first loyalty is to my DP- that's why I haven't done anything to date.

going to keep thinking...

I dont think it would be duplicitous to be friends with this women. You said that you liked her, and would have been her friend under normal circumstances.

Something feels wrong though about you telling her annonymously and then being there to pick up the pieces. I think if you did that she would probably never speak to you again.

I agree tltb. Terrible to leave her alone with this. Prefer to be 'the bad guy' but very scared!

scared not just for her reaction but for the meaning it has on her life ...her life it is just so big.

wish I didn't know.

Dont do it. You will be the villain, however good your intentions are. Unless she knew you as a friend she could really trust...no.

It is not affecting your life, its not anything to do with you (I mean that in the nicest possible way).

If you tell this woman it will backfire on you, ive been there. Dont get involved in someone else's relationship. Sounds harsh, but you and your own family come first.

Forget you even know about it.

i understand why you would feel the need to tell her. I would feel the same, as i would feel like a fraud, in those social situations.

Yet it isn't your responsibility.

Could you cope with the fall out? Esp with your own partner, who would then be implicated in this via you?

Very tricky situation.

If i was going to tel her i would do it annonymously, if i felt that strongly that she was being shat on.

it is a horrible situation for you and for all dh work colleagues.
however truth is horribler for wife isnt it.

easier to bury head in sand but is it right?

i honestly dont know

Depends what kind of woman she is. Most I know wouldn't blame the husband or the other woman for wrecking her marriage. She would blame the op.

Sad, in denial, and twisted...but true.

you know before I posted on MN it was all very black and white for me.

I thought she has to be told, how dare they!

then I thought, she will find out, but not from me I can't and won't.

Now the enormity of the implications of her knowing really really scares me.

finding this out will, I am sure cripple her. She will undoubtedly plummet into emotional turmoil and experience hell.Now I am not sure that I can play God and decide on how and when she finds out. The news might shatter her and her young family and not sure I have any right to begin this nightmare for them

I do still firmly believe she should know. But am beginning to think it can't be me. How can I support her when she doesn't know me?

I think I should speak to the husband and OW and tell them exactly how I feel...I know some posters feel this will give husband time to weave further lies but at least then the subject is open- they know where I stand and that I am potentially a loose canon.

better plan letitbe

then if they persist I can later go to wife and say, 'look, I have known about this and spoken to your husband...as he won't tell you then I have to...'

I would advise...do not get involved at all. It really will backfire on you.

Have you considered the possibility that she will find out, forgive him and they will continue to live together and try to make things work? Great for them. Not so great when they dont want to know you, could he make things difficult at work for your dp? (Sorry dont know what his job is).

Do what you think is right, but consider the consequences too

Have been lurking on this thread and my thoughts have gone the same way as you letitbe- first thought "she has to know", but reading all the posts makes me so worried about the fall out and if I could be responsible for it. Yes her husband and the OW are to blame, but to play god with the knowledge is a toughie