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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to let her know what's going on?

128 replies

letitbe · 21/08/2008 21:08

Name changed.

DP's work colleague has been having an affair with a much younger woman for a number of years.

He has a wife and a young family- all under 6 years.

everyone knows apart from the wife. She is lovely. We met on a couple of occasions and she is someone I would have liked to developed a friendship with, but when I found out about the affair I didn't persue this as felt I couldn't.

I loathe the 'colleague' and 'the other woman.' I just want to rage at them.

some how the bastard has managed to ingratiate'the other woman' into his families life e.g.she is invited by the husband to his wife's birthday parties!

The pair think that everyone has forgotten about their relationship and pretend it's history, but my DP has seen shall we say 'hard core' eveidence it continues.

If you could would you let the wife know somehow?

OP posts:
ellie35 · 22/08/2008 15:03

rambleon - I Have been in the same position as you and my heart goes out to you. I would have given anything not to have been the last to know! I suppose I was lucky that I did not have kids at the time but non the less the devestation was unbearable. However, I have come out the other side so do not lose hope.

Letitbe - You should tell her I know it will be hard but it truly is the right thing to do

KiwiKat · 22/08/2008 15:05

Everyone knew my husband was having an affair for ages before I found out, and am still mortified today (17 years later) that they were all pitying me and no one SAID A THING. The OW and her husband even came to my wedding - why my exDH chose to get married to me when he was already having an affair with her is a whole other thread - so can totally sympathise with this situation.

The wife has the right to know, and then to make her own mind up as to whether she wants to stay in the relationship or move on. Not sure how to be told or by whom, but the sooner she confronts this, the sooner she can either try to mend the relationship, or get out. She has a right to happiness and honesty in her life too!

Sorry to be all ranty, but I'm so angry at this selfish, duplicitous piece of slime and the skanky creature he's deceiving her with, that I can barely breathe.

Original poster
letitbe · 22/08/2008 15:13

Rambleon, ellie35 and Kiwikat, I am so sorry you have been there.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 22/08/2008 15:17

I doubt she knows - why would she know? I'm not very experienced in this, but I wouldn't think there are very many wives who choose to live "in denial".

I'd like to be told, if it were me. At least it would end the humiliation. As it is, she's going to be gutted that it's been going on for 3 years!

Don't know how you'd tell her though, and agree that it would make it awful for your DP at work.

BEAUTlFUL · 22/08/2008 15:20

Aren't men twats?! Thinking that it's OK to see two women at once. It's so cowardly and selfish and... argh!

ellie35 · 22/08/2008 15:21

Thanks letitbe, I can undetstand why you are so torn as the whole situation is just so horrible.

But Kiwikat is spot-on, the wife does have a right to know and to make her own choices thereafter.

Being the last to know makes you feel so stupid and worthless.

RambleOn · 22/08/2008 15:23

She may go into denial you are right. If someone had told me, I'm not sure I would have believed them initially. I would have nonetheless thanked them for their concern and for telling me.

I was in complete ignorance of my partners affair which went on for over a year (still continues). In hindsight though, there were many small clues which, had I not been so trusting, would have added up to an obvious conclusion.

In this time, I have abandoned my well-paid career to become a SAHM (and the job was such that I will never be able to go back to it).

I have planned and conceived a second child with him which is due in Jan 09. I have no idea who, if anyone, will be there for me during the childs birth.

I have spend over £50K of my savings/redundancy money on the house. I am now in the position of effectively losing that money by having to sell in a depressed housing market. I will also have to endure living with him until the house is sold.

I have waited until my late 30s to have children, so that I was best placed to provide for them. I am now pg with DC2, therefore unemployable and unmortgageable.

People plan their future based on the 'knowledge' that they are in a secure, loving relationship.

Even if you just plant a seed of doubt in her mind, you might just change the course of this woamns life for the better.

deedledum · 22/08/2008 15:26

Goodness it just struck me how horrific it would be if the wife was reading this and recognising herself.

TheHedgeWitch · 22/08/2008 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TwoWindyDays · 22/08/2008 15:45

I hope its not me!

If it is me please tell me and can I have a copy of that email that went around the office please.

I'm sure its not me, but if it were I would really want to know!

FlightAttendent · 22/08/2008 15:49

I think you need to tell her, not anonymously, but face to face and the whole story as you know it. Make it clear you are available to her at any time if she wishes for support or more info than she may be initially able to take in.

I have seen this from the outside, a few times. One time the wife was told anonymously, which was just hideous - knowing people were talking and not telling her - I know she hated the way it was done. Much better to hear it from someone face to face.

Another time the wife was told by a couple who knew her and her husband. This was after a long while when everyone else knew - a lot of her other friends - and she doesn't see most of them any more.
But they went round and did it in rather a lot of fuss and excitement - made a great big deal of it. Rather than just one on one having a quiet word iyswim.

Of course nothing makes the truth easier to bear but the way someone finds out can make the difference between her feeling totally alone and paranoid, or supported and cushioned I suppose.

She will need you (or someone else she trusts) afterwards.

FlightAttendent · 22/08/2008 15:52

Fwiw I think telling the OW you know would do nothing.

She sounds like another victim tbh and under his power.

Men like this are disgusting - introducing the wife and the mistress, is so completely wrong and sick really.

God knows why they do it - it must be such a 'thrill' for them.

Flier · 22/08/2008 15:54

Hmm, if it was me, I'd want to know. I don't know the best way of "letting her know", though. An anonomous letter just doesn't seem right. Would you be prepared to tell her yourself, face to face?

LongDroopyBoobyLady · 22/08/2008 15:56

I would want to know if it was me being betrayed but would question why you waited so long to tell me (sorry, you might have addressed this but have only skimmed over the thread).

FlightAttendent · 22/08/2008 15:57

Flier is right I think - my friend who was told like that, never knew who knew iyswim - she would go to school to pick up her children and be wondering who exactly was feeling sorry for her.

It was pretty horrid.

Plus nobody being brave enough to stand there and take you into their care as it were - almost as if they were ashamed to be involved or afraid you might need their support.

I think you have to tell her straight or at least sign any letter you sent.

pigleto · 22/08/2008 15:59

I was once in the position of having to tell a very good friend about her husbands affair. I told her dh that he should tell her or I would. I don't know exactly what he said to her but she hasn't spoken to me since and is still with her dh .

pigleto · 22/08/2008 16:00

not that she is still with her dh, that is entirely her business. I am that she thought I was interfering.

RambleOn · 22/08/2008 16:04

fwiw - that has almost been the worst part of his betrayal, the way he acted normally on the occasions when I was in the OWs (or Other Girls, as she is only 17yo) company.

She has been to my house, and taken my DD out for ice-cream

RambleOn · 22/08/2008 16:09

pigleto - she probably feels ashamed. In her situ, I would feel embarrassed that you knew, yet she is still with him. Like you thought I was a doormat. She obv thought the relationship was worth saving.

Perhaps you could approach her telling her you understand why she would want the relationship to be saved?

AbbaFan · 22/08/2008 16:18

If you did tell her, would your DP support your decison or would he be against it?

mamalovesmojitos · 22/08/2008 16:22

i think you should tell her. i would do it anonymously, but maybe that's cowardly.

going on the three posters who have been in this awful position you should- they have all said that it is the right thing to do.

however i do echo the other posts that point out how you telling her face to face could cause problems for your dp's career.

so maybe a well written, sensitive note is the way to do it. best of luck.

Original poster
letitbe · 22/08/2008 19:01

RambleOn- what you are going through sounds so very, very difficult.Thank you, and thanks to others who have shared their stories.

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 22/08/2008 21:54

Rambleon, I'm so, so sorry that this is happening to you. I just wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

Original poster
letitbe · 22/08/2008 22:05

RambleOn do you have trusted friends/family who can support you?

Like KK I wish I could be of some help.

OP posts:
mrz · 22/08/2008 22:13

Do you really think she doesn't know if it has been going on for years? or could it be she just doesn't want to acknowledge it? Really difficult situation for you.