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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to let her know what's going on?

128 replies

letitbe · 21/08/2008 21:08

Name changed.

DP's work colleague has been having an affair with a much younger woman for a number of years.

He has a wife and a young family- all under 6 years.

everyone knows apart from the wife. She is lovely. We met on a couple of occasions and she is someone I would have liked to developed a friendship with, but when I found out about the affair I didn't persue this as felt I couldn't.

I loathe the 'colleague' and 'the other woman.' I just want to rage at them.

some how the bastard has managed to ingratiate'the other woman' into his families life e.g.she is invited by the husband to his wife's birthday parties!

The pair think that everyone has forgotten about their relationship and pretend it's history, but my DP has seen shall we say 'hard core' eveidence it continues.

If you could would you let the wife know somehow?

OP posts:

Dior · 21/08/2008 22:44

Message withdrawn

Dior · 21/08/2008 22:44

Message withdrawn

UniversallyChallenged · 21/08/2008 22:53

I dont think the women should be involved in the telling - it's the man who is mainly at fault.

Can't your dp drop into convo with the adulterer that you may well "accidently" let it out of the bag as you happen to see his wife somewhere on a regular basis and it would be better coming from him.

Heartbreaking what the wife has in store for her when she does find out - and I bet she will do sometime

Roca · 21/08/2008 22:59

don't go there - you will end up being the bad guy - I know, I mentioned to a close friend how it was hard 10 yrs ago to see her so called best friend going off with her current husband (who was then her ex though, not married - long story) anyway, she knew her best mate had done it but not quite how serious their affair was. Anyway - cut to 18mos later and my friend hasn't spoken to me properly since nor a couple of other friends who felt a bit awkward about it!

I would sadly say now, I would keep out.

Romy7 · 21/08/2008 23:03

this happened at work.
wife was told. wife went straight into denial and accused the woman who 'made it up' of lying. the woman who told her was sacked. he is still with his wife. both 'guilty' parties still at work. i know you don't work there, and i know the wife in our case probably knew the truth anyway, but leave it alone. it didn't stop her from 'saving face'. if it does hit the fan, then you can call the wife and give her some support then.
no harm in you speaking to the h or the other woman though. you don't have to be nasty, just say you aren't comfortable with it and don't intend to be sociable with them as that would be condoning their behaviour. at least they then can't deny that other people know, however 'underground' they think they are.

RambleOn · 21/08/2008 23:17

Roca - she was understandably pissed with you for not telling her AT THE TIME ie. when she could have done something about it.

If someone had had the balls to tell me 6 months ago, me and my unborn child would not be in the unfortunate position that we are today.

Instead, the person who stands to lose the most is the 'last to know', whilst everyone else around is assisting the man in ruining someones life.

There is a chance she already knows. There is a chance that the 'informant' will become the bad guy.

But.. she could like me, be planning to accept redundancy, have a child, spend her life savings on improvements to the marital home. All while thinking she's in a happy, secure relationship.

Someone could have told me before I ruined mine and my childrens lives

TwoWindyDays · 22/08/2008 10:49

I would tell

thesockmonsterofdoom · 22/08/2008 10:55

I would tell as well, sorry, bit if she is not a friend then you do not have her friendship to lose and you would be doing her a massive favour.

VictorianSqualor · 22/08/2008 11:00

If it was me, and I thought of her as you do, you obviously think highly of her, I would send an anonymous note.

That way if she does know and is trying to pretend it's not going on she can still do that, and no-one will know who told her, nor will you feel guilty.

Also, you can start to cultivate a friendship with her and not have it preying on your mind, and if she does do something about it, she has you there for her, if she doesn't then you won't feel bad about not telling her.

SlartyBartFast · 22/08/2008 11:04

why shouldnt wife know? can you let her know anonousmly? although that sounds cowardly.
oh.
crossed post, spents so long trying so spell anonymous

Original poster

letitbe · 22/08/2008 13:58

you see I feel that the wife has every right to know too. Why should everyone else know about this but her?

If I was her I would want the option of moving on from this marriage-or at least addressing the issues that the affair might bring up.

No doubt it will be the most painful experience- I can't imagine how painful.

I am not married, but in a loving relationship. Should my man cheat on me and I not know but later find out that everyone else knew-then i would be devastated.

I would feel utterly worthless- as if his affair was worth protecting more me. If I was kept in the dark then I would be working to maintain a relationship that ultimately was not being nurturing to me.

But should someone tell me-after the heart break, the hell of discovery etc then at least i could begin to build a new life- one based around the needs of my children/ myself.

I hate the fact we (my DP and I)are colluding with the affair and keeping it safe.

I will really think about this. I won't act rashly, but will give it hard thought.

OP posts:

deedledum · 22/08/2008 14:16

I think you should tell her and offer your friendship and support, should she need it, at the same time. If this ends up destroying the marriage she will probably loose friends too and will need someone who was on the front line as it were. I don't know how to tell her though, literally where, how and when. You couldn't invite her out for coffee and tell her in a public place, so that would need considering. Do you know any of her friends that could help?? for all.

Original poster

letitbe · 22/08/2008 14:18

I don't share any friends with her Deedledum.

a common theme here is that she will need support should she find out.

so tempted to give the husband an ultimatum- either he tells her or I will.

OP posts:

Bronze · 22/08/2008 14:23

Is there any way of dropping him in it without having told her on purpose so to speak.

RambleOn · 22/08/2008 14:33

letitbe - your last post is absolutely spot on.

If you do decide to tell her, I would consider seriously about how to go about it. If I were her, I would prefer to be told in my house, with as few people around as possible, with plenty of time to sob and wail/accuse you of being a lying bitch

Above all though, if you do tell her, you need to remain available to help her pick up the pieces.

RambleOn · 22/08/2008 14:35

I meant your post of 13:58 was spot on.

Not that there's anything wrong with your post of 14:18

beanieb · 22/08/2008 14:36

the fact that you say 'everyone knows ' is quite worrying. I can understand why you would want to tell her tbh but what are your motives? You say you despise them both, but is that because of the affair or because of something else?

RambleOn · 22/08/2008 14:39

Tbh, I wouldn't do the ultimatum with the husband thing.

That will just give him time to warn her that some marriage-wrecking nutter is making up some 'ridiculous' affair that he's having.

Heated · 22/08/2008 14:39

Why are you forcing this? Because it makes you uncomfortable? Things like this generally come to a head anyway without outside influence from a stranger.

If you were her friend it would be a different matter.

Jux · 22/08/2008 14:48

I would tell all of them. OW and D, I would let them know how disgusted I was and pull no punches (I'd almost certainly be peed as a newt first); I think, though, that my way would not be the best way, ie don't lose it like I would. I would also tell the wife and offer support. She may go into (be in) denial, she may avoid you etc., but as someone said, she's not a friend of yours yet and something like this is often better coming from someone you don't know well.

Original poster

letitbe · 22/08/2008 14:53

beanieb- my motives? well been thinking about why it bothers me so much. I think it bothers me as I fear being in wife's position I suppose. Don't have any reason to not like the OW and husband otherwise, both are ok people.

Heated- I've been sitting on this for ages (3 years), not taken any action and the thought of 'forcing it' scares me witless- I would alomost prefer to leave well alone as I think if/ when she finds out it will be awful. Suppose it makes me very uncomfortable and perhaps you are right that things will unravel naturally.

However, keeps haunting me.

I have recently had another baby and perhaps feel very protective about my family unit- hearing about the affair regularly (from DP's work friends) and knowing that the wife is going about her business in innocence makes me feel angry. I would like to see her cared for and not disrespected by her husband.

I would feel less like it has anything to do with me were it a short affair/ fling- as I have said before affairs/ attractions happen. BUT this is not going to end by mutual consent between the OW and husband any time soon. In fact OW has bought a flat in the husbands neck of the woods (for which the husband is doing lots of DIY...if yuo know what I mean),baby sits for family e.t.c. The wife is being horribly betrayed.

aaarrgghh. writing about it makes me furious.

OP posts:

AbbaFan · 22/08/2008 14:53

My Dad had an affair with a work collegue, and I think lot's of people knew about.

My mum eventually worked it out and caught him out. Im not sure she would of been ready to hear it from someone else before.

They are divorced now after 30 years of marriage

Tittybangbang · 22/08/2008 14:56

RambleOn - ((hugs)) to you.

Original poster

letitbe · 22/08/2008 14:56

oh Abbafan, thats very sad.

you have a point about timing. I have no idea what goes on in their day to day life.

OP posts:

AbbaFan · 22/08/2008 14:58

Even if you told her, you would need some sort of evidence because the wife is likely to go into denial.

The husband will probably deny it, so he can have his cake and eat it. He will probably convince the wife it's all a lie.

Then it will cause your DP alot of grieve at work.

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