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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dp to get a DNA test to see if dd from previous relationship is his??

238 replies

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:19

She is now in her early 20s & was the result of a holiday fling. DP did not know of her existence until she was 18mths old.

She lives overseas with her mother, dp supports her financially.

The problem is she doesn't look like dp, his family or anyone on her mother's side . Her mother has stolen money from dp & used to blackmail dp by threatening to abandon dd if he did not transfer money to her bank account.

dp now wants her to stay over here & meet our ds, i've said not without DNA test first. he refuses. now having huge arguments about it.

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/07/2008 20:21

You can't reject his daughter and demand she proves herself with a blood test. You are being very unreasonable.

shinyshoes · 27/07/2008 20:22

Is he scared of finding out that the child he's loved and supported like his own for 20 odd years (may or may not be) his?

KatieScarlett2833 · 27/07/2008 20:22

YABU

Twiglett · 27/07/2008 20:22

yabu

he has accepted her as his DD since she was 18 months old .. she is his DD irrespective of blood test

bythepowerofgreyskull · 27/07/2008 20:23

go on Jeremy Kyle.. he will sort it all out for you

Haylstones · 27/07/2008 20:23

I think it's entirely his decision. If he has been part of her life for over 20 years I don't think any results of a DNA test would change how he feels. If he thought there was a need to do one surely he would have? Lots of children don't look like any other members of their families.

posieflump · 27/07/2008 20:24

yabu
he comes as a package with his dd, it is up to you if you want to get into that
my dcs look nothing like me by the way

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:24

I have NOT rejected his daughter. I have met her several times, in fact I am the one who buys the birthday & christmas presents.

My problem is if she is not his, where does that leave my son if he is brought up to believe she is his sister & one day finds she's not??

OP posts:
Haylstones · 27/07/2008 20:25

I don't thin anything would be gained by having the test but there is potentially a lot to lose...

shinyshoes · 27/07/2008 20:25

I think YAB(alittle)U, you can't demand this, it could be devastating for all concenerned then you've opened a whole new can of worms, he might never forgive you.

Then again if the child is his, he might resent that you demanded he do it in the first place, and she might not want to come after all that, seperating a child from his parent.

My child has blue eys.

I have hazel, my hubby has brown ???

posieflump · 27/07/2008 20:25

why would your son find out he's not though, unless you are thinking of sowing the seeds of doubt in his mind
does your dp have concersn or is it just you?

milknosugar · 27/07/2008 20:25

yabvu. she has been his daughter for 20 years regardless of dna, you have no right to take that away from him or her. did you know of her existence when you got together? if you did then yabu x 2. it shouldnt matter anyway, if you intend to stay with him (and i assume you didnt take having children lightly) then you have to accept him warts and all, you cant just have the bits you like

if you are struggling financially i would want to know why he is supporting a grown woman, that bit is not necessary but i think to say no to her meeting his ds is ridiculous.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/07/2008 20:25

Hmm, I was brought up thinking my half-sister was my father's child, when actually she wasn't (and my dad and my mom knew this all along). I was a but surprised when I found out, but not really pissed off, and it didn't really make any diff to our relationship. I get on well with her daughter (who also, obviously, isn't related to me).

expatinscotland · 27/07/2008 20:26

Another reason I always burned rubber back in my single days when I found out the man I was seeing had kids . . .

Haylstones · 27/07/2008 20:27

If your son has growsn up knowing and loving her then hopefully it won't matter if one day he finds out she isn't a blood relation. in what circumstances would that become known? If your dh doens't want it and the daughter is happy then is there some other reason?

milknosugar · 27/07/2008 20:27

hopefully your son will grow up to believe that family is more important than a piece of paper. who cares? your dp is happy she is his daughter. you cant get in the way of that

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:28

A few years ago i found out my sister wasn't my sister. milknosugar - his ds is also my ds.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 27/07/2008 20:29

you risk completely alienating her if you demand she takes a DNA test before seeing your DS. Or is that the idea behind this request

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:33

I have experience from the fall out of parents who lie to their children. it's devastating to say the least.

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/07/2008 20:35

Brutal to say - but that's your problem. You have no right to make it anyone else's.

Alambil · 27/07/2008 20:35

My DS's DNA comes entirely from my side of the family - he looks nothing like his "other" side (not that he knows them anyway) - he is 100% my son and my ex is (unfortunately) the father; DNA is amazing in the way the genes work. Just becuase she doesn't look like him doesn't mean she's not related to him.

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:36

yes, it is my problem, it is also my responsibility to ensure that my ds doesn't go through the same thing.

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/07/2008 20:37

Has it occurred to you that if you demand a dna test of this woman, she won't want to meet you?

Or maybe it has....

Look, you can't do it. It's not acceptable behavior. I can understand how the trauma of realising your sister wasn't your sister may have hurt, but that's not your step daughter's fault.

expatinscotland · 27/07/2008 20:37

My own daughter looks nothing like me.

She is the image of her father, albeit with more feminine features and she's has chesnut brown hair/green eyes to her father's blond hair/blue eyes.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/07/2008 20:38

You can do that by talking to him, not screeching for blood like a deranged harpy! You cannot demand a blood test - for a start, your son is your son, but he's also your husbands son, and he has the right to introduce his child to his other child. He does.

And you do NOT have the right to demand dna profiling first, it's lunatic.

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