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AIBU?

to ask dp to get a DNA test to see if dd from previous relationship is his??

238 replies

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:19

She is now in her early 20s & was the result of a holiday fling. DP did not know of her existence until she was 18mths old.

She lives overseas with her mother, dp supports her financially.

The problem is she doesn't look like dp, his family or anyone on her mother's side . Her mother has stolen money from dp & used to blackmail dp by threatening to abandon dd if he did not transfer money to her bank account.

dp now wants her to stay over here & meet our ds, i've said not without DNA test first. he refuses. now having huge arguments about it.

OP posts:

Report

LittleBella · 28/07/2008 23:34

tbh I would agree with others that you need counselling for your own issues around truth, honesty etc.

And if your DH has doubts, then he's the one who has to take responsibility for those doubts and either do something about them or choose to ignore them. It's not up to you to take responsibility for them and set yourself up as the bad guy if things go wrong.

wickedstepmom · 28/07/2008 23:38

obviously from reading all this the general conception (for want of a better word?) is that I am being unreasonable.

I would love to have an opinion from a male perspective on this

OP posts:

nooka · 29/07/2008 00:01

Whether or not this girl is your dp's daughter he has not brought her up, so he hasn't had the chance to be a father in any real way. He has provided financial support (good for him) and had a relationship at a distance, but that's it. His relationship with his son will (I hope) be very different.

Any issues about honesty are between your dp and the mother of this girl. You shouldn't let the spill out to you or your ds. The likelihood that your ds and your dp's child form a close relationship is fairly remote. There are twenty years between them and she lives in a different country. From what you have said there isn't very much contact on a regular basis either. When he gets old enough to ask about it, tell him the truth that there is some uncertainty that they are related. But you may find that when/if she has children the similarities emerge. My dd looks like neither myself nor dh, whilst we are frequently told that ds is very similar to his dad (and also to me when dh isn't there). Also lots of similarities in families are of mannerism, which only happen with close contact.

Anglepoise · 29/07/2008 00:33

I do feel for you, because I think your motives are entirely genuine and honourable. It's just that your logic is a bit warped/you seem to be projecting a lot, which is why people think YABU. Hope that this thread has been useful (lack of male input aside) and that you manage to sort things out with your DP

wickedstepmom · 29/07/2008 00:46

For all who have pointed me towards conselling, I would like to say that for some it helps. For me, I have had it up to my ears, so much so I took a degree on the subject with the sole reason to find answers to being adopted, fostered, handed back to parents etc, etc.

I do however appreciate all the posts, even the ones that have accused me of being a mad lunatic.

OP posts:

sandy4 · 29/07/2008 09:32

interesting that the majority of posts sprang to the dps defense & the only male post slagged him off!

biglips · 29/07/2008 09:37

ill leave it between your dh and his daughter if they want to find out as they are both grown ups. You will have to step out of it unfortunately.

mrz · 29/07/2008 12:12

I have a dear friend who discovered a few years ago that the girl he had brought up on his own for over twenty years (after his wife and her mother walked out on them both) was not in fact his biological daughter. This absolutely devastated him and his main worry was that she would no longer consider him to be her father if he told her the truth. I advised him to tell her the truth which luckily worked out for them both and he is still her father and she is still his daughter.

Monkeytrousers · 29/07/2008 22:53

Nothing to to with being male but a gargatuan arsehole Sandy, if you mean Flashman. And actually you;re wrong, there are other man posting on here.

Monkeytrousers · 29/07/2008 23:07

WSM, if your intention is to break his realtionship with thsi girl it won't happen. You maybe feel insecure for yourown offspringm that's fine - it's a valid emotion. Behavior is different. If you know behaiving in a certain way will hurt someone, such as, just fior the sake of argument, telling your sister you killed her hampster when you were 6 and have spent the whole next 20 years lying to her, you shouldnt do it. It'e very basic advice that you would get from a professional. If the truth is about to be revealed by other sources then yes maybe, but revealing a secret just to get it off your chest isn't a good enoguh reason.

There will be many men who doubt their paternity, it's a common male anxiety (as Flashman hilarioulsy demonstrated),not becasue women are liers, but actually becasue they have something called 'conceiled ovulation' and internal insemination i.e no man actually knows when a woman is fertile and also that his sperm hit the target. This is biology (and psychology).

That is is a common anxiety doesn;t mean it's a common occurance though. I know this as I have actually researched it for soem work I;ve done.

Your paranoia about his past progeny and partners are just as natural - as is the attempted slandering (she's a blackmailer and a lier - well you would say that wouldn't you) but that doesn't mean that you should indulge it. It can;t be making you happy and it cannot be good for your realtionship. You need to try to accept that your partner does have another child, has been a parent with another woman. Embrace it then let it go. They are no threats to you now.

jackadandyz · 03/08/2009 22:08

The moral of the story is trust your instincts....

I was the 'wickedstepmom', my instincts were right.

The credit crunch crunched & money from DP to DD wasn't as forthcoming as it had been... the truth has come out, finally. She is not his daughter and has known from day one. The whole thing has been a con.

21 years of supporting his 'daughter' has hit hard, not just DP but his parents (the 'grandparents') aunties, uncles etc.

Trust your instincts & don't be swayed by well meaning opinions of people who should think before they type (ie some 'well meaning' mumsnetters)

emkana · 03/08/2009 22:16

How can she have known from day one? surely she didn't start plotting as an 18 month old?

maggievirgo · 03/08/2009 22:20

Well, he was a father figure to her, not a cash cow I'm sure.

I hope your husband doesn't drop her like a steaming turd to save money.

beanieb · 03/08/2009 22:22

So has this discovery meant the end of your relationship? I hope not but can understand why something like this might have an effect on your ability to trust. was it just as much of a shock to him also?

catsmother · 03/08/2009 22:26

I've just read the whole of this - not realising it was a year old - until I got to Jackadandyz's 22.08 post. I certainly wasn't expecting that and I'm sorry you and your family have been victims of such a nasty con.

Jux · 03/08/2009 22:27

You're incredibly rude.

beanieb · 03/08/2009 22:31

who's rude?

Is this a joke thread? I am confused...

weird

Jux · 03/08/2009 22:34

Jackadandyz is rude.

When I posted, I was straight after her.

What a vile and ungrateful post, jd. Many people spent a long time pondering your quandary and now you come back and make comments like that. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're vitriolic.

LynetteScavo · 03/08/2009 22:40

Hmm.....not convinced jackadandyz is wickedstepmom.....

If you are, then was a DNA test taken?

jackadandyz · 03/08/2009 22:41

blimey, I'm not RUDE.

jackadandyz · 03/08/2009 22:42

no, a DNA test was not taken

jackadandyz · 03/08/2009 22:48

Not rude, I'm really offended by that comment. I'm just a bit shit at choosing men.

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CarGirl · 03/08/2009 22:51

I can only assume you have endured some great upset in the family to find out that your step daughter actually isn't and that is a lot of hurt.

How are things between you and your soon to be dh? A bit strained or okay?

LynetteScavo · 03/08/2009 22:51

What has your ability at choosing men got to do with it?

If your DP has always belived he is this womans father he must be gutted to be told he isn't. The cost of this is far more than financial.

Poor bloke.

jackadandyz · 03/08/2009 22:58

Things went a bit quiet between DP & his DD for a while, I asked about it & it all came out. He's always had doubts, but trusted her mum that he was the father. It's all a bit odd really now that it's come out.

DP seems a bit non-plussed. All v odd.

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