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AIBU?

to ask dp to get a DNA test to see if dd from previous relationship is his??

238 replies

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:19

She is now in her early 20s & was the result of a holiday fling. DP did not know of her existence until she was 18mths old.

She lives overseas with her mother, dp supports her financially.

The problem is she doesn't look like dp, his family or anyone on her mother's side . Her mother has stolen money from dp & used to blackmail dp by threatening to abandon dd if he did not transfer money to her bank account.

dp now wants her to stay over here & meet our ds, i've said not without DNA test first. he refuses. now having huge arguments about it.

OP posts:

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wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 22:05

I have made her welcome in my home. The difference is we now have ds.

I had always assumed that they had had a DNA test when he was first told of her existence.

For dp to tell ds - 'this is your sister' - I feel is wrong, when he has doubts about paternity himself.

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wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 22:09

dp does describe himself as being their 'cashcow'.

I feel it is a mixture of him wanting to desperately have a child, so he didn't ask any questions & of being the 'rich westerner' in a poor country.

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wannaBe · 27/07/2008 22:10

Tbh I think you sound jealous. I don't think this is about your ds finding out somewhere down the track at all. I think that now you have your ds you're jealous that he's not your dp's 1st born and only child like he is yours, so you want to prove that this girl isn't his child so that you can get her out of your lives and your ds doesn't have to share his dad with another child who isn't yours.

If you were to find out she wasn't your dp's biological child how would you react? would she no longer be welcome in your home for instance?

Janni · 27/07/2008 22:17

What a can of worms if the DNA test proved that he wasn't her biological father...As long as he feels he is and she feels he is, that's what matters.

ranting · 27/07/2008 22:19

I totally agree with Wannabe (ever the voice of reason) YAB very U.

You have given no considerations to the feelings of this girl (and how would you feel if the same thing happened to your ds 20 years down the line, you would think the new wife 'had a few issues' to say the least, wouldn't you). And in any case, as she is 20, she is within her rights to refuse her consent for a blood test.

Quattrocento · 27/07/2008 22:21

I think fair enough to demand a dna test ...

always providing that you yourself are willing to submit your DS to one as well ...

after all, fair's fair

TheHedgeWitch · 27/07/2008 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 27/07/2008 22:25

Well, as she's in her twenties now, their relationship is a father/daughter one, and if they are NOT related then that would only cause your DP a lot of pain.

My Dad (who is definitely my Dad!!) did not give me money when I was in my 20s though. So unless she's in a really tight spot, maybe he could encourage her to stand on her own feet.

But I agree with the posters who say that whether or not a dna test would confirm your dp's paternity, this girl is part of his life. They both want it that way. Would you really be up to supporting your husband through the shock and pain of discovering that she wasn't his dd?

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 22:25

If any of your dps or dhs had a dc from a previous relationship & wanted to introduce him/her to your dc, would you be completely accepting of the situation??

Even if your dp/dh had doubts regarding paternity? and knows that the mother of the dc is dishonest?

OP posts:

TheHedgeWitch · 27/07/2008 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ranting · 27/07/2008 22:32

Yes, I would be completely accepting of the situation (I think most secure people would tbh). My ds is another womans step son and I would frankly think she was not very stable if she demanded that he have a DNA test. I know that's a brutal thing to say but you did ask.

wannaBe · 27/07/2008 22:35

yes. Why wouldn't I? Many many people have stepchildren from previous relationships that they maintain a relationship with, do you think that such stepchildren shouldn't be allowed to be introduced to new children in their stepdad's family? purely because they aren't related by blood?

What exactly do you think she's going to do to your ds? Do you think that being related or not makes a difference to the person she is?

Sorry but I think you're being very unpleasant about all this, and tbh if I had a partner with this attitude to any children of mine from previous relationship I would seriously question our future together.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/07/2008 22:35

Sometimes you have to see past genes and dna and look at the relations between people and just accept it as it is.

My neighbours son was visiting last weekend, with his new wife and their two kids. Both mum and dad were blonde and blue eyed. One child was clearly asian, and the other looked like he was of mixed race african origin. You'd look at them and think how on earth is this possible. Sorry anecdotal and of no real help.

BUT if your dh accept her as his daughter so should you, and if at somepoint she turns out to not be his biologically, then so what? She has been his dd for so long, she wont stop being it. And why does it matter if step sister is NOT a blood relative to your son?

expatinscotland · 27/07/2008 22:36

'If any of your dps or dhs had a dc from a previous relationship & wanted to introduce him/her to your dc, would you be completely accepting of the situation??'

I purposely stayed completely away from any man who had a child from a previous relationship or marriage when I was single and still dating - before I had kids. And also from anyone foolish enough to shag casually with no condom - for obvious reasons.

Because I knew I couldn't deal with that and it wasn't the kid's fault, it was mine.

So it was one of my dealbreakers.

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 22:37

I don't have any bad feelings towards his dd, in fact, I feel sorry for her. Their relationship is mainly a financial one, & contact by phone only for the past few years.

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madamez · 27/07/2008 22:37

DOn't do it. It doesn't matter. She thinks he's her dad, he thinks she's his daughter, they have thought that for 20 years so it is true. Genetics are irrelevant. Why are you being such a cow about it?

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 22:43

If dp didn't have doubts DNA testing wouldn't be an issue, obviously.

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edam · 27/07/2008 22:46

IF your dh had any concerns and wanted a test, that would be one thing - although he'd still have no right to insist on one, it would be something he would have to negotiate very carefully with his dd/her mother. BUT you are in no position to start dictating terms. You knew your partner already had a daughter. If you didn't like it, you should have walked away.

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 22:48

He didn't express his doubts until we has ds. I hate dishonesty, games, lies. Does that mean that I am a cow or even a lunatic?

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Snaf · 27/07/2008 22:49

But even if he does have doubts, the fact that he doesn't want the test says that he wants her to remain his 'daughter' whether biological or not, doesn't it? As far as he's concerned, he's her dad, she's his daughter. He wants her to meet your ds precisely because he regards her as part of his family.

I can understand you may have issues with her mother. I can understand you've got things in your past that are affecting your view of this situation. But it's not the girl's fault and it's not your dp's fault. hatever you say about 'not disliking her' you're making it pretty clear that you don't accept her. How diffcult must that be for your dp?

edam · 27/07/2008 22:49

And it has always been very common for families to consist of people who may not be related by blood. There was a famous research study in the second half of the 20th century which showed, by accident, that the supposed father in many households was not actually genetically related to at least one of the children. That wasn't the purpose of the study (which was into blood groups, IIRC), it was an unexpected finding. Something like one in four households or one in four children?

So even if your suspicions were correct, there would be nothing there that hasn't happened millions of times over in the past.

edam · 27/07/2008 22:52

Oh, well if you hate dishonesty, that's absolutely fine then, you feel free to poke your nose in to things that are none of your damn business. Because clearly you are a better person than everyone else.

This is not about you, it's about your partner and his dd. Butt out.

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edam · 27/07/2008 22:53

And if you hate games, why the hell are you starting this one?

themoon66 · 27/07/2008 22:54

Just because they don't look alike doesn't mean he is not her dad.

My two look nothing like each other, but share parents.

LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 27/07/2008 22:55

I agree with snaf. His paternity isn't the issue anymore. I have adopted cousins. They are my cousins because they were brought up by my father's brother.

I think you're pinning too much on the hope that she is not your dp's daughter.

She doesn't live with you. She's in her twenties. HOW much money can he possibly be givig her? It can't be THAT much surely?? That it worth dealing with his disappointment, betrayal, shock, sadness,,,

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