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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dp to get a DNA test to see if dd from previous relationship is his??

238 replies

wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 20:19

She is now in her early 20s & was the result of a holiday fling. DP did not know of her existence until she was 18mths old.

She lives overseas with her mother, dp supports her financially.

The problem is she doesn't look like dp, his family or anyone on her mother's side . Her mother has stolen money from dp & used to blackmail dp by threatening to abandon dd if he did not transfer money to her bank account.

dp now wants her to stay over here & meet our ds, i've said not without DNA test first. he refuses. now having huge arguments about it.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 27/07/2008 22:56

Why do you feel so threatened over her meeting your DS?

Snaf · 27/07/2008 22:57

What would you want to happen if, say, they did take a test and it proved she wasn't his biological offspring?

madamez · 27/07/2008 22:58

Well, yes, it does. Can you not think for a minute of how revoltingly hurtful this would be to your husband's daughter? You say you have welcomed her into your home, is she such a horrible person that you would feel justified in saying to her, sorry, you're not family, you're not wanted here?
Also, please bear in mind that this will hurt your own son horribly. He will spend the rest of his childhood terrified that you will find some reason to reject him and kick him out of his home, as well.

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 22:58

edam - I do not consider myself to be better than everyone else, less pretentious maybe.

OP posts:
LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 27/07/2008 22:59

I think that would be AWFUL. Your husband would have a lot of feelings to work through if that happened. I'm no counseller, and I'd consider that a huge challenge to your relationship.

SOrry to go back to the amount of money again, but is it an awful lot of money? College fees? Or is it just pocket money?

madamez · 27/07/2008 23:00

Your attitude is also disgusting to people who were adopted BTW. Genetics don't matter anywhere near as much as love.

expatinscotland · 27/07/2008 23:01

I don't get it.

If it bothers you so much, why on Earth did you marry a guy who had kids from another relationship?

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 23:03

the money side - an apartment which is rented out provide an income, regular cash payments, uni fees

OP posts:
LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 27/07/2008 23:04

I would not be able to love a man who got a bit of paper that said he was not the father, and was then able to turn his back on the girl.........

Is there more to this than you're mentioning??

QuintessentialShadows · 27/07/2008 23:04

So you resent that your dh is taking full responsibility for bringing a child into this world?

edam · 27/07/2008 23:05

WickedSM, your post about lies and dishonesty certainly suggested you think you are better - more 'honest' - than anyone else.

Pushing your partner and his dd into having a genetic test just to suit your definition of honesty is pathetic. It's just as callous as someone who insists on confessing to a past affair to be 'honest', when in fact they are just going to hurt their partner in order to relieve their own feelings.

Why is it so hard to grasp that your partner's relationship with his dd is not about you? Are you a prima donna? Do you try to control other aspects of your partner's life?

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 23:06

expat - kids from previous relationships i'm fine with, but was gradually told of the doubts he had.

madamez - are you adopted? you're assuming that i'm not.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/07/2008 23:06

Like I said, if he had doubts he should have had the test when she was born.

And if you were bothered so much I don't see why you married a person who had kids from another relationship.

expatinscotland · 27/07/2008 23:06

but a kid from a previous relationship is jsut that.

don't see what difference it makes as far as DNA is concerned.

Snaf · 27/07/2008 23:10

WSM - how do you think dp would feel if she turned out not to be his? Do you think he'd want to cut off contact? Do you think it would make him anything other than miserable? How do you think she would feel?

The fact is that any man can have doubts about the parentage of a child. But in this case his 'doubts' have obviously never been strong enough to prompt him to do anything but be a father to her (or at the very least provide for her financially, which is a hell of a lot more than many men do).

I don't think you're taking anyone's feelings into consideration but your own.

edam · 27/07/2008 23:10

You do realise you don't actually have the power to stop your partner introducing his two children, don't you?

Snaf · 27/07/2008 23:13

Well, if you are adopted, WSM, that just makes your attitude all the more difficult to comprehend.

Seabright · 27/07/2008 23:13

Don't do it. Who will it help? Your DH will lose a daughter, she'll lose a father, your DS will lose a sibling.

I had a friend who's DH had a son with his first wife, then he found she'd been sleeping with her cousin at the same time (I know, very Jeremy Kyle) anyway, the son looked nothing like him (as far as you can tell with a 4 year old) but he always refused to have a DNA test, because he loved his son and didn't want to lose him in any way. Maybe your DH feels the same?

LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 27/07/2008 23:13

Just supposing she turned out not to be your husbands, and so he cut off the money and left her in a tight spot, would you be happy about that? Would you look at your husband and think, what a kind, sensitive, mature, generous, loyal man he is?

Monkeytrousers · 27/07/2008 23:16

Fuck me.

You are being very unreasonable

She is his daughter and he her dad regardless of the blood.

Leave them the fuck alone. You will be the one who loses here

Monkeytrousers · 27/07/2008 23:17

and deservedly so in my opinion.

what a horrible thing to do

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 23:19

LongLiveGE - he wouldn't cut off the money, that's not an issue.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 27/07/2008 23:23

I can see why you're having huge arguments about it. Your Dh has decided that she is his daughter (by genetics or choice) it isn't your place to question that.

If you insist you can share your doubts with your DS so you aren't lying to him (which you say is your only concern) - though why you would do that is anyone guess.

You marreid a man who had a child even if not in his life on a day to day basis. You need to live with it, not try to coerce your DH into something he doesn't want to do in the hopes that this issue will magically go away.

Original poster
wickedstepmom · 27/07/2008 23:25

The issue is introducing her to ds as his sister, when dp has doubts as to whether she really is.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 27/07/2008 23:26

the time for DNA tests are long past - possibly 15-20 years ago there would have ben a point. Now? No point unless both of them want to.

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