to ask dp to get a DNA test to see if dd from previous relationship is his??

[wickedstepmom]

She is now in her early 20s & was the result of a holiday fling. DP did not know of her existence until she was 18mths old.

She lives overseas with her mother, dp supports her financially.

The problem is she doesn't look like dp, his family or anyone on her mother's side . Her mother has stolen money from dp & used to blackmail dp by threatening to abandon dd if he did not transfer money to her bank account.

dp now wants her to stay over here & meet our ds, i've said not without DNA test first. he refuses. now having huge arguments about it.

[madamez]

WSM, if you are adopted then you should maybe seek some sort of counselling on the subject, because you clearly have a major hangup about it. And you are projecting this hangup onto your partner's duaghter, which is bad, unacceptable, nasty behaviour. Your issues are not her fault, or his.

[Monkeytrousers]

So what is the issue? You just want to spread a whole load of shite around?

[Monkeytrousers]

Seconded Madamez - this is your problem. Leave these people out of it.

[Kewcumber]

then ecplain that to your DS - if I can explain to my DS that he was adopted it isn;t beyond the wit of man to explain that you are not 100% certain but that you choose to make her part of your family because you want to (do try to sound like you mean it at that point or ask your DH to say it)

[mumeeee]

YABU.

[Anglepoise]

How old is your DS? Does it really matter if they're not related by blood? How would they find out in future if they are or aren't related by blood?

Having siblings is a good thing, not a bad one!

[wickedstepmom]

I'm not nasty, just very protective of ds. And, yes, that is probably because of my own experiences of adults playing games with childrens feelings. especially when it comes down to not knowing who you are/are not related to.

[Twinklemegan]

I could kind of understand it if you were asking about a young child whom you were struggling to support. I personally would never underestimate the potential vindictiveness of an ex - it has extended to lying and blackmail in our case as well.

However, the daughter is now grown up and your husband has clearly been supporting her quite happily for years. I don't see why it matters that much now if there is a genetic link or not - not when it comes to meeting your DS. I can't understand why it would tbh.

[Anglepoise]

I don't think you are being nasty, but it's all a bit confusing. Did finding out that your sister wasn't your sister completely destroy your relationship?

How often, realistically, is your DS going to see your DP's DD?

[ranting]

So you dislike people playing around with other peoples feelings hmmm. A little self awareness can be a very valuble thing.

Seriously, have a think about what you are doing? It is in NO way reasonable and you are trying to justify it with the trusty sword of truth and a dislike of game playing.

[Jux]

I think you're mad.

[duomonstermum]

i'm very protective of my DCs. but i also accept that DH has 2 Ds from his previous marriage. 1st one he has no doubts, 2nd loads of doubts. but he has brought her up as his own since day 1 and DNA would do nothing but shatter their relationship if she was not his. why would you inflict that kind of pain on someone? so he has some doubts. obviously not enough for it to have been an issue for him so why should it be such a big deal for you?

i'm presuming you knew he had a D when you started a relationship. i think if you pursue this you'll be putting him in a position where you will be effectively forcing him to choose, and i can't understand why you would.

[wickedstepmom]

anglepoise - it destroyed her relationship with the man she thought was her father.

[wickedstepmom]

thanks for all your comments

[Anglepoise]

Okay - but however protective you are of your son, that isn't going to happen here is it, because your DP is his father.

The danger is though that you insisting on a test will (if it shows that your DP isn't the girl's father) will destroy that relationship. If you don't want that to happen then why are you pushing the issue? It doesn't make sense.

Did it change your relationship with your sister?

[IWishIWasMaryPoppins]

Wickedstepmom, I am, I have to admit, struggling here. We are going to need to hear a little more from you, to help you through this - if that is what you desire.

Presumably you have only recently had a 'huge argument', or were anticipating one when you first posted. I would advise, therefore, that you put this to the back of you mind for a day or two, sleep on it and return to your thoughts when you are able to put some distance between this issue and high emotions. If necessary, tell your DH that you are doing so, whether that be to prevent any further arguments, or to show him that you are trying not to be flippant.

You need to ask yourself why you want this DNA test. Furthermore, you need to think about what will happen if the results come back proving paternity. And what will happen if the results come back disproving paternity.

Not knowing DSD's paternity for sure, and believing it to be your DH and telling DS that DSD is his sister, is entirely different to parents lying to their children about the paternity of siblings. Your sister is still your sister, why should she not be. Your issue there is with your parents keeping a family secret from you - most likely with your best interests at heart - why should it be an issue? Furthermore, why should your sister have had to grow up with the stigma or the feeling of not quite belonging to the family? ...As I say, that is a side matter - nothing to do with this present situation.

For what it is worth, I believe you ABU, I can not understand what you - or anybody else - has to gain from getting a DNA test.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Are you worried that your ds and your dsd are going to bond, he starts to care for her, then she discovers somehow your dh is not her dad and clear out of your family and hurting your son in the process?

[duomonstermum]

i really don't understand. if your sisters relationship with the man she thought was her dad was destroyed, why would you want to put someone else though that pain?

[madamez]

WSM: I do actually understand a bit of why you feel this way as there have been genetic/parenthood issues in your own family. Being lied to about your parenthood is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. But this is not actually what's going on here: your DP has accepted his DD as his daughter, he is not lying to her because he is not in possession of information she doesn't have. You are projecting your own issues onto other people, and while that's understandable it is profoundly morally wrong.

[nooka]

I'm not surprised you are rowing. It really isn't your position to make such demands. Given that the girl in question is so much older and lives in another country your ds is not likely to be close to her in any case, so won't really think of her as a sister. Also why do you think she might be "outed" in the future, if she hasn't been in the last 18 years (assuming she isn't biologically related). I can see why you have antipathy to the girl's mum, and why you may have doubts, but I can't see this is the same as your own experience (not that you have given any details), as you and your dp won't be lying to your ds will you? Also it sounds like your ds is a baby, so issues about what you tell him are surely a long way in the future.

Finally you can't actually do anything about this in any case, as the girl is an adult, and I cannot see any reason why she would put herself through a test even if you persuade your dh it's the right thing to do.

[TheLordFlasheart]

So lets see, op's dp hubby or whatever had been sticking it in a 3rd world young lady and is then told that said young lady's offspring is his. Afore mentioned offspring looks nothing like dear hubby, or whatever, dear hubby has expressed doubts over the years but like a good guilty liberal westener has paid offsprings bills for years, fruit of his loins, or not is now in her 30s and dear hubby or whatever is getting peed off with paying for her and now there is new women to stickit in with new supposed offspring, new woman wants DNA and everyone here goes OMG how dare she. Of course she should get a DNA test, it is the oldest trick in the book, present stupid horny western man with attractive young 3rd world wench. Wait untill said western man has spent his seed, say baby is his and sit back whilst the money rolls in. If he was so stupid as to stick it into the locals then he is stupid enough to keep opaying for the privledge but new women of course should ask for a test then send daughter, mother and dear hubby or whatever packeing even if just foe his stupidity

[nooka]

Or of course, the child in question is actually his. It does happen, and clearly it could have happened. If said good guilty liberal westener had worn a condom there wouldn't be a question of paying for a child which might or might not have been his. In which case the outcome could well be that the only person who might be sent packing is the OP.

[expatinscotland]

what a lovely attitude, thelord

but admittedly, any man who was willing to have a 'holiday fling' with no condom would have been off my phone list pronto at the dating stage.

and not because of the kid, more like HIV, HepC, any of the other seventy flavours out there.

[TheLordFlasheart]

What some call holiday fling, I call sex tourism. Only this time the sex tourist has had to pay a bit more than the equivalant of a fish supper, entirely down to his own naivete, if he had the stones to say yea course she's mine now fuck off none of this would have happened. Oh well when abroad keep it in your trousers as the foreigners start at Calais