to ask dp to get a DNA test to see if dd from previous relationship is his??

[wickedstepmom]

She is now in her early 20s & was the result of a holiday fling. DP did not know of her existence until she was 18mths old.

She lives overseas with her mother, dp supports her financially.

The problem is she doesn't look like dp, his family or anyone on her mother's side . Her mother has stolen money from dp & used to blackmail dp by threatening to abandon dd if he did not transfer money to her bank account.

dp now wants her to stay over here & meet our ds, i've said not without DNA test first. he refuses. now having huge arguments about it.

[milknosugar]

i realise ds belongs to both of you wsm. i wondered if you did?

[wickedstepmom]

I know that its possible to NOT look like both sides of your family. But dp also has his doubts.

ThatBigGermanP - we have met several times.

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

So what's the problem this time?

[wickedstepmom]

milknosugar - ds doesn't actually BELONG to anyone.

[expatinscotland]

if he had doubts, why didn't he asked for a DNA test long ago? they've been out for a while.

[Thisismynewname]

Sure, it's totally reasonable - as long as you then let your DH have a DNA test on your DS, you know, just to even the score

YABU - your DP accepted that she was his daughter many, many years ago. Presumably you accepted this yourself when you met your DP.

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

YOu do realise, don't you, that finding out she isn't physically related to your husband won't turn her into a psychotic baby murderer? She will still be the same person. I cannot understand your need to know her DNA structure. She can't help the way her mother has behaved.

[milknosugar]

and of course by picking on the way someone phrases something you totally invalidate their point dont you? well done

[mrz]

Whatever a DNA test says emotionally this young woman is his daughter and has been for almost two decades. If a test is likely to change that then I feel very sorry for you all.

[lunavix]

I'm going with why is he supporting a 20 year old??? lol

[TwoBigNorks]

If the mother has some hold over your DH and is blackmailing him, and he is willing to do a test, then it could be a good move. The daughter would still be a daughter, bacause of the love and history they share, but the mother wouldnt be able to get money from him.

[milknosugar]

she has said she cant meet her ds or stay at the house. thats fairly unwelcoming

[lisad123]

sorry you are being very unfair. You have met the girl, your DH has raised her as his own for the last 18 years. What does blood mattered??

[evangelina]

This makes me very uneasy- you should leave well alone or you risk losing your partner. It's his decision and you can't force the issue.

[edam]

You don't have any moral or legal or other right to insist your partner's dd has any sort of test at all. You are seriously over-reaching yourself here! None of your damn business at all. It's up to your partner how he conducts his relationship with his dd.

Don't you realise how strange you are being? Have you been watching too much daytime TV or something? Even if you have historic family issues, those are your issues, not your partner's and certainly not his daughter's.

[bluenosesaint]

YABU - its his daughter, blood or not. You cannot wipe away 18 years.

[wulfstan]

yabu

[tori32]

YABVU- what bluenosesaint said.

[wannaBe]

no I think yabu. totally.

This isn't a situation where he has potentially fathered a baby recently and the paternity of the baby needs to be established. This isn't a baby who can have a bit of blood taken or a mouth swab or whatever means it is they use to test DNA. This is an adult who would have to consent to having a DNA test.

And what do you propose to tell her about why she needs this test? "we need to know if your father is actually your father, oh dear, you didn't know he might not be? Oh I'm sorry about that, but anyway, we need to know, because if not then i really don't want you to meet our son or to stay at our house.".

Your son potentially finding out in years to come that the woman he grew up knowing to be his half sister isn't actually related to him at all might come as a bit of a shock to him (if in fact it ever happened, which if there is never a DNA test is unlikely), but for this girl, finding out the man she thought was her father potentially isn't, could absolutely shatter her world.

You have no right to do that to another human being. It is the ultimate selfish act IMO.

If you have issues re the finance then you need to resolve those with your dp, ie why is he supporting a grown woman financially, but whether this girl or isn't his daughter biologically is none of your business. She is his daughter and that is all there is to it.

[edam]

Fio, this isn't about the OP protecting a child, it's about the OP stomping around in a pair of size 14s all over something that is none of her damn business in the first place.