Is this a red flag? (Yelling)

[seriousquestion26]

Can I ask for advice on how to handle this situation

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 3 years , living together for 1. No kids (I’m mid 40s, he’s mid 50s). He was with someone for 20 years, 1 university aged child, she seems fine with him so no red flags there (she left him for someone else)

For the first time ever he shouted at me today … the reason was I heard a noise (worried it was a rat) and shouted for him to come down quickly (in case he could hear)

Apparently ‘being asked to drop everything’ is annoying to him. I explained that it was urgent…
This is v out of character- he’s usually v mild mannered

For context we are due to get married in a few months - I am the high earner in the relationship and it’s my house (he does a bit of freelancing)

Im concerned as I’m a bit vulnerable at the moment having lost my job 2 weeks ago (so now at home in the day focusing on my job search). I think he misses having the house to himself in the day & may be worried about money (he has serious savings from his earlier working life & inheritance)

I left & went back to my home office

Planning to tell him I won’t be yelled at (it might be overkill to say ‘so that again & the wedding is off /you need to leave’ - or maybe not?)

Anything else I need to do? Like refuse to spend time with him etc..?

Wary as my cousin’s (now ex) H started becoming abusive after marriage & ramped it up after pregnancy…

I can manage financially alone & fund most things including mortgage anyway

WWYD? Any advice for me please?

Tell him straight as you suggested. You wont ever tolerate that and if it happens again then the relationship will be over. Start tolerating it now and it will only get worse post marriage.

I don’t think it’s overkill to be clear about your personal red lines. I won’t tolerate people shouting at me either, I grew up being terrified by an emotionally incontinent mother and I’ll be damned if I’m going to put up with it now I’m an adult and have a choice in the matter. It’s completely unnecessary to bellow at people.

No, shouting once in 3 years isn't in itself a red flag but you should certainly sit down and tell him that shouting is 100% a deal breaker for you and that will be as true after marriage as it is before and you need to be sure he understands that.

After asking him if everything is ok because you were very surprised to be shouted at, of course.

You've been with him for 3 years and hes never yelled at you until this one time, when you called him urgently downstairs for no actual real reason?

No one is perfect and this would be a non event in my life. I'd just say- Hey! Don't shout at me like that! I thought there was a rat! And be done with it.

So you've known him for 3 years and this is the first time he has shouted at you?

You say yourself it's out of character so perhaps just a human being having a slightly bad day and lashing out, as most people, with the best will in the world, can do occasionally.

Just sit down, have an adult conversation with him and move on. Refusing to spend time with him or threatening to call off a wedding because of 1 incident would be fucking insane.

Please do not marry him.

He will be entitled to half your house and assets should you split.

I would probably stop shouting at him if I expect the same in return.

Thank you @Rowley456, @Error404FucksNotFoundand @sprigatito

i think this is the way

And showing compassion by asking how he is

@dairy:I’m not expecting perfection but I won’t be yelled at

Have you got a pre nup. If you are married, even if the house is on your sole name, the court will likely treat the marital home as a joint asset in the event of divorce (unlike savings held in each parties sole names).

I would say you need to explain to him how you're feeling, and what your line in the sand is. If it continues, then the wedding is off.

Having grown up with an excessively shouty parent, I hate that behaviour now. It really puts me on edge. I've explained it to partners, and they've largelyunderstood. So should your fiance. Or else he won't end up as your husband.....

@nomas:you have a point however I think I I would be entitled to half of what is his too

I’m getting a prenup & he was financially fair to his ex

So it's okay to yell at him but not if he tells back? Your own words!

Planning to tell him I won’t be yelled at (it might be overkill to say ‘so that again & the wedding is off /you need to leave’ - or maybe not?)

To even be thinking this way after 3 years and it's the first time he's ever shouted, tells me you've got cold feet about getting married.

If you'd rather not, then tell him but don't spend your time searching for an excuse.

I think if it was really aggressive shouting and you were scared, then yes it's a red flag. If he was angry and raised his voice, that's worth talking through. Yes you can draw a line.

I don't think ultimatums are useful unless this is a persistent problem and you mean it because they create a sense of insecurity and atmosphere of never being able to say anything in case you leave altogether. Couples have rows, it's life. But you are allowed not to put up with shouting and you should tell him you won't.

I can honestly say that neither of us has "yelled" at the other a single time in our 39 years together. We manage to have perfectly respectful conversations/discussions even when we disagree.

I'd regard "yelling" as a red flag. Not necessarily a deal breaker the first time, but certainly I'd be putting a "watch" on for similar behavioural signs.

I came from a family where my mother was a "shouter" and it created a horrible atmosphere. I broke up with my first boyfriend because he, too, started to show signs of being a "shouter" and I couldn't face it. Just no need to shout, I find it very aggressive.

The red flag, for me, is that you fund most things. Not being shouted at once in three years. Is there a reason for that?

My ‘yelling’ was calling his name to get him to come downstairs… it’s not aggressive so very different

Thanks @HollaHolla and @LadyMacbethGotABadPress - definitely getting a prenup

He has the same in savings as I do in equity (my house is about 70% paid off), but yes unfortunately the law treats a home differently vs savings

I was planning to ask him to buy into the house after our wedding but today has made me think I need to see how he behaves over time …

This really.

It sounds like you are in quite a stressful life situation at the moment and you say yourself it's out of character. We all are capable of losing our temper under pressure. We weren't there so it's hard to know if the shouting was aggressive or a loss of temper, but unless it was the former I would say it's just being human. I think it's "worse" behaviour to threaten to end your entire relationship over this. Unless there's more to the story you seem really quite unforgiving, when you could simply tell him it wasn't ok and you don't expect to be spoken to that way.

@sillygoof: I agree re funding, it’s because it’s my house (so I pay mortgage and maintain/insure etc). He pays bills in lieu of rent (all the bills - CT, utilities etc)

I’ve historically paid more when we go out etc but may need to rethink that with my job loss. He’s more frugal by nature, I’m a decent earner & want to enjoy life (as I feel I have a decent asset in a house, savings & pension pot etc)

Hmm if my husband yelled my name like that while I was working then I'd panic that he was having a heart attack or was confronting an intruder.

If it was 'I might have heard a rat' I'd probably be very angry TBH.

But you can decide what your own boundaries are in this relationship.

How he behaves? Jeez, like a test to see if he is allowed be an equal in the relationship...

Just imagine if a women wrote this - "I was feeling stressed and lost my temper. now my finance won't let me buy into our joint house untill I can prove to him I can behave" - I'm pretty sure a lot of people would say she was in controlling situation.

What assets does he have? Are they in his name or his parents?

Pre-nups are not usually binding in the UK.

Who says he was financially fair to his ex? He's bound to say he was.

@BusyGreySnail: I see your perspective. I’ve never lived with a man before (mid 40s, I’m from
a culture that doesn’t see live in relationships without marriage as v acceptable although I was born in the UK) so I don’t have that experience

I’m also wary of stories of men getting comfortable after marriage/kids and becoming abusive. It’s happened in my family & separately to a good friend plus I hear it about acquaintances etc … it’s one of the reasons I didn’t pursue marriage when I was younger !

I'm about your age and if I was single nothing on earth could get me to put my house and pension at risk, just for a man.

Pre nups aren't binding in the UK, marriage is a financial contract that could potentially destroy your life and retirement.

Don't get married if you are waiting to see how he behaves.