To think that's not what vulnerability at work means?

[ToeSucker]

I am really having trouble getting past an interaction I had with my manager last week. I've been on this team for about 8 months.

We were having a meeting and she said she had something she needed to talk to me about. Then she said she wanted to ask me to try to he more vulnerable at work.
I was a bit taken aback so I asked what she meant and long story short (she went on quite a monologue) she said she didn't feel I was sharing enough of what upset me and making that visible. I asked for an example and she mentioned a time when we had numerous unplanned/curveball tasks coming at us and I laughed about it and made a "flippant remark" (specifically I said "here it goes again"). Apparently this is an unnatural response and at the time she had to take an afternoon off due to the stress (I did remember this). Essentially the bottom line was I "make staff feel uncomfortable by not showing a normal range of emotions". She also mentioned that she had not seen me cry in all my time there.
I asked if anyone else complained and she wasn't specific. The only person there for that conversation was her!!
I asked what I needed to do and she said come back with a reflection.

What is a normal range of emotions?? Before this job I was under the impression "vulnerability at work" was supposed to mean owning up to your failures etc, not full on bawling every time something gets challenging.

I am quite bothered by this to me honest. Not sure what's expected of me. AIBU for thinking this is odd? I'm not new to the working world.

Bizarre. I am in my sixties and have cried at work twice. Both times someone had died.

Feels to me she is struggling to be a manager /doesn’t understand how to be one.
I would document everything.
Send her an email to follow up on your most recent conversation and ask for a specific examples. She will need to reply to you - option 1. She brushes the whole thing under the carpet. 2. She will give you that example and then you can respond to it.
is she on the spectrum at all? That might explain some of the behavior.
No one should be crying at their place of work. Ever. For her to want you to cry shows immaturity and very little professionalism.

I have been at my job for 19 years. It’s quite stressful at times. People might cry in the loos or in an office one on one but are people crying all the time at your work?! I think I’ve seen someone cry in the middle of the office once !

I think she is deflecting her own issues at you. I would definitely write back the conversation in her words. It’s normal for people to say here we go again, but understand that now it’s been said maybe something less flippant would be better. But the crying comment is mad. I would be saying you’re very resilient and that you are completely comfortable with hard work and pressure. Re the oversharing of her one night stands I would definitely also tell her that this is making you uncomfortable and would appreciate that it stops, this would / could actually be sexual harassment due to creating a degrading/uncomfortable environment for you. It’s a less obvious example but case law shows examples where this has won in an ET.

Sounds like something the contestants on a dating show like The Batchelor/Bachelorette say. I'd be pissing myself laughing if a manager said that to me quite frankly.

Your manager is completely batshit OP.

As are a number of the responses on here trying to pick holes in your wonderfully resilient response to a bit of work stress.

It may be a way of her saying that you are 'cold' and she wants to be able to form a close relationship with you but can't. Or that she wants you to show empathy for her when she is struggling with changes. Which in my opinion is unprofessional, she as the manager should be keeping her calm and reassuring staff, not the other way round. You also don't owe anyone at work your 'vulnerability' if you just want professional relationships rather than friendships there is nothing wrong with that.
It may also be that she is feeling inferior to you because you are more resilient than her.

@ToeSucker Sounds like a rather unique situation!

Try to find compassion amongst the unionising, meticulous note taking, assuming that she wants you fired and other er helpful suggestions given here. She is a human being.

I am sadly unsurprised at how little people (on here) are concerned about this poor woman's emotional wellbeing.

I suspect that she doesnt trust her own emotions and reactions, and needs others to validate them by also being (?overly) emotive. It can be mighty unnerving when one is ultra stressed and others seem relaxed. If may come off as lacking in interest or care about the outcome. This often happens when people come from dramatic, highly emotionally expressive families. Of course it is becauee you have a good degree of emotional control and resilience. I think maybe she sees that as a lack of caring.

For example, I know several people who believe that worrying shows one cares. "If I dont worry then I dont care about X". They typically come from families that are highly dramatic with a lot of "oh my god!!!" type responses to stress.

This is also a psychological tendency especially in generalised anxiety disorder. People with GAD often believe worry = being competent, caring etc. It would also track as she gets upset and tearful/stressed a fair bit.

I am very calm and people have misinterpreted my calmness when in high stress situations as being laisse faire and disinterested. That is so far from reality.

So try to being compassion to her. She clearly has low impulse control (e.g. sexualised talk at work) and possibly really strong beliefs about emotional expression.

Sounds like you are an excellent employee with high stress tolerance and she may find that unnerving. She isnt going to get you fired for not crying at work. Maybe verbalise that you "get" her emotional responses a bit more. That may take off the edge.

Good luck! And look after yourself..

I don't think managers should be looking to their subordinates to meet their emotional needs. Managers should be stable and steady leaders. If they need emotional support they should go to their own line manager/friends/therapy.
If this was the other way round and the OP was the manager I'd have more sympathy for the person asking for vulnerability but for a manager to ask that is really inappropriate.

Good god. I’ve worked in the same unit for 25 years (high paced medical environment) snd I have never cried at work. I’d be mortified. I wouldn’t judge anyone else for crying but it’s not me. Sounds like your coping skills are making her feel inadequate

If work is making you cry then it’s either the wrong job for you or you need to take time out because it just isn’t healthy

I am not saying it is right or wrong.

Though I think a human approach free from "managers must be solid and steady" may be helpful. Unless we assume managers arent people with things going on.

I manage people and we look after each other. I do the formal stuff but we are a team, not me dictating and being the guru with all the solutions.

The next time she tells you about her one night stands (?!), start to cry and say you are feeling upset because you’re jealous/you’re religious -delete as appropriate. No seriously, she sounds crazy and completely OTT asking you to come back with a ‘reflection’.

There's a big jump between not being a dictator and thinking you have all the answers to asking people to be vulnerable to meet your own emotional needs.

Absolutely bonkers to expect people to cry at work (except maybe professional mourners). I agree that you should just keep being professional.

She thinks you are making her look bad. You are. She's nuts.

I'd start requesting her crazy suggestions in writing so that you have evidence.

I took the ‘here we go again’ comments as the OP having a ‘let’s get to work and get this done’ can do attitude. I have no idea where you’re getting all this passive aggressive stuff from. And I’ve been known to us passive aggression at times!

OP, I reckon she realises that you’re better at work than she is and she’s trying to cut you down to size.

You're right, that is not vulnerability at work. She doesn't seem to be aware or accept that different people process emotions differently, and you not reacting in the same way as her is not a failure, inappropriate or wrong. It is just different.

If anything I would say her reactions and behaviour is bordering inappropriate. Sharing personal details of her sex life when you are clearly not personal friends is not professional.

Its just a job. You don't need to be emotional about it, but equally it is ok for people who are. It isn't a problem if you do cry occasionally, but I would be very worried about any job that made someone cry regularly. You keep your boundaries in place, don't let the pressure get to you, deal with tasks as they come.

She may be concerned that you are cool, calm and competent, making her look less capable by not flapping under pressure.

This is exactly how I meant it!