To think that's not what vulnerability at work means?

[ToeSucker]

I am really having trouble getting past an interaction I had with my manager last week. I've been on this team for about 8 months.

We were having a meeting and she said she had something she needed to talk to me about. Then she said she wanted to ask me to try to he more vulnerable at work.
I was a bit taken aback so I asked what she meant and long story short (she went on quite a monologue) she said she didn't feel I was sharing enough of what upset me and making that visible. I asked for an example and she mentioned a time when we had numerous unplanned/curveball tasks coming at us and I laughed about it and made a "flippant remark" (specifically I said "here it goes again"). Apparently this is an unnatural response and at the time she had to take an afternoon off due to the stress (I did remember this). Essentially the bottom line was I "make staff feel uncomfortable by not showing a normal range of emotions". She also mentioned that she had not seen me cry in all my time there.
I asked if anyone else complained and she wasn't specific. The only person there for that conversation was her!!
I asked what I needed to do and she said come back with a reflection.

What is a normal range of emotions?? Before this job I was under the impression "vulnerability at work" was supposed to mean owning up to your failures etc, not full on bawling every time something gets challenging.

I am quite bothered by this to me honest. Not sure what's expected of me. AIBU for thinking this is odd? I'm not new to the working world.

"Here it goes again" with a laugh does not indicate sarcasm, anger, or passive aggression.

Just ignore her or smile and say your mum was a single mum who raised you with a stiff upper lip attitude but you are not talking more about it because this will be impinging on your privacy

I am not sure what you're visualising happened here. This response has me confused. But I will take your comment on board.
The additional work was delivered to me by management, in a 30 minute discussion where she put her head in her hands and said "I can't believe this is happening again and there's nothing we can do about it".
She signed off for the afternoon after that meeting.
I am interpreting your advice is that I should have said nothing? She was not obviously tearful in the meeting, just angry and frustrated. Or should I have mirrored her anger?

"Here it goes again" sounds like a passive agressive statement. It's not bad but it isn't helpful.

However, the rest of it sounds batshit and extremely unprofessional.

I would document the conversation in full. I suspect you'll need to rely on it in future.

What would have been helpful?

That’s really odd. Is she a ‘brings your whole self to work’ person? What if your whole self is practical, pragmatic, unemotional?? Then she’s discriminating against you…

she sounds like an lunatic. What matters is how you do your job. Not how often you cry…

She laughed and said ‘here we go again!’. It was a vocal complaint hidden (not so well) behind a laugh.

I don’t know how she could visually show her fury with been over worked. I don’t agree she should cry, but maybe silently fume and then approach management to discuss her workload.

I wasn't angry at all though. Where did you get fury from? I used to work in Big 4 , these hours I'm currently doing are nothing! I just laughed it off.

I'm very much in camp do nothing. There's nothing to put you on a PIP for. She was just projecting her insecurities on to you.
If she comes back demanding a reflection I'd just be honest and polite and ask for clarification on what it is she's concerned about x

So many people suggesting unions - these usually aren’t recognised by private sector especially big advisory firms, so not worth doing

Ignore this. You can be in a union whether they like it or not. Always worth being unionised.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Unless there is something else massive going on in her life that means she needs additional support bailing on her team because there was too much work come in is terrible, she’s supposed to be the leader FFS! Watch your back @ToeSucker , she is shit and thinks you make her look bad so she’s coming for you.

Tell her you've reflected on what she said and she's actually made you feel very vulnerable. That she had made you feel there was no space for you to be your authentic self and respond in a genuine way, as you did in that meeting, and that this is very stressful for you.
See how she likes them onions.

It's such a shitty workplace that everyone cries all the time, and they are so used to this state of things that they think you're the weird one? Well, fuck.

She sounds bonkers. Sounds like she wants you to be as stressed as her to make her feel better. And agree - do all the men regularly cry at work? Does she address it with them if they don’t?
if you really like your job and don’t want to rock the boat then maybe try and be hyper aware of the mood of others in the room and try and match it. But this is crazy and she should not be holding up crying at work as something to aspire to!

Well there’s obviously an issue and we can only comment on what we’re reading in your posts.

I think a clever person like you could reflect and work out how you are coming across to your colleagues and how to proceed with fixing it.

Oh yuck! Tell her once,
firmly and clearly that hearing about her personal life makes you feel uncomfortable.

Unless that is it's advice how to improve OPs Toesucking technique perhaps tee hee

Sorry TS, couldn't resist

Just because the manager say there's an issue don't mean there is. Look again at what the manager actually gave as an example, as well as her advice for the future. She is the on who is out of line.

The manager is ridiculous. Your 'here we go' comment was perfectly normal, and fine. The only times I've had managers comment on my calmness under pressure, it's been as a compliment. I've only once seen someone cry at work, and that was a couple of days after 7/7 and she'd been close to the bus as it blew up.

Indeed, and I am trying to re-direct to a more accurate description where I feel misinterpretations or incorrect assumptions have been made.

You're not the problem; she is.

She's obviously stressed and has the strange idea people who are stressed should behave in a certain way - crying, head in hands etc. The fact her solution to you being overrun was to go off sick is not a good omen.

The only times I've cried at work are when things have been incredibly unfair and I'm frustrated and angry that something has been said or done that is completely out of order. I have worked in very busy offices. Offices where awful things have happened to children. Offices where people have expressed suicidal ideation. I haven't cried in any of those situations because I can compartmentalise, get on with the job and use light humour (never disrespectful but along the lines of what you've said) to get through to the other side. E.g. I was on my way to court when the suicidal ideation comms came through and I said I knew I shouldn't have popped into the office on the way to court. And then got on with my job and made it to court on time.

Your boss is the problem. Not you showing 'vulnerability'. That's about being yourself which you are being. And as you say, owning and learning from mistakes. Not crumbling and crying under pressure.

Follow up with clarifying questions on email.

Something suss about this.

Yes.

Also different people find different things stressful.

But a bad manager could become problematic for OP. Worth documenting strange requests like this for the inevitable HR discussion down the line.