To think that's not what vulnerability at work means?

[ToeSucker]

I am really having trouble getting past an interaction I had with my manager last week. I've been on this team for about 8 months.

We were having a meeting and she said she had something she needed to talk to me about. Then she said she wanted to ask me to try to he more vulnerable at work.
I was a bit taken aback so I asked what she meant and long story short (she went on quite a monologue) she said she didn't feel I was sharing enough of what upset me and making that visible. I asked for an example and she mentioned a time when we had numerous unplanned/curveball tasks coming at us and I laughed about it and made a "flippant remark" (specifically I said "here it goes again"). Apparently this is an unnatural response and at the time she had to take an afternoon off due to the stress (I did remember this). Essentially the bottom line was I "make staff feel uncomfortable by not showing a normal range of emotions". She also mentioned that she had not seen me cry in all my time there.
I asked if anyone else complained and she wasn't specific. The only person there for that conversation was her!!
I asked what I needed to do and she said come back with a reflection.

What is a normal range of emotions?? Before this job I was under the impression "vulnerability at work" was supposed to mean owning up to your failures etc, not full on bawling every time something gets challenging.

I am quite bothered by this to me honest. Not sure what's expected of me. AIBU for thinking this is odd? I'm not new to the working world.

She sounds completely unprofessional.

I'd be careful. She sounds absolutely nuts.

So OP what is your reflection going to be should she come back to you?

You could go with I'm on antidepressants (are you) which numbs me somewhat

Or I'm used to high pressure environments and I hadn't realised thatu colleagues would struggle with that which perhaps made me a tad insensitive. I can be a little "that word she said you were tactless was it.

Flippant. It's a tough one coz you don't want to come off as a smarty pants.

She may also be feeling rejected if her overtures towards you in terms of bonding conversations didn't go as planned.

That is an interesting point too yes. Maybe as I don't reciprocate with one night stand stories as I'm married with 2 teens! Although she's nearly my age

Umm I can testify...not everyone has much luck with men :(.

Reminds me of a colleague I once had who was the queen of vague. You could ask her a question and she’d spend ten minutes monologuing and you would have no idea what the answer was. Managers took to saying ‘yes or no’ at her two or three times until she committed herself to an answer. NHS so no one could actually manage her despite being called Managers though 😵‍💫.

Agree to get things in writing, or at least get your side in writing even if she doesn’t answer.

I’m in consulting - the talk about one night stands would cross our lines def into reportable to HR

I imagine union doesn’t exist but do you have some kind of confidential route into HR / trusted HR partner you can speak with?

Overall - her comments are really weird. Yes I have had people cry at work (consulting) but not about work pressure - crying about work being busy and taking the afternoon off would more signal this isn’t the best fit, cry is usually often about something personal or if you are giving bad news on their performance.

She is bonkers.
Lie and say you volunteered for a few years in a children's hospice and what you saw children and families go through puts all your worries into perspective. Say if she did the same she would understand

Mad as a box of frogs. I would ignore her she sounds unhinged.

I'd be very careful. I think she feels threatened by you and wants to get inside your head. Ive had this. Someone at work wanting me to open up and as soon as i did they used it to start criticising me. If i were you, i'd talk to someone higher up and say you feel very uncomfortable and that she's overstepping, that way if you have trouble with her fyrther down the line you've already red flagged it. Better still, maybe get a job in a different department or a different company. People like her are dangerous.

She sounds quite barmy and batty.

Personally, I would simply reflect and then say something positive like... "I do feel I express emotions at work in a suitable way, we are all different. I don't judge others for reacting differently to me.I have been here a while and some of the things that happen are things I have seen before and may see again. but, anyway, I do try and do the job to the best standard I can. I so much enjoy working here." That's the kind of vibe but change the words to something real for you.

Good luck.

How long has the manager been at the company OP?

I had this too. I was sharing a piece of work and asked her to contact someone because they gave me a weird vibe and I'd rather not communicate with them. She brought it up in my appraisal as the only negative example. Apparently I struggled to put personal differences aside to get the job done. So I never went to her with any problems ever again. I went to safe people.

Less than 2 years

Right

Honestly, I think I’d be a bit taken aback by this as well.

I’m probably very similar to you. When everything is going wrong and the workload is ridiculous, I’ll generally make a sarcastic comment about it, have a laugh and crack on. That doesn’t mean I don’t care or that I’m oblivious to how much pressure everyone is under. It’s just how I deal with stressful situations.

Life experience also massively affects your perspective. I’ve dealt with some pretty significant personal stuff over the years, so my threshold for what I consider a genuine crisis is probably quite high. Work can be stressful, annoying and difficult without me feeling devastated by it. And I don’t think that means I lack empathy. I can see that somebody else is struggling and support them without needing to mirror their emotions.

I would take seriously the bit about humour perhaps coming across as dismissive, because that could be a genuine blind spot. If several people are interpreting something differently from how you mean it, it’s worth understanding why. But beyond that, I’d want specifics.

What does your manager actually mean by a “normal range of emotions”? What behaviour has she seen that concerns her? What would she have expected you to do instead?

Because “you don’t cry at work” is a very odd measure of vulnerability or empathy!

To me, vulnerability is being able to say “I got that wrong”, “I need help”, “I don’t know” or “I’m struggling with this”. It isn’t having to visibly demonstrate distress whenever something difficult happens.

So I’d listen to the feedback, ask for examples and reflect honestly on whether there’s anything useful in it. But I definitely wouldn’t feel obliged to manufacture an emotional response just because someone else thinks that’s how you’re supposed to react.

Some of us swear, make inappropriate jokes about the impending disaster and get on with fixing it.

Yes to be honest I've been concerned for a while that the over sharing might be because she wants me to over share so she can use something against me. I am also worried the request for vulnerability is an escalation of this due to not getting the response she wants.

I’d be baffled and alarmed if I was EXPECTED to cry at work. It sounds like you made a joke about the curveballs and got on with it. But she had to go home because of the stress. Why didn’t SHE be more vulnerable and cry at work then? I think the issue is that she is too sensitive and emotional to be managing people.

I've never seen so many adjectives such as barmy mad batty etc.

What if she's struggling/menopausal/ being used sexually/ overstretching herself in a new job.

People are complex. Some good answers on here though

Hope you can resolve the situation OP.
X

If she's crying at work she's probably not up to the job. You're showing her up by being too professional.

Exactly this. I might be tempted to tell her i don't feel vulnerable at work and it's weird that she thinks you should. I don't have patience for idiotic mind games. Probably a good job i'm retired. I do remember a manager saying we should try "blue sky thinking" didn't cover myself in glory when I asked what the fuck he was talking about. He just rolled his eyes and told me to forget it.

Yes that is fair. I did ask for examples of my abnormal emotional responses from other colleagues but she didn't answer directly or give me an example (she continued talking about the example where I interacted with her). So I don't know.

I do say "I don't know but I'll find out" etc.

No. She wants you to start crying and getting emotional and stating you are struggling with certain tasks. She will document this and then use those instances in the PIP.

Why are there so many crazy, incompetent managers these days?

As others have said, join a union and record every interaction. And personally I'd be job hunting (even though I know it's absolutely rubbish out there right now). She really doesn't sound suitable for managing anything or anyone, how did she end up in the job?!