To think that's not what vulnerability at work means?

[ToeSucker]

I am really having trouble getting past an interaction I had with my manager last week. I've been on this team for about 8 months.

We were having a meeting and she said she had something she needed to talk to me about. Then she said she wanted to ask me to try to he more vulnerable at work.
I was a bit taken aback so I asked what she meant and long story short (she went on quite a monologue) she said she didn't feel I was sharing enough of what upset me and making that visible. I asked for an example and she mentioned a time when we had numerous unplanned/curveball tasks coming at us and I laughed about it and made a "flippant remark" (specifically I said "here it goes again"). Apparently this is an unnatural response and at the time she had to take an afternoon off due to the stress (I did remember this). Essentially the bottom line was I "make staff feel uncomfortable by not showing a normal range of emotions". She also mentioned that she had not seen me cry in all my time there.
I asked if anyone else complained and she wasn't specific. The only person there for that conversation was her!!
I asked what I needed to do and she said come back with a reflection.

What is a normal range of emotions?? Before this job I was under the impression "vulnerability at work" was supposed to mean owning up to your failures etc, not full on bawling every time something gets challenging.

I am quite bothered by this to me honest. Not sure what's expected of me. AIBU for thinking this is odd? I'm not new to the working world.

I’d definitely tread carefully.
My reflection would be humour is my go to coping mechanism and I’d always focus on getting on with the work and prioritising tasks rather than shying away so it becomes more of an issue or others have to pick it up. Crying in workplace isn’t appropriate. I can’t think I’ve ever cried in office.

I would be keeping a record, ensuring you are in a union, and being very very careful. I respond the same way as you to crises - my managers praise my enthusiasm.

I don’t think there are many jobs where the employer would actively want staff to be so stressed they cry at work, granted some jobs will expose people to awful things and they get access to therapy, but generally most employers would see it as a failure if staff were crying at work.

To add to this - you make her feel uncomfortable because of your confidence

What the fuck. I have never once cried at work, I'm 3 years off retirement. I thought keeping calm was the goal!

@ToeSucker your emotions from that flippant comment are very clear ‘you were pissed off’ and we’re passive aggressive - laughing while saying a negative comment.

You may have had every right to do this, but she’s saying your emotions (sarcastic and angry) are making others feel uncomfortable.

Why she wants the opposite though, losing your shit and crying in a professional setting is beyond me. Crying at work is not the done thing.

Being visually overwhelmed from the extra workload without slagging off the company would sort the issue.

And it’s way off and inappropriate to ask you to cry at work - ludicrous!

make sure you put this in writing

Definitely ask her to write her points in an email, or you do it and send to her for clarification.
And you can pretend to “reflect” to yourself afterwards.

I laughed really light heartedly. Is every laugh in response to a negative situation automatically passive aggressive? Are you just saying the only appropriate response is no response at all?

I agree with @BooMooShriekinsandStilettos. Record it. Unionise. HR. Watch yourself. I feel like this is mental from your manager and very very strange.

Op tlbe careful about escalating this chat .

You could be painted as the trouble maker going to HR. Wait till or if she gets back to you.

Try not to worry till or if she does.

She's maybe feeling foolish for talking about her sex life.

If she mentions this again just downplay everything. Just my opinion naturally

That’s insane. Have you seen others crying at work? Definitely get it summarised in writing and get HR involved. Reflections are expected in healthcare, you know, where you see people go through the worst things imaginable, but they’re private. I wouldn’t expect them to be demanded in other professions.

Keep notes of everything, particularly when she’s being unprofessional. It’s certainly not appropriate for her to tell you about her one night stands. Keep the notes in a notebook, in your bag, not on your computer. Date and time them. She sounds as though she’s ip to something. Be as bland as possible and avoid getting drawn into discussions. If she criticises you, ask her to email you a summary of what she would like you to change or actions she wants you to change.

I would ask for a summary of the meeting in writing. Maybe take half a day off with stress every few months?

I find this very bizarre.

She sounds unstable. I'd try to avoid her as much as possible (without it being obvious) and just focus on getting through each day as it comes. Unfortunately, I'd also fear that she has it in for you for some reason, so I'd be considering any other options for employment.

Ask her in an email to clarify what she meant be 'vulnerable' as is this som3ehting she feels you need to work on in your personal skill set at work.

Unless you're an actor, I can't see why crying at work is ever a good thing (yes, it's normal if you're a carer/health/teacher/social worker etc to see upsetting things, but even then, you wouldn't be expected to cry while working). You post suggests you work in an office and no one ever cried at any office I ever worked at (unless they'd personal issues-it certainly wasn't a job requirement!) and it seems very weird that your boss wants you to act like an infant child.
I'd be speaking to the union.

That's actually a type of workplace sexual harassment and is reportable...

How bizarre, I agree with PPs that it sounds like your resilience makes her feeI inadequate.

I don’t ever cry anywhere, let alone at work. It’s just not something I do.

Lightly laughing whilst saying ‘he we go again’, shows you have a problem with the workload and their demands on you. You expressed it passive aggressively rather than approaching management to discuss the issue in a professional manner.

I’m assuming this ‘passive aggressive’ way of communicating your issues is a common occurrence if it’s been highlighted to you that your co-workers are uncomfortable.

You were overrun so she thought the best solution was to make you understaffed as well?! She's batshit and highly unprofessional.

I would take it as needing to soften her approach. She’s currently unlikeable.

Is she worried that your professionalism will highlight her unprofessionalism? If she can't cope but you can, perhaps she's concerned that you make her look bad so she's trying to make you look bad too?

WTF? Are you the manager?

The OP's response was of the "been here before" type, someone not fazed by more of the same. She showed neither anger nor sarcasm.

Your recommendation that she act out being visually overwhelmed is beyond bizarre? How would she do that anyway?