To think that's not what vulnerability at work means?

[ToeSucker]

I am really having trouble getting past an interaction I had with my manager last week. I've been on this team for about 8 months.

We were having a meeting and she said she had something she needed to talk to me about. Then she said she wanted to ask me to try to he more vulnerable at work.
I was a bit taken aback so I asked what she meant and long story short (she went on quite a monologue) she said she didn't feel I was sharing enough of what upset me and making that visible. I asked for an example and she mentioned a time when we had numerous unplanned/curveball tasks coming at us and I laughed about it and made a "flippant remark" (specifically I said "here it goes again"). Apparently this is an unnatural response and at the time she had to take an afternoon off due to the stress (I did remember this). Essentially the bottom line was I "make staff feel uncomfortable by not showing a normal range of emotions". She also mentioned that she had not seen me cry in all my time there.
I asked if anyone else complained and she wasn't specific. The only person there for that conversation was her!!
I asked what I needed to do and she said come back with a reflection.

What is a normal range of emotions?? Before this job I was under the impression "vulnerability at work" was supposed to mean owning up to your failures etc, not full on bawling every time something gets challenging.

I am quite bothered by this to me honest. Not sure what's expected of me. AIBU for thinking this is odd? I'm not new to the working world.

She's setting you up for a PIP.

Based on not crying enough? That's my PIP? Cry more?

maybe even a squeak

Would she ask a man that?
Sounds very weird/projecting I.e. she crashes out but doesn't like that you appear to stay calm/flippant at worst.

She sounds insane

She took the afternoon off with stress because you weren't performatively upset by something?

Your manager is way off base and sounds a little unhinged.

Are they otherwise a good manager?How well do you know the rest of the team, what do they think of them?

Personally I'd keep behaving your normal way and if she asks for your 'reflection', say some meaningless waffle. Maybe use AI to suggest wording to take out the mental load of having to deal with this crap

No no no she took it off because we were overrun

They aren't amazing no. But 80% of the time they're fine

What do you work in that would mean you should cry at work?!! I work in emergency services and see horrendous things regularly, if I cried at work about it there’d be flags about my mental health and suitability for the job!
I’d make a record of the comments she makes to fight back should she try to pip you!

What is HR like where you work?
Are you part of a union?
Watch yourself.
Keep a log.
My DP was told about his "aggressive use of silence" once in an appraisal.
He was and has always has been of the "least said, soonest mended" mindset.
No idea what the issue here is but probably a personality clash.
I'd take advice from union rep or HR and don't write anything in a reflection that either undermines you or can be used against you at a later date.

You’re right, she’s (bonkers) wrong.

I'm in consulting so no, not really exposed to particularly difficult things. Just occasionally a lot of work and conflicting deadlines

I’d turn it on her and say ‘that’s funny because I had concerns about you, having to take time off for being overrun and leaving the team to pick up the work is worrying I think?!’
I wonder if because she can’t cope she realises it might make her look bad that you can?

Raise this with HR in writing so you have something documented. Even better, ask your manager to put this in writing to you and forward it to HR.

Oh and if you are neurodivergent or she suspects you are, she is actually being ableist expecting you to show whatever emotions she thinks you're missing 👀/accusing you of being a robot 😬
Is there any paper trail of this convo/feedback/appraisal? I'd love to see it in writing 🧐

If it's normal for people to be weeping in your workplace I'd look for another job OP. Some people are weepers and that's fine but it isn't and shouldn't be expected at work.

She sounds incredibly insecure, and perhaps a little jealous of your professionalism, resilience and competence.

This is a her problem, not a you problem.

Ask her for her concerns to be noted in writing, and that there is a paper trail.

Read through all your company policies and your contract carefully, just to ensure you haven’t missed anything regarding “vulnerability at work” (whatever the fuck that means).

If there ever is a time you become upset and need to talk to anyone about anything at work - do not go to her. Keep your working relationship strictly polite and professional. Dont tell her anything about your personal life. Keep notes of any other weird shit she continues.

Market isn't great unfortunately so while I probably will look for a new job, that isn't a reliable solution right now!

What a load of carbollick.

Make a note.

Wait till she comes back to you.

My guess is she was embarrassed at not being able to cope and is feeling inadequate. And then had a go at you to maybe get a rise out of you.

I'd do nowt till she comes back to you. X

It sounds like you have better coping mechanisms than your manager and that’s making her criticise you. Perhaps she feels threatened by you.
I am in a sometimes upsetting environment (mental health) and I don’t think I have ever cried at work.
I think I would go through the motions of a reflection. But watch your back, this manager is trouble.

This.

She's mad. And looking for ammunition to use against you and/or manipulate you with.

Weird power games.

Good luck with this weirdo!

I’d be tempted to summarise your understanding of the meeting in an email and send it to her for confirmation that’s what she wants you to work on and then involve HR.

I’ve never seen a colleague cry in all the 25 years I’ve worked (in a similar field to yours). It sounds like she can’t deal with pressure and she doesn’t understand how to behave like a professional.

This!

she had no right to question you and ask for this - non of her business

you sound very competent - that’s all they should be interested in

You make her feel uncomfortable. That's it in a nutshell.

I would not be asking for any more info keep shtum

And just be yourself. Because you can't be anyone else.

While we're on unprofessional, she keeps telling me all about her one night stands. I do not want to know.