To think that's not what vulnerability at work means?

[ToeSucker]

I am really having trouble getting past an interaction I had with my manager last week. I've been on this team for about 8 months.

We were having a meeting and she said she had something she needed to talk to me about. Then she said she wanted to ask me to try to he more vulnerable at work.
I was a bit taken aback so I asked what she meant and long story short (she went on quite a monologue) she said she didn't feel I was sharing enough of what upset me and making that visible. I asked for an example and she mentioned a time when we had numerous unplanned/curveball tasks coming at us and I laughed about it and made a "flippant remark" (specifically I said "here it goes again"). Apparently this is an unnatural response and at the time she had to take an afternoon off due to the stress (I did remember this). Essentially the bottom line was I "make staff feel uncomfortable by not showing a normal range of emotions". She also mentioned that she had not seen me cry in all my time there.
I asked if anyone else complained and she wasn't specific. The only person there for that conversation was her!!
I asked what I needed to do and she said come back with a reflection.

What is a normal range of emotions?? Before this job I was under the impression "vulnerability at work" was supposed to mean owning up to your failures etc, not full on bawling every time something gets challenging.

I am quite bothered by this to me honest. Not sure what's expected of me. AIBU for thinking this is odd? I'm not new to the working world.

I’ve been big 4 too op and I get it. I’d reply in writing Hi x, thanks for the discussion yesterday, I just need to clarify the ask of me as it’s still not clear to me. You’ve asked me to reflect on how I could be more vulnerable at work, because I don’t visibly show stress and upset when the workload is higher? Maybe I wasn’t clear in the meeting, I haven’t found the workload particularly stressful and that’s why I seem relaxed about it, I just manage it and put in the hours, I’m not hiding some secret stress every day. Thank you for the thought you’ve put into this, but now I’ve explained do you still want the reflection? And what should it be about?

Indeed, and I am trying to re-direct to a more accurate description where I feel misinterpretations or incorrect assumptions have been made.

Bots will do that. They can't understand text, much less subtext. The ones on here are definitely not ready for prime-time.

I think I would say to her flatly she needs to be focussing on herself , being less vulnerable and more professional. I have never cried at work, and never intend to.

You made this point already. Are you just going to keep making it until @ToeSucker agrees with you?

I don't agree with you.

So, because she can't control her own emotions in the workplace, that's a 'you problem'? Think I've heard it all now...

Exactly. You have to be very very careful who you trust at work. Sad but true.

I think a clever person like you could reflect and work out how you are coming across to your colleagues and how to proceed with fixing it.

Textbook pass agg 😄

Is there a middle ground here where you both have your POV. Maybe proactively organise a catchup with her, thank her for her feedback and say, “I may not agree completely that I don’t demonstrate a normal range of emotions at work, however I appreciate how I reacted to the workload that previous time, may have fallen badly for others. Thanks for letting know.”

My manager once complained that I didn't seem stressed enough at work. Apparently, not tearing your hair out shows a lack of commitment.

Be aware that under the Employment Rights Act 2025, the qualifying period for ordinary unfair dismissal protection will be reduced from two years to six months. This begins in January 2027 in England, Scotland and Wales. Many employers and employees are not yet aware of this. I would keep your head down and document this and any other relevant incidents. Join a union.

Being used sexually?!

I mean, it's not out of the question, but should this be a go-to theory when a manager behaves in (what I think is) a fairly sinister way?

I wasn't going to say anything, but I've found your contributions to this thread a bit weird tbh.

Agree. I could be wron g, but she sounds very dodgy to me. Someone who wants to see you cry as an expression of emotion is, imo,. not a well balanced person. Just imagine if it were a personal relationship, would you not feel uncomfortable if your partner wanted you to be off balance and extremely upset as an indication that you have feelings. It's a bit sick. It sounds manipulative. It sounds like she wants to see you off balance as a way of making herself feel more secure. I really would be very careful not to show vulnerabilities to her. I'm almost certain she's not to be trusted. Twice in my life ( once in a work situation )I've experienced women who pushed and pushed to become friendly with me and get me to let down my guard, only to later use my vulnerabilities against me and start criticising me. I can come across as quite confident and self- sufficient and I realised they just wanted to get inside my head to find fault and that they weren't actually friendly or interested in my wellbeing at all. They used similar tactics to your manager. Trying to make me feel as if my behaviour wasn't quite right, then throwing things back at me whwn I tried to engage with what they were saying. Don't play along OP. Keep uour guard up and if necessary confide in someone you feel you can genuinely trust. I'd tell domeone higher up about the crying comment because I think that is genuinely disturbing and senior management should be made aware of it.

This whole thing makes me shudder to my core, OP.

My reflection would go something like this:

'I have been considering what you shared with me on X date. You explained that you were concerned about [give your summary here with direct quotes where possible].

My first reaction is that I do not want to make anyone else at work feel unhappy or uncomfortable. This is never my intention.

I am having difficulty accepting the concept of a 'normal range of emotions'. It occurs to me that a situation does not inherently trigger the same emotions in everyone. For example, the same work situation might trigger sadness, anxiety, frustration or in fact trigger no strong emotion at all. Different people are affected differently by different things. People responding differently to one another does not make anyone better or worse; there is no 'right' or 'superior' reaction, at least not the majority of the time as far as I am concerned.

I am also aware that people not only have different underlying experiences of emotion; they differ in their style of emotional expression. This is a very personal thing and is again not a question of right and wrong in my view. For example, on the occasion you mentioned, I instinctively used what I intended to be humour when faced with a stressful situation. This didn't reflect on any lack of care over the work or on the impact of workflow on me and my colleagues, but is a habitual style. Other styles of expressing and coping with emotions are equally valid and I do not view anyone in a negative light for responding differently. Once again, we are all different.

If my way of expressing my emotions has caused you concern, this is useful for me to know and reflect on. It is good for colleagues to understand one another well and to consider how we come across to one another. At the same time, I do believe it is important that different emotional experiences and styles of emotional expression are respected wherever possible. Diversity is a great strength in a team.

We all have times when we feel vulnersble because we are human beings. It is clear to me that it matters to you that I feel comfortable to express vulnerability. I have noted this and can see why it is important as part of a supportive workplace culture - something I value. I certainly want to continue to support my colleagues whenever needed. Yet true vulnerability must be genuinely felt and expressed in a way that the individual is comfortable with. This is important too.'

Op Keep Calm and Carry On

I have found that some people thrive when they work under pressure & with tight deadlines. So there is no requirement for you to change your status quo. You have not done anyrhing wrong.

However, your manager seems to be struggling & perhaps has a different personality & work ethic.

I have never heard of anyone being requested to be "more vulnerable at work".
However, I have seen people cry.

I agree with other posters, be careful what information professional & private that you share with your manager.

You would say this to your manager? Cool if you have that relationship, I guess, but not everyone enjoys that level of leeway.

I also refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with crying at work, at least from time to time, because we are human. Professionalism means different things in different contexts, of course, and there are jobs, or aspects of jobs, where crying would be inappropriate or even damaging. (I would argue personally that this partly what toilet cubicles, walks around the block at lunchtime, our own parked cars and workplace friends with their own offices are for!). Looking down on someone for feeling and expressing painful emotions is the sort of shitty attitude that leads people to internalise pain as shame and self-hatred.

BUT... the idea that someone should have to cry / show strong emotion at work to prove they are human, to prove that they care or to make other people feel validated in their own emotions is absolutely ridiculous.

Do you work for a religious organisation, a hospital, maternity ward, care home, funeral home or hospice? If so, I would expect crying to happen at work sometimes, but otherwise not. As for taking time off because you were overrun, that should be when she should work more. Oh

Encouraging your team-members to cry in the work place is bonkers.

Please ask her if she would prefer you to cry with other team members, as a sort of team bonding, or whether it is strictly something she'd like to watch you do on your own.

How much crying is sufficient?
So many questions.

On the subject of unions - there is always a union you can join, even if it's not recognised in the workplace. The TUC website has a union finder tool.

A union doesn't have to be recognised by the employer unless over a certain percentage of staff are members. Thus means the union isn't involved with collective pay discussions and can't call for a strike. But they absolutely can give you advice and can support you if you have a grievance or disciplinary process to go through, or redundancy or the like. They can provide a union rep from the union Head office if there isn't one at your workplace, so when you're in a formal meeting where you're allowed to bring someone with you, they can fulfill that role.

😂

“I’m really sorry , but I’m going to need you to cry more. We all here, find our jobs really stressful and horrendous at times, so much so that we actually go home and we let it all pour out but you don’t do that and it’s such an odd response. You need to find your job more emotionally distressing that it causes your eyes to leak”

Yeah. No. This is a fever dream situation.
How in the world is any of what she’s told you, a valid expectation!! Who wants a job that makes you cry and is expected to make you cry, and you better cry when it does 😳

I bet the only staff member who feels uncomfortable in your presence is her. I would document every single comment re one night stands and what happened when she cried and you didn’t. Sounds like she is vulnerable and your professionalism is showing her up. She can’t dictate how you feel or react in any situation unless it is unprofessional or affecting your performance. I would take your notes to HR and let them know that the only feedback she is giving you has no bearing on your performance and you want this noted for your future performance reviews

She sounds awful. She is probably struggling and feels threatened because you are calm.

I’d say this is her own thing, you laugh off stress while she gets too stressed. Potentially you laughing stresses her out more but it’s as likely that she looks worse because you’re handling it all and she’s not. Definitely don’t cry in work!!!!!

Completely unprofessional from your manager. I would speak to HR.

^This.
Especially the over-sharing of her ONS.

I don't understand why she wants you to cry? She sounds out of her depth and threatened by somebody competent (YOU).

Why the hell did she sign herself off when the going got tough? Imagine if your whole department did that? It has to be the most rediculous response to being given some extra work that I've heard of.
🤯🤷🏻‍♀️