AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

You seem completely lacking in empathy for a woman whose husband (presumably) didn’t want to live with her and their children any more, and is now all loved up with a new woman and a new baby. Can you really not understand how she feels, now it seems that her children prefer to be with the new woman too?

What exactly do you want her to do differently? Stop being upset that her children don’t want to spend their evenings with her? Encourage them to spend more time with their father's new family? Your protestations of "surely the children come first" strike a sour note with me, and sound uncomfortably like virtue-signalling. And no, I’m not a "first wife".

So the kids are barely seeing their mum and she is missing them and wants to spend time with them and you are unhappy she misses her kids and wants to enjoy spending time with them?

Sounds like she rarely gets to see her kids in an evening and would like to spend some time with them herself.....

That is not about her not accepting you are a family that is you not accepting that she still wants to spend time with her own kids and is unhappy at not being able to see them often....

@Janetwin oh yeah, close family and siblings are great. 12/13 with a range of mothers…. Not so much, eh.. maybe the inheritance was the only thing he thought he was getting from this sexually incontinent specimen. Youre sure as hell not getting quality time when your father is shared between 12+ kids.

I think most people would like to only be married once. I know I wouldn’t want to be married more than once but also can understand that life happens you cannot guarantee anything. I’m also not bothered by people married more than once I have friends whose first marriages did not work out for various reasons and they go remarried. I also wouldn’t judge any of my friends if they were on their 3rd marriage it has nothing to do with me. I’m not religious I don’t really care each of their own.

That's exactly what I was about to post.

You and your DH can perfectly easily say ''it's your mum's time with you, and much as we love to see you, she must be missing out on time with you"

You say “no, Tuesdays are your mums night. We let you come in Monday because we know the new baby is exciting, but your mum misses you and we have to be kind and fair to her. Baby will still be here tomorrow and you can help me bath them then”

parenting is about sometimes saying no and putting in boundaries.

Did you actually want them there all the time at half term? I'd have thought it would be a bit of a pain having to cater for two extra people all the time and you could reasonably have said to them that they could only come on their usual days.

From their mum's point of view, she is probably being expected to do all the work like washing their stuff, cleaning their rooms, making them do homework etc, and you are providing the fun venue with cute baby as added incentive. It must be quite lonely for her so a bit of co-operation would surely not go amiss.

If that's what you mean about making your family smaller - of course you should tell the older children they can't come on their mum's time! If they say they prefer it at yours or whatever, that is a great opportunity to have a discussion with them about how they are making their poor mum feel

Well if all you are expecting is politeness, what are you wanting?

Maybe message her and instruct her to be delighted for you?

I always sense in these "jealous ex" threads a rather unpleasant undertone of crowing. As a pp said, it might be you one day with your cute son round at your DH's next family base.

OP it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. Your feelings are valid too. The ex wife is jealous and that is all it comes down to!

Unfortunately on mumsnet second wives/step mums are always evil and in the wrong. They’re worse than child murderers to 99% of the people on here 😂

You can’t win. If the children like you, you’re wrong. If they don’t like you, your wrong. Nobody actually acknowledges how incredible most step mums, like you, are. How we give up our time and resources to care for somebody else’s child. Your step children are lucky to have you.

You can't demand someone just accepts a situation, for all you know the ex wife still loves your husband, the idea she is unhappy is unfortunate but inevitable- you can't insist she just accepts it because it is more convenient for you.

Yes that's a good point. If op wants to show care for their mum she could start with that

Ouch. Her kids are coming to your house instead of home to their mum, almost every day, even on the days they're supposed to be at hers?!

You and your husband need to tell the kids that they can't come over the nights they're supposed to be with their mum, and certainly not almost every night.
I think you have to try and imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

The kids are excited but just like I'm sure she's insisted the kids go to you, you must insist the same. That is a really really basic co-parenting agreement. I imagine the kids will have had times they didn't want to go to their dad's and she will have insisted because it's the right thing to do.

"It's so nice you want to see your baby brother so much, it's so exciting being a big sister but it's your night with your mum, so we'll see you tomorrow/Friday/weekend. I'll take some photos of him this evening and show you when you come over."

You are intruding on her time with the kids. I'm sure if she bought them a flashy new toy they would likewise want to be at mum's every day, but it would be wrong to allow them to do so.
If you really want her to move forward quickly, then stop taking her time with her kids!

I do understand but also believe it’s just novelty. They’ll get sick of the baby at them moment it’s like having something new then you bored. That’s all it’s nothing personal to her but I think she’s taking it personal but I don’t believe they’re like that. She has spoken to their father and we are trying but also I’m not sure what more he can do when they’re at their mums and texting and calling him to ask to come over or ask what we are up to with the baby today etc they’re just interested. They’re all out with their father now doing activities that aren’t baby related so it’s also not just about baby they also want to spend time with their father.

I don't care how many times people get married but I do think people (usually men) starting second (and sometimes third!) families is hugely unfair to the original children

You are missing the point that she is allowing them to stop going to their mum's when it's their mum's night.

Its pretty simple - you say no and have a discussion about the effect their behaviour is having on their mum

Yeah I’ve noticed that from this post. It’s quite confusing. Damned if you do damned if you don’t. I don’t go out of my way to meet a man with children it just happened to be that way and 5 years later it’s going well. If I’m happy apparently that’s gloating. Am I supposed to be miserable? Are the children supposed to hate me surely that would be worse for everyone involved.

It’s quite common for the new wife/partner to try to assert and prove she is now part of the family. It sounds like you’re looking for validation still. It must have been hard spending 5 years observing the person you love and their ex raising children while you weren’t as ‘official’. Congratulations on your baby, house, and marriage! It’s a lovely time (just like it was for her once). Try and be kind to each other - not catty.

Personally I would ignore .
my step sons are all adults now but still at home with their mum. They are 25 and 19 and when we announced our latest baby ( we have 2 together) his ex was upset . We could see his youngest reaction to his mum and it made me upset that she was upsetting her own children . The boys were good with it . They are very good with their siblings . But the youngest has told me on occasion that she seemed bothered . Because he was very outgoing about it I asked him if it upset him and he said yes and no , yes because he can’t understand why she is upset but hate seeing her upset , no because he loves seeing his dad and me happy .
She also told them we now have no money to spend on them , because we took a single break to Disneyland without taking them ( we have take them before and this was during a time the oldest was working and the youngest was at school ) we I’ll go gain and the kids know this and have no issues with it but she still used it against us 🤷🏻‍♀️. Nothing monetary changed , hubby still pays child support despite not being obligated , we still get them the same gifts and still pay their travelling etc .
I can’t grasp her behaviour myself , she cheated on him and left him over 11 years ago , we have been together 7 years married 2 .
I think she is jealous because we prospered and have a better quality of life .I just ignore it and pretend it’s doesn’t happen . I celebrate my children with my step kids and nothing will change that

I’m not missing any point, it’s the exact point I’m making. She’s not forcing the children to do anything, they are making a choice. And a choice because of how welcome she must make them feel. The second she/her DH tells them they can’t come she’ll be accused of abandoning them and replacing them with a new baby.

Unfortunately on mumsnet second wives/step mums are always evil and in the wrong. They’re worse than child murderers to 99% of the people on here 😂

That's the sound of someone with their fingers in their ears shouting "la, la,la can't hear you."

It is by no means true that second wives are always in the wrong on here. Posters have explained why they think the OP is.

Oh my days. You really have had a complete empathy bypass haven’t you, op??

Mumsnet is always faint second wife’s , even when the first ones where awful , they also don’t like step parents , even when the step kids love them. just ignore ? Live your life . You seem to be doing well . She is probably just jealous the boys love being at yours but hopefully she realises as their mum their love will never change .

Not allowing ? They’re old enough to turn up at our door without even giving us notice and we’ve had a discussion with them about. I’m sorry but if they turn up at ours after school instead of going home we let them come in then we drive them home. We aren’t going to make them stand outside in the cold. They’ve turned up when their father isn’t even home I’m still on maternity so I’m home quite a bit. I’m not going to let them stand in the cold whilst I get baby ready to leave the house to drop them off. I’m still getting used to having a baby I can’t just open the door and leave to drive them home just like that without notice.