AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

I think there is a different perspective on why they want to be around a lot..it isn't that they are so keen on the baby and desperate to see them, rather they are making their presence known so their dad doesn't forget about his first children.
I think you saying they really want to see the baby, like spending time in your house is more a case of marking their territory..he was our dad first!

Has anyone considered that the older children are anxious about losing their relationship with their father.
They want to be there so he doesnt just devote his time to the cute new addition and begin to think they are superfluous. ( Not saying he would)
Seems obvious to me... They sense the new family unit you have created and they want to be included. They know mum isn't going anywhere so she can be taken for granted.
This is all pretty subconscious I would have thought.

I wouldn’t even know how I’d go about that in don’t think she’d want that either it’s been five years I think if we were ever going to have somewhat of a relationship it would happened. One poster even suggested I ask her to meet the baby ahaha I don’t think that’s the solution here. I think it’ll make things worse.

Fair enough no one’s stopping them from spending time with their father. They have one or one time with him all the time. Even today they have one to one time with him.

They’ve always had time with him and that’s not going to change he’s always going to be their father and has consistently put them first maybe in the wrong ways but he’s always tried and will continue to try and get it wrong many times. Either way they know their father loves them he’s not going anywhere.

But YOU started the post suggesting that this woman needs to just get on with it, accept the new normal and maybe even be happy for you ????
And you DO sound smug.
Of course the teens would like to come round and see the baby . And they get time with their dad .
But you guys need to draw the line here and set some boundaries . What they are doing to their mum is awful . Of course she feels sad/ angry .
As mentioned , it coudl be you in the future. 5 years is a pretty short relationship .
Personally feel we get one chance at having kids . And as much as we might like to go on and have kids with someone new, I think it's a no no. In my opinion it NEVER works for the first family .

I think that’s an excellent point. Teenagers aren’t generally that besotted with a new baby half-sibling. It would make total sense that they’re trying to incorporate themselves into their father’s new family.

Wow. You’re an ex wife aren’t you? “All these children” - they’ve had ONE, and talk of maybe having another further down the line… you sound bitter.

You're delusional if you think a baby half sibling hasn't changed things.

Maybe not though hence why they are spending extra time round your house.

As others say your post has come across as rather smug and self absorbed, as if you think the children prefer you, the baby and your DH. But as I have suggested the reality may be that they couldn't care less about you and the baby and just want reassurance from their dad that he is there for them - which as you have pointed out he has been doing things with them all day, thus satisfying them that they are the priority.

I don’t know why you think you can or should police her feelings

Get on with your life & leave her to move forward when she’s ready

Op ignore the “ we hate the new wife brigade “ some first wife’s really seem to hold a grudge , even when people have done nothing wrong .
As I said before I had the same myself and my husbands ex is anything but good , she cheated on him , took the kids to live with someone they never even meet before . And when I out w post a while back I was till told I was bad for us having children together . My husband is a wonderful dad who supports his kids and even his step child ( from his previous wife ) and people will still blame the new wife 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s mind boggling

What exactly is he upset about?

And are you planning to take any of the advice offered by pp?

Op, I don't think you come across as gloating at all on this thread and I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Youre correct as teenagers they can choose which parents they want to be at. Shel need to deal with. Me and both my brothers moved to our dad's as soon as we were teens. Because it was a betting environment. Making teenagers stay at a parents house more than they want to and turning them away would be ridiculous.

I haven’t said it hasn’t changed things ? We know it has and there’s more to come. We didn’t just decide to have a baby and maybe another without talking it through.

Your post shows a complete lack of empathy or emotional intelligence. I agree with those that say it sounds like you’re gloating.