AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

What do you mean by noticeably upset?
Do you have some specific examples?

Her feelings are her feelings and you have no right to dictate how she should feel / react. As long as she doesn't use her children as weapons and become difficult in that respect, it's not your concern.

Have you put time into building a relationship with her? That would be the best thing for the children. Instead of grumbling about her on the internet.

From the ex pov she probably is feeling a bit left out/ jealous if the kids are fussing over the new baby. Do they want to spend more time with you than they used to?
I think her feelings are valid, but equally you don’t need to hide your child. Just carry on with how things were, don’t change pre established contact arrangements etc.

Fair enough

You haven’t explained what she’s done that has upset you.

I assume your husband can afford all these new children without any financial detriment to the original ones? I assume he's going to do the decent thing and not drop the amount of maintenance he pays? And not reduce the amount he contributes on top of maintenance for things like school trips, pocket money etc.

Because I am all for supporting a blended family but not when the dad and his new partner pop out babies without a thought for the impact (financial, time etc) on the original children

What is she actually doing that indicates she has a problem with it? It's all a bit vague

What? OP doesn't need to build a relationship with her husband's ex wife. It's fine to be polite and courteous with each other.

They’ve wanted to spend more time at ours than at their mums but with this stuff I think the novelty will wear of. Our son is still very little and cute he won’t stay little forever.

They’re in their teens it’s up to them what they want to do. I just feel as though it’s a good thing that they want to get to know their sibling. I wasn’t married before and haven’t had any children till now so I might not understand how she sees things because it’s different experiences but I believe the children should come first.

I think you're a little wrapped up in your own loved up baby bubble to think about a discarded family. She was that family. He discarded her and moved on. Of course its going to hurt. Try not to be unpleasant about your 'win'. It could one day be you in her position.

What exactly is she doing? She can feel however she wants but all of you need to try to not let any negative feelings affect your DSC.

I was all set to be positive about my ex's new baby, and I was. Until my children pointed out that (although they hide it from their dad) they don't feel that way at all

• their dad has much less money to spend on them
• their dad CBA to do all the fun things they used to do with him
• family life at dads house rotates around the baby now
• their step mum always puts the babies needs first (well, baby is 5 now but the point still stands)

What do you mean ?

I am polite to her and have always been polite. We aren’t going to be best friends but we are also not enemies. We don’t really have much in common and that’s okay. I love her children and they’re happy spending time here even when their father isn’t here. I think all I need to do is be polite and normal aha I also don’t know what you mean by “have you put time”

I assume if the children come first that they aren't financially impacted in any way then? That he didn't rush off to CMS to drop his payments the minute you popped the baby out?

'Pops out babies' is a horribly misogynistic term I haven't heard for decades, thank goodness.

YANBU OP, in that she'll have to get over it and I'm sure she will eventually.

It's pointed at the dad as much as the new partner. I have a lot of disdain for men who move on and start new families without caring for the financial impact on their existing children. Rightly so.

That’s a shame. I don’t believe their father has less money for them as far as I can tell.
Even as I type this he’s with them doing activities they’ve always done even before I came along. They’re here for the weekend and have done lots of things not associated with the baby and they’re the ones that want baby to wake up, they want to help give them baby milk, constantly want to hold the baby, they’re just happy. Hopefully if they had any issues they’d feel comfortable enough to speak to their father about it. They’re very close to their father and the mum hasn’t said anything that the boys have said to her about the dynamic. There’s only so much I can do if I don’t know then how can I act on it? I feel as though if they felt that way, they wouldn’t want to come so often even after school when they’re supposed to be at their mums they want to come here for the evening to eat with us and see baby.

I've yet to see a man 'pop' one out but ok.

Agree with others, your OP describes your own situation but doesn't say what she's done/said that you take issue with. Were you "the other woman" when his relationship with her broke down or did you meet after they were fully separated? Did she hope that he might come back to her? Does he provide a sensible amount of financial support for the time when the kids are with her? Did her career and earning power take such a hit during her childbearing years that this sacrifice is still having a knock on effect today that she should be supported for? Does he actively put the childrens best interests first? Does he take a fair share of the emotional and management load of dealing with shoe fittings, eye tests and dentists and after school clubs and birthday parties? How much of this load does he actually do himself rather than passing to you? It's impossible to say whether or not you are unreasonable on the basis of the info in your post, and that itself makes you unreasonable.

They have all their trusts I don’t think my child will be stealing their siblings trust. Trusts that were made in their names before I even met their father. They’ve still got all their savings. I think my husbands finances are the least of his worries at the moment.

This.

There’s a lot of triggered ex-wives on this thread 😂

Love the presumption even though it was never even mentioned that the father now has less money to spend on his existing children, or that he’s suddenly going to pay less maintenance.

If you have a relationship break up with children involved its highly unwise to assume that the non resident parent will remain single/employed/on good health/whatever

Having managed to wreck her divorce settlement by moving a man in then having a baby with him before assaulting him in public so he left, my ex then had a fit of the vapours when my now wife moved in and we started a family together at just the point where she though there might be some more money coming her way following my mothers death.

@QuirkyRoseLion the pp means has your husband been paying adequate CMS for his previous children; the monthly maintenance payments made to their mother. It’s not about their own savings in the children’s names.