AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

I don’t really understand what she has done wrong or why you think you should pretend the baby doesn’t exist?

How do you know he did that ? The op hasn’t mention the reason for their divorce . But most divorces are started by women so this is often a misconception

I think it’s more complex than ExW not accepting that you’re now a family. He’s said that she feels pushed out by her children - that’s not her being upset at your new relationship/family. She feels rejected by her daughters at the moment and that will feel awful and be incredibly upsetting and is a completely natural reaction. On top of this, there’s the usual hormonal teenage girl crap so the ex may well be having an utterly shitty time all around at the moment.

As others have said, you can’t control how she feels or how you think that she should feel. You can control your own reactions here and I would suggest a little more compassion.

I assume OP means that OP's kids are part of this new family, and OP should be allowed to rub it in the ex's face and ex is supposed to be happy?
It's all a bit strange.

None of this sounds like a particularly big deal. She’s processing her feelings. You’re being a bit melodramatic.

Is your DH older?

I'm sorry, but you are sounding less and less empathetic with each post you make.

Also, you’ve definitely posted about this before.

It may be she sees his life moving on. Does she have a new partner or any possibility of more children? And now her children prefer to be at your house with your new baby which must be upsetting. I am quite surprised teenagers want to hang out with a young baby that much. It's nice that you fully accept his children but the ex is still their mother so watch the boundaries.

I know OP has said it’s not about finances and the older two kids are well looked after but people are funny about these things. I knew a guy at university from a well off family. His father had 12 kids, mostly with second and third partners. Every time a new (half) sibling arrived, he would dryly quip about more of his future inheritance being chipped off. I was kinda shocked at the time and still think it’s such a sad way to look at things as close family and siblings are more valuable that money. I do hope your (step) kids never develop that attitude and hope that your DP’s ex is not saying anything like that to / in front of them.

We’ve told the children no plenty of times and they said they’ve rather come here. It’s only a phase for the time being. It’s not as though we are the ones asking them it is just their choice and we have said no plenty of times. Half terms they wanted to spend almost all their time here albeit it’s chaos at the moment with a baby. We have explained to them and they say they’ve rather prefer it here I’m not sure how to respond to that.

You don’t seem to be understanding the impact on her at all. It doesn’t matter WHY they are coming over or whether they are doing it to hurt their mum or not. She is afraid of her kids drifting away from her.

How would you feel if you could suddenly only see your lovely little baby a few times a week (if that is what is happening)? Oh, and the baby might not be available depending on circumstances so you’ll just have to deal…. I’m guessing you’d be pretty devastated?

Yes. I mean, why is it so hard to understand why your DH’s ex-wife is less than thrilled to be seeing less of her children?

I don't see why anybody should be obliged to feel the way you think they should. You're not one family. You're a split family.

It’s not your fault they want to come and see the baby…but it isn’t her’s that she feels abandoned and pushed out. I think you could stand to be a bit more magnanimous and compassionate and see it from her perspective. look at your baby and realise how much it would hurt if he suddenly pushed you aside. So yes, i agree she needs to accept it, but that doesn’t mean she’s not also entitled to feel sad.

It doesn’t sound as if she’s done much more than complain about changes to their usual schedule.

It will be frustrating if she has plans and arrangements and their father is happy to upend that.

You've mentioned the misogyny a few times. What do you mean? What misogyny?

Also, when asked about his financial commitment continuing you stated twice that he continues to contribute to their trusts and savings. You have not said at all that he contributes to their day-to-day living costs via maintenance at the same level, or at all.

How long have you been married?

That’s quite sad. I think with the bare trust the way you withdraw money is quite different he can’t just withdraw into his bank account just like that but it’s locked till a certain age. His children’s savings are theirs forever no one is taking their savings from them.

Well that was the original idea of marriage

I’d be annoyed if my dc were going to someone else’s house every night, it would completely disrupt our routine. Their father should be parenting with his ex wife.

She shouldn't be rude to you or your baby but you can't police her own feelings. She'd like to see her kids more and it's understandable she'd feel a bit put out that they're off to their Dad's all the time. The mature thing is to discuss the situation with her coparent which is what she has done. I'm not seeing what she's done wrong to be honest.

I’ve not suggested you are buying them vapes, but I’m am suggesting the approach
they're are able to make their own decisions on who they want to see etc.

isn’t something a mum is going to want to have said to her teens because they can’t do what they want, you are only happy with this approach because it is in your interests.

Teenager make bad decisions all the time, so the attitude of they can do what they like when they like isn’t going to be met with approval.

I didn’t see that sorry.

They are under 18 he contributes to them daily, school fees, hockey club, new clothes, food shop etc I don’t think that’s the issue. I believe if he wasn’t contributing enough she would say/should say. He’s not not going to support his children.

I said misogyny because of some of the earlier comments and some posters did see what I meant. You don’t have to it’s not a dictatorship we can all have different perspectives.

I can understand why she’s upset! Do you really not get it?! I think you do but are choosing to act a bit dumb!

My divorce was started by me moving out. But boy did I feel angry when he moved his new girlfriend into what was once my house. One reason for that was because he was refusing to either sell the house or pay me half the equity as punishment for daring to leave him. He also refused to hand over half the joint savings. It took me 3 years to get some of what I was entitled to.
Women don’t tend to leave husbands if they are great husbands.