AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

Why do you find it amusing? Many ex wives may have been totally screwed over by their exes. Is that something to laugh about?

What is she actually doing op?

How do you know he doesn’t care for his children financially ? I don’t get why you need to be misogynistic as well as make assumptions. Maybe my posh isn’t something you should engage with if you already have this type of disdain without knowing us or our situation just going off assumptions instead of asking. Fortunately we are both very privileged his children are not going to lose out of anything because of a new sibling and finances is the least of my husbands worries. Considering he puts money into his children savings account every month & their trusts are still there, no one’s dipping into any of children’s savings accounts.

What precisely has she done that makes you think this way about her?

Need more information. You seem to think she’s upset. How do you know?

@QuirkyRoseLion you still haven't explained what it is she's done that you think is a problem.

What do you mean by noticeabley upset? Examples?

How is this noticeable upset being a tangible problem in your home?

Look I’m not here to trigger people. I don’t get the misogyny . Everyone wants their marriage to work out sadly his first marriage did not work out, is he suppose to never marry again are you only allowed to marry once ?

You haven't explained what form her being "noticeably upset" takes.

It's possible that it's not about you and your baby per se, but more about the fact she's seeing less of her children because of your baby's arrival. It's impacting on her time with them. And yes, you're probably right there's an element of novelty value and they will stop wanting to come over to you so often, but at the moment she's getting to spend less time with her kids. I think that's perfectly understandable if the case, but unless she's on your doorstep in tears about it or otherwise making life difficult i honestly think her feelings are her business.

Why are you not answering when people are asking what she’s actually doing?

This!

Without any concrete examples or evidence it sounds like perhaps you are the problem. Did you expect the ex to suddenly be gushing with excitement about the new baby and she's just carried on as usual?

How old is the baby? I expect with teens the novelty will wear off quickly.

What do you mean when you say that she needs to accept you are now “one family”?

You aren’t one family; she is not your family. She has her own family, with her own children (and ex husband). You have your own family, with your husband, baby and step children.

It’s wonderful that your step children are happy to be around you and appear to like the baby. I hope that continues. Your husband’s ex wife doesn’t have to be jumping for joy about it, and I don’t really understand why you care what she thinks unless she is making life difficult for you. Equally, if she fell pregnant, your DH might not relish that.

@QuirkyRoseLion unless you answer what the ex is doing or saying then you run the risk of being just another shit stirring new wife. Which is not a good look however you try to spin it.

How are the ex wife's feelings impacting on you at all?
You haven't explained that.

She has tried to stop the children from coming over after school albeit that’s what they want to do. They want to see their siblings. She has told my husband that ever since we had the baby it’s as though she doesn’t exist to her children. He has said to her the novelty won’t last. Baby isn’t going to be a baby forever they’re just smitten by him at the moment and it could just be a phase. She said she is upset because most evenings they want to come over to see baby and have dinner with us, that’s not something we can control we haven’t asked them to come over on evenings where they’re supposed to be at their mums, that’s has been solely their choice.

Presumptions based on a fairly common (sadly) experience.

Your laughing emoji tells us everything we need to know, BTW..

The OP didn't screw them over though.

I'm assuming it's the projection onto the OP that the PP finds amusing.

She has tried to stop the children from coming over after school albeit that’s what they want to do.

Homework? If they are in their teens then studying and homework is very important right now. I would be stopping it too especially in gcse years.

Exactly - forget about trusts and savings. Is he giving their mother money for their upkeep, presuming they have been staying more with her, until recently?

Exactly this.

You’re refusing to say exactly why you suspect that she’s less than happy. Is it just that you’re projecting how you think you would feel in the same position, and may even be secretly pleased if she is envious of your new family bubble?

You should set out boundaries of when the children can come over, their routines must be all over the place if they want to come after school and most evenings.

I have been in your position and I was sympathetic to you at the start...but you also have to see it from his first wife's point of view.

wonder as happened with my ExW that with a partner and new family on the scene she has lost whatever control she had over her ex husband?

What do you mean by 'accept we are all one family now' in your title? Who do you think is one family?

What do you want us to say? She's a big meanie and a bad mother for not putting her children first and the feelings police should come and give her a stern talking to?

Look at your lovely baby and think about how much you love them and how much you love your husband. Now imagine a time when you are split up, he is off with another woman and has another baby and your child - that baby you adore - wants to spend more time with them than they do with you. Prefers their house to yours. How do you think you would feel? If your answer is a pious "I'd simply be happy for the children" then you aren't imagining very well.

That's how she feels. of course she should be and I hope is glad that her children's dad's new family has room for her children too (not always a given so she may not have taken that for granted), of course she is glad - or should be - that they are part of that. But no one really wants their children to be part of a new family and prefer it. Surely you can see that.