AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

That would be upsetting for her. I think everyone just needs time to get used to a new family dynamic. It’s not easy for any of you. Lovely to have a new baby in the family, though.

So the kids are constantly coming over to your place, every day even when it's not your designated time. it's like you have effaced her role as mother & primary parent of her own children.
She is hurting badly. I am not saying it's your fault, but you should feel empathy for her, alone. While you are 5 people in your comfy smug bubble

Her, dh, their baby and dh’s children. I don’t think the ex is included!

But why under this post ? I’m not sure where he abandoned his responsibilities considering his children want to see him all the time and he’s very close to his children. Even before I met him that was one of the first things he said to me on like our 5th time seeing each other was that he has children and he comes with children I either accept that or we don’t move forward. I accepted it and have bonded his children it’s been 5 years now they’re part of my life too and I care about them a lot. We didn’t have children to screw them over and clearly they don’t think, they’re not babies, I didn’t even meet them as babies
, they're are able to make their own decisions on who they want to see etc.

We don’t know that he “discarded her” she may have left

and leaving a relationship, when done respectfully, is not discarding someone …

And that’s being said by a first wife who was left.

Ok from your updates I stand by my original comments. The ex feels pushed out/ side lined. The teens are old enough to make their own decisions but the mum can still feel hurt that her children are choosing to go and spend time with the baby over being with her. Your dh needs to work with his ex here by setting some normal boundaries- after school on x, y, z you need to come home (to mums house if that’s her night) to do homework, chores, go to clubs etc.
I think you’re wrapped up in your baby bubble and are loving that the older kids take an interest in the baby but you need to look at the wider picture.

Did he leave her for you? This is very important in how she feels

We can believe all we like that others ‘ need’ to have convenient responses that suit us. Being human is messier than Instagram though, isn’t it.

It sounds like she's upset and has voiced that. But she hasn't actually done anything. The novelty of the new baby will wear off to some extent for the older siblings and her feelings will fade somewhat, so I think just wait it out.

If I've got this right the older kids are teens so it probably stings a bit that your H has moved on and had a second family with a younger(?) partner and that isn't an option for her. I think i might feel the same however reasonable or unreasonable that might be, although I expect the feelings would wear off over time.

Not really the point of the thread but I think the kids are all boys? That's actually really nice that teen lads are excited and happy about a little baby brother, awww.

Op you mentioned this

They’re in their teens it’s up to them what they want to do.

My ex says this. It’s up to them to do what they want. But that isn’t really true, teenagers can be quite black and white. Ex is fine with them doing what they want when it’s in his interests, but what about when they want to go out till all hours with their mates, or not go to school. It then isn’t ok for them to do what they want, and funnily enough, he’s now nowhere to be seen.

Maybe ex is worried she will have to be the enforcer. I would say Shes probably feeling pushed out, rightly or wrongly. Imagine another women with your son and dh. Just leave her be for a bit, as long as she’s pleasant. That’s all you can ask

Here you said it again.. they're are able to make their own decisions on who they want to see etc.

Are they, you’re happy as its stands because it’s suits you, what about/how would dh feel in a few months time if they turn round and say they don’t want to see him. I’m sure he’d mention it to the ex

What @Pallisers said. It’s devestating when your kid chooses to see you less. Have some humility - there is a chance you will be her in a few years’ time.

What @Pallisers said. It’s devestating when your kid chooses to see you less. Have some humility - there is a chance you will be her in a few years’ time.

What she should accept or be upset about is neither here nor there, is it? People have their feelings and they don't always conveniently align with what we'd prefer.
Provided she isn't being obstructive or difficult when it comes to her and your husband's dealings about their children, I'm not sure it's something for you to dwell on.
If your husband is minded to be kind, he could try to allay her fears and make it clear he won't let this new development impinge on her position or relegate her children in his eyes. But the proof of that will be in the pudding.
If you don't overstep with her children and your husband doesn't treat them differently she should in time adjust.
Meanwhile, she isn't really your problem so just get on with your life and leave it to your husband to manage.

Well she is allowed to be upset that her children are spending less time with her. You haven't done anything wrong but a bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss!

I didn’t know him when they divorced. It was a blind date first time we met

Whst do you mean about being all one family in your title? And what do you mean that you dont think you should have to make your family smaller?

I don't think that she has to accept it.

I'm wondering how you are wanting her to act or if there is anything specific she's doing wrong?

If DH and I separated and I was heartbroken over it, then I imagine I would be devastated if he had another child with someone else.
For lots of people the length of time wouldn't change how they feel about it.

That said, she can be upset but she is not allowed to be unkind to you or the baby.

I think you have to have some compassion here. Her kids now have a sibling which isn't her own, that must be hard to swallow. It's unreasonable to expect her to be okay with it straight away.
A lot of people are sad when relationships end, even if they were unhappy, simply because they feel they failed and are back to square one in the race of life. Seeing her ex now having a new family will make her feel even more like a failure, even if she is completely over him.

Sorry if you've already said, but has she found anyone new herself?

Also likely if she moves on she is too old to have another child with a new partner whereas your partner can keep going and I wonder if that's also part of it? She'll only ever have kids with someone she's no longer with whereas he can create a whole new family.

If you can try to find some empathy for her. She is hurting. She must be feeling like she is losing her children and feeling excluded and rejected. These are her feelings. It is not your fault and hopefully she can work through this but if there’s anything you can do or say to reassure her then do. I know your husband has told her it won’t last forever. If the children are old enough to understand, maybe your husband could ask them to give their mum an extra hug when they get home. I am trying to project myself into how she must be feeling and what she may need.

Yes you can control it. You (or should I say your DH) can remind them what nights they can come round for dinner. Maybe their mum has shopped for meals that they’re not turning up for. Maybe she wants to spend some time with them. Maybe she’s fed up of them changing plans at the last minute.

We aren’t letting them do what they want. Teens could be up to anything, vaping etc but they choose to come see their sibling. It’s not like my husband is buying them cigarettes and alcohol he’s simply letting them come see their sibling when they ask. Which at the moment is almost everyday. They could be doing worse things with their time. Instead they want to come here and they’re supervised it’s not as though they’re babysitting. I do understand why she might be upset but also I believe the novelty will wear off and the baby won’t be a second thought to them. They’re just excited to have little baby to hold that’s all I don’t think it’s to upset their mother.

Ok it took you quite some tine tI explain the issue, I see no problem with any of this. It’s normal feelings,

dial down the drama, you’re not in competition with her op, there is no need for your drama, angst or gloating.

If they have an arrangement where the children spend a certain number of nights with mum and a certain number with dad the parents should do their best to make that happen. Whilst the kids should have a choice, if they want to spend every evening with you, their father should be telling them mum misses them and they should go back to hers and they can see baby the next night.

I don’t see the difference in encouraging the children away with a baby, an new puppy or a car. I think she’s right to be upset.

It isn’t that she’s upset about your new baby or she needs to move on. She’s sad your encouraging her children to spend less time with her

I can see exactly what she's upset about and honestly? I think you're adopting a butter wouldn't melt in my mouth approach. It's almost like covert triumph that you win and she loses.
If she's pissed off about not seeing her children so much then there's scope for you to say "ah that must be really hard for you". Because it is.
The "I can't help it if they choose our house" and the "is a man not entitled to move on?" are poor disguises for your triumph.

not gloating at all. I’ve said the novelty wears off it’s a new baby i remember having a little brother I was obsessed with him then I got bored but I had to live with him 24/7 aha

I don’t think you understand the meaning of the term ‘misogyny.’