AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

You need to have a bit more empathy OP. Imagine if your baby didn't want to spend time with you. You wouldn't like it either.
She hasn't done anythjng to you, and she is allowed to feel things about her own family. You are not the main character.

It doesn’t sound like the children’s mother has done anything wrong, expressing that she feels a bit put out due to less time with her children is natural. After more time as a mother, who has to navigate a long term relationship with children you will understand this more.
give her a break, and maybe consider yourself, why her totally natural feelings are so threatening to you?

OP, your thread title is "AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family."

However, what you're complaining about doesn't remotely suggest the two teenagers' mother doesn't "accept" that you are "now one family" and I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this.

Many pp have stated that the boys' mother is upset because her two children don't want to be at home with her when the custody arrangement says they should, preferring instead to be at your/their father's house. You seemed to want ideas as to how to remedy the situation - the only way that stops this woman continuing to be upset is if their father and you talk to them about how hurtful their actions are to their mother and re-set boundaries on where they should be and when.

You seem to think that you/their father cannot say to them "Now lads, you know you should be with your mum, off you go, we'll see you at the weekend..." Yes, you CAN.

I don’t think you really do understand. I’m just getting divorced and I feel upset when my sons would rather spend time with their dad than me. They’re adults and I’d never say anything but it IS painful. I don’t think you can stop them from wanting to come round but you both could have a little empathy and show it to her.

It wouldn’t take much to explain to the boys that anyone would feel a bit lost and abandoned when the whole of their family has decamped to another orbit which clearly seems more fun and exciting than yours. It’s hard for an older woman to seem like the fun party, especially for boys when competing with their dad and a younger family. Instead you’re just dismissing that airily with saying it’s only temporary as if that’s the point.

I’m reaching here but wondering whether their mum did all the grunt work when they were little in which case it would sting a bit more that he gets to reap all the benefits now they are older and more interesting? Either way you don’t have to stop them coming round but it would be the kind thing to do to explain that they should try and make a fuss of their mum and make her feel important and why. Even if it’s occasionally suggesting fun family things they could arrange just with her. It wouldn’t cost you or the boys anything but would be the kind thing to do.

Just imagine how you would feel if your husband left you in ten years time and then five years after that he had a new family and everyone wanted to spend the time with them, leaving you clearing up the house and doing their washing. If you’re really honest you wouldn’t just brush that away easily unless you’re a very emotionless person.

Absolutely hands down this

Unfortunately, teenagers can choose where they want to spend their time.
If it went to Court, any children over the age of (I think) 12 are asked their views on where they want to stay.

No-one would want to try to force children to be somewhere they didn't want to be - that would lead, at the very least, to resentment, and possibly anxiety/depression/anger, or behavioural issues.

The OP said her DSCs have to do chores at her house, don't have a games console there, have to do their homework, don't get takeaways etc., so it's not that it's an 'anything goes' house.

Yes, it's awful for their mum, but I dont think there's much she can do about it.

I'm going to guess that their mother is there one who parents them, has expectations of their behaviour, and has them doing their share around the house etc. Whereas your house is more laissez-faire and cute baby.

In her position I'd already have been upset that they asked to change the proportion of their time with me. Now this? I'd be devastated. And so would you, OP.

The days were agreed, at their request, but they're not following the agreement. And that needs pointing out to them very firmly.

Just accept that she feels the way she feels and don't write a thread about saying she needs to not feel that way? From what you've written, no one is actually really doing anything wrong here, no one is stopping anyone being anywhere, you just appear to be annoyed that she has emotions about it. Otherwise it is unclear what you are asking tbh.

I think just watching and waiting for now might be a good idea op.

I actually suspect it isn't the novelty of the baby that is seeing them round at yours more so much as the fear of their father moving on and them not being fully integrated. That seems to coincide with them wanting to be around their father more. I am not going to say becoming clingy, because that has negative implications when in fact that reaction from them would be perfectly normal.

But I think taking it at face value that they "want" to be at your place and with their dad more all of a sudden might be skimming over some deeper issues at play.

I would bear that in mind, and be sensitive to the fact that may be how they are feeling. It is good you are allowing them to spend that extra time with him, but I don't agree any of this is about anything their mum needs to change or "accept."

If you really wanted to be kind to her feelings, it probably wouldn't hurt to discuss a new temporary arrangement for visits, stating that the reason may be the dc are needing, at this time, to feel fully integrated into their father's life because as he restarts his fatherhood journey over - recognising that it may be his changed circumstances that have impacted "negatively," rather than implying everything is so wonderful round at yours that she is somehow all sad and bitter and can't accept.

In your OP you say she is BU to not accept you and DH as a family and to be happy for you.

But actually what you mean is her not being upset at all at being rejected by her own children as well as her ex husband.

You say you understand how it must be hurtful, but then say she just needs to accept it? It doesn't sound like she's being unreasonable in the slightest.

If you're so keen for the DC to have a happy nice family life, why can't you help encourage the kids to spend more equal time with her and you, because having an upset and depressed mum won't do them any good either (assuming there's nothing bad happening at home of course).

You mention it's noisy / he can't focus at home, do you know why that is? Is her house small and crowded? Who else lives there?

Well that's odd something must be going on?

In which case the mother is also rightfully picking up on the fact the kids don't want to live with her and barely want to see her and that they are really distancing themselves emotionally from her and her home.
You said your husband has told her it's only because of the baby and the novelty will wear off, but it seems your husband doesn't seem to believe that himself and the mother doesn't, so of course she's upset.

I don't think it would be an easy thing for many mothers to accept, that her kids would prefer to go and live with their dad, and barely see them.

Life is complicated. Definitely have empathy for the exW but also the OP and her DH as well as the DC.

First wives get to create families without these complications. No less tough being a first time Mum as a second W and first time Mum.

OP knew what she was getting into but 5+ years should be enough time for the ex to make peace with everything to the extent a new baby wouldn’t put her up or down, nor her DC bonding with their new sibling.

Aside from the exW everyone else seems to be getting along really well so, maybe it’s just a her problem to assimilate and come to terms with.

And you’re not forced to respond to my comment, out of hundreds. There’s a reason you’re doing it. As there’s a reason you’ve made this dramatic thread about this woman being a bit upset and not actually doing anything. You’re clearly getting off on all this and it’s extremely weird.

I’m now hiding this odd little thread.

This. No one needs a relationship with anyone’s ex. Politeness and courtesy is enough.

Lots of posts lambasting OP to be more empathetic to her DHs ex. Not many saying the ex should understand what it’s like being OP, a new Mum, and accept that the family has expanded and move beyond making what should be a happy time less so due to her not handling her own feelings about the teens enjoying time with their little brother. Understanding should work both ways.

The ex did nothing to bring the OP into her life.

The op stepped into a family knowing the ex was mother of dc already in existence in that family.

Sometimes responsibility does travel in one direction because of the choices we make.

ETA I do grasp that that is a tough reality for a second wife. I also suspect it is why so many second wives post gripes about the first wife and less so vice versa;.

exactly how old are the teens OP?
late or early teens?

what do you think might be happening at the mums house to make them not want to be there?

I haven’t answered the poll because while you a right in theory this must be incredibly hard for her. She probably feels like she is losing her children as well as her husband.

I have teen daughters and they have a tendency to prefer their dad. I find it hard but at least we all live in the same house.

Op has also said that her husband thinks the kids want to live with them permanently and only see their mother a few times a month, so the mother is obviously also rightfully picking up on their distance from her so of course she's going to be very upset, it's not really about the family expanding.

I liked Steph's blouse, but more generally also adore Helen Lewis. Loved their "moment".

Yes, it's very hard to accept, but it happens - it has happened to someone I know.

She has kept calm, told her kids they're always welcome, rings or messages each of them to suggest different activities - keeps the door open without putting pressure on them.

One is spending more time with her now, one still isn't, but that could change...

It's all very well to say it's not up the children, but these are teenagers, and what they want needs to very much be considered.

71 posts in and I still have no idea how the OP knows the ex-wife is “noticeably upset” or in any way done anything to have a thread started about her.

I think because you really do want her to accept the family wtc

then really make time to build a positive relationship with her! Get to know her and put the kids first like you say.

best thing for me was my step mother and mother getting along. It’s lovely.

No one’s done anything wrong to be in anyone’s life. We met after they’d already been divorced it took a while for me to meet his children. No one did anything to hurt anyone, no one’s in the wrong here. It’s just about navigating it all and we are doing a shit job at it we know that, I don’t like seeing my husband upset and he’s trying his best to navigate it all.