AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

You keep saying that you don't know what else you can do and that it's a novelty. It's very simple. Your husband says no to them coming over. Not hard.

He's says no, we will see you on X day. Spend some time with your mum.

If they turn up, just say today is you mum's day we'll see you on X.

Their dad could be a considerate parent and encourage them to think about their mum. That's parenting not just saying yes all the time.

Not hard. Not controversial.

There, problem solved. Not hard really was it?

What you, or rather their father, can do is when they "text or call to ask to come over", he says no if it’s a time they’re supposed to be at their mother's. It sounds like at the moment he’s saying yes.

I don’t know how old your baby is but it sounds like they had plenty of time with him in the first exciting weeks. I expect you’re right that the novelty will wear off but that could take another year or two, until he stops being a baby.

Sounds like you/dad could help the situation by just saying to the kids they can come round on tues and thurs but mon/wed/fri they need to go to their mums (or whatever the agreement is).

Fair point. I was more thinking of OP with her blended family of 3 (potentially 4) kids. I think one can 4 kids and give them all plenty of attention / time / love.

...but you dont discuss with them how they are making their mum feel? Presumably because you couldn't care less

Oh come on of course that’s shit for the mum. Totally shit. If you really cared about the kids you’d be saying firmly to them that it’s Tuesday kiddos your mum will want to see you and hear about your day, baby will still be here on Thursday, go home and remember your manners. That would be putting the kids first here. Prioritising their whole family.

"Nothing more we can do"
Yes there is - sorry darling it's your night with your mum, we will speak to you tomorrow.
Intruding into their time with their mum is unacceptable and that includes lots of phone calls.

You say it's not personal but I can't think of anything more personal than someone I was married to having a new baby with someone else and my kids only wanting to be at their house.
God I'd be fucking devastated. I hope if that happened their dad would say no and insist they see their mum. It's really basic compassion and being a good co-parent.
If the agreement is 50/50 then you should make sure it is 50/50. There will certainly be times they won't have wanted to see their dad, and their mum will have made them go because she knows it's only right for him to spend time with them (on the assumption of no abuse of course).

Just tell the kids no - it's your mum's night. What is hard about that?
It must be absolutely insufferable for you to shrug and go "sorry they just love being here so we can't possibly insist they go to your house where they don't want to be."
Ouch ouch ouch

Never post in AIBU as a step parent - you will get a lot of answers reflecting posters' own experiences rather than answering your own post.

It is probably upsetting that the older kids are wanting to spend less time with her at the moment but as you've correctly said it is a phase and will probably wear off. As teens they are old enough to make their own decisions about how often they want to visit. However, they are also old enough to consider the feelings of others so it might be worth their Dad sitting down with them and talking about how their Mum might be feeling hurt that they aren't spending much time with her.

How do you know he left her? Perhaps she left him, or it was a mutual decision.

Either way, it sounds like she hasn't really let go and moved on.

I can appreciate that she has difficult feelings about it, but she needs to be careful she doesn't alienate her children.

No, but I think you can have some empathy for the ex and not expect her to be happy and not mention it.

what about when they just turn up on their own ? I’ve been in the house on my own and they’ve just turned up. Frankly I’m still postpartum and I can’t just get baby ready to get in the car to drop them off in 2 mins so sometimes they have had to come in and wait whilst I get the baby ready for the car.

I think you could be a little bit more sympathetic. If her children want to be with their dad more, she must be feeling pushed out. Not sure how you can’t see that. Yes it is what it is and she does have to accept it, but you saying she shouldn’t feel how she feels is a bit mean.

I knew I’d get backlash by speaking the truth. It just shows how true it is! The latest jump-on is you need to stop the kids coming, but if you did that, you’d only get a load of abuse about how you’ve replaced them with a new baby. You cannot win on here so it’s best not to bother with it! You can’t argue with stupid.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Better to be liked by step children than disliked. Teenagers speak with their feet and that’s a credit to you and your DH. It’s unfortunate on their mum, but she can adapt her behaviours too.

It must be a pain in the arse for the ex planning a meal etc only to find they’ve buggered off to your house for the evening. Are you feeding them when they turn up too?. I think you’d be best telling them they can come Weds and Fri or whatever so everyone knows what’s happening, including you.

You come across as a little self-satisfied, op. "My baby is so small and cute". / "her kids want to spend more time with me at the moment". I mean, can't you understand why she's hurting?

I've been in the ex wife's shoes and had to keep my mouth shut and emotions hidden for various reasons, and it can be really, really hard.

As mums surely should?
They have you to prioritise them

OP I wouldn't worry about it.

I am a mother and I can understand her sadness at feeling a bit pushed out and that her children have a whole new family that doesn't include her. They are already likely growing up and spending less time with ebr as teens and now the arrival of your new baby has lessened this time even more, and so she's feeling down. We can surely all understand that as mothers?

However I'm also a stepmum who has added 2 new siblings for my stepchildren and you are doing the right thing to include them and allow them to be happy and excited about their new sibling. As you say, the novelty will wear off and of course, ideally, their mum would be putting on a smiley face for them too, even if she doesn't feel it inside.

You can't worry about their mum, she's not your problem. The important thing is that the children are happy and have adjusted positively to the new arrival. This will only become a problem if the mum starts pushing her feelings onto the children, and then it's time for your DH to have a conversation with her.

I do understand but maybe this is something she needs to speak to the children about. We’ve spoken to them, I don’t believe it’s right to tell them never to turn up at our door unless they give us notice. That sets a president which my husband isn’t really comfortable with.

If they've turned up on their own, they can get to their mum's house on their own.

Having to walk back might teach them not to just turn up.

There are solutions that really aren't that hard to work out.

MN pile on..

Where did I say he’s cute ? He’s small yes he was born at the end of August I think he’s still quite small nothing wrong with that.

Did the novelty wear off ? That’s all I think it is. It’s nothing personal to anyone they’re just excited at someone new in the house. It’s like a new kid at school that’s all it is.

what about when they just turn up on their own ?

You tell them not to do that.

Do you say to them does your mum know you have come here? How does your mum feel?

Tbh I think it’s weird they want to be there every single evening, maybe they are worried about feeling left out?

Tbf if I was in ex’s position I would feel upset too

I can't be bothered to read the thread. @QuirkyRoseLion . Did you have an affair that played a part in their marriage break up? If so, YABU. If not, she should move on.