To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

It's a grandma! Goodness, what is with you? Not just a 'close relative.' And of course they should be treated the same as the mother's own mother when it comes to telling them about the birth of the grandchild.

She sounds horrible @ConfusedGranS and you do not. No wonder you’re confused.

She has a nanny and a housekeeper. I had the same when my kids were that age and I most definitely was not knackered.

If you ask her you have to be prepared to listen. And if she does bring up incidents of where you have upset her or reasons why she is keeping you at arms length (if she is) you need to not get defensive and let her express her feelings. If you jump in with reasons why she’s wrong or dismiss her feelings then any conversation you have with her will make things a million times worse.

That seems to be a common problem - people feeling others are judging them, when they aren't at all, and in fact are thinking about what they'll cook for tea or the last episode of Traitors. We tend to assume we take up much more space in the thoughts of others than we really do. And then, having assumed they are judging us, we interpret everything they say through that lens. Inevitably it ends badly.

She really doesn’t sound very kind, and I say this as someone who has a very tricky relationship with my own Mil, who noticeably doesn’t like me and is pretty horrible to me at times. I still manage to be kind to her and try to find common ground to chat about, partly because she is an elderly lady and I am polite, partly because it’s the kind thing to do for my DH. Your dil making so little effort with you isn’t treating your son very well.
Does she let other people do things one on one with the four year old? My mil would definitely have delighted in doing things I disapproved of with our dc when they were tiny, I would have been annoyed but would have put up with it, however there were other reasons to do with Fil why it was genuinely unsafe to leave them with her and Fil then (also distance), but she did have one of the dc to stay a couple of times after Fil died, when she was in her early to mid teens. She never offered any help at all though, in spite of helping SIL a lot with her dc a few years later. Dc had to ask if she could stay the night with her. You sound as though you really want to be close to your grandchildren and to get on with the whole family.
Your dil’s reaction to a walk to the within view pond, is pretty strange and obviously trying to make a point, I do think you need to talk to your son about this. Does your dil think you are scatty or easily distracted? Is she a very controlling person generally ?
I knew someone (sister of a good friend) who was absolutely horrible about her in-laws, who clearly just wanted a relationship with their grandsons. They were perfectly nice people just totally different from their dil. The dil had grown up in an arty family with more money, and her in laws were working class and not moneyed at all, she looked down on them and judged them for not being well educated. I found it really sad. Perhaps something like this is going on ? Not the same scenario, but maybe she does look down on you for being less well off ? £7000 is a lot of money to give towards their wedding, were they grateful ?

Some women are competitive. There is a lot of truth in "Your son is your son until he finds a wife".
I know people have genuine issues with the in-laws. Others just don't care for the relationship, ultimately it's down to the DS to keep the relationship going, again stereotyping but a lot if men won't bother as they don't worry about tomorrow or outside personal relationships.

@ConfusedGranS

Could there be small things that you've said, that might have landed badly with her? Perhaps things that are just so normal from your point of view that you haven't noticed could cause her to feel upset.

I get on well with my in laws. But there have been some things they've said/ done that have felt hurtful to me.

These things were just done out of thoughtlessness not malice but lots of small interactions that hurt made it hard for me to relax with them.

Could it be something like that?

Maybe not. My SIL is like this. Kids are fine on their own with her parents but not her ILs. She's known her ILs for decades before she married and had children and they are incredibly nice, easy going ILs. Their only crime is that they aren't anything like her parents and she hates them for it. Completely irrational, but there it is.

No advice for you OP other than meet her where she is and go to your son to arrange visits, etc.

It sounded dismissive.

This 100% actually listen to her response and let her give it too you and just say you’re glad she’s shared and want to move forward and let her feel it out after. Your diplomacy here will win you for the future

This sounds incredibly irritating, you’re aware they don’t want you to look after the children alone and yet you keep pushing and pushing. They’ve politely batted you away but they’re now having to be more and more explicit and you still keep putting them in the awkward position of having to tell you no.

There’s dozens of ways to support new parents, but when the poor cows just given birth you’re yet again using it as an opportunity to try and get the alone time. Help is only helpful if it addresses a need, you’re dressing up what you want as help.

I would have to ask her straight

The fact they (and it appears not just your DIL so I wonder why you are aiming this only at her) don't want you alone with their kids, even 10m away, is very odd. Either something has happened or been said, or they are very very strange.

I would have challenged her on it and probably had an argument - not that my own mother would ever have been so rude. I have a different relationship with my MIL. Disagree with her on so many issues that I just stay polite (but emotionally distant) most of the time, for my husband's sake.

I wouldn’t let my mum look after my kids, she knows this, but if I left the room with her with my kids I’d come back in and she’d be talking to them about outings granny can take them on. So it could be something like that.

Or it might be she doesn’t trust her reactions are quick enough to look after a 4 year old near water.

Fact is she’s now hyper vigilant, doesn’t like it, but feels even on a trip to the park she can’t stand down because OP is looking for her chance.

yeah.... the more the OP posts, the more I think there's much more to it than DIL suddenly just changing personalities as soon as she married.

Yes, I agree. OP, your comment about how she's 'lucky she had the time and opportunity' probably made her feel judged.
I can believe you didn't actually mean it to sound judgey and maybe you were just thinking aloud, as we often do!
...but, just as often, we read into things, and she might well have interpreted it as you passing judgement on how she has a nanny and money.

Yes I can see that. Or a suggestion that she doesn’t do much herself in terms of parenting and the home.

That would bother me.

Why’s she getting the blame? Even if she hated you there’s nothing stopping your son visiting with the kids and encouraging a relationship there. I get on well with my in laws but my DH still takes the kids to see them without me to give me a break.

He’s your son and he’s the one who needs to ensure family relationships are harmonious. She’s probably got enough on her plate.

Well the DiL is lucky to have the money to have a nanny and a housekeeper. And In Laws who gave 7k to their wedding. She just sounds very rude. I can no longer cope with people who are upset for some reason but wont say why.

And yet we are expecting OP to go back and analyse every conversation for any tiny thing that might have upset the DiL.I would seriously step back and match her energies. If she is so bored staying with you, dont ask her any more.
If she cant answer your questions without being terse or sarcastic- dont ask her any. It's very sad for the grandchildren but unless she uses her words like a Big Girl what else can you do?

I’m failing to see anything in your posts that would make her dislike or distrust you. It’s odd she was previously friendly and only stopped after marrying your DS. Something clearly happened in her mind at this point, even if you can’t pinpoint it.

I’m wondering whether your DS has shared something from his childhood perhaps and she has judged your parenting skills as a result?

I would ask her directly. Tell her that you really would like to have a good relationship with her - not mention anything about the grandkids though. Just that you care about her and you’re afraid that your relationship was worsened. And that you don’t know why and what has happened etc.

Sarcastic responses in the vein of “urgh why am I bothering explaining”.

I think she sounds rude. It may be that she was making a big effort before she married your DS, but once they're married doesn't see it as important to impress you anymore has stopped trying.

It may be that she looks down on you because of the wealth disparity. Many people are not like that, but some definitely are.

My MIL is a lovely person, never puts a step wrong and tries so hard. But I find the kind of conversations you have described above quite wearying and honestly it just builds up over time. She did an amazing job as DH's mother, she has a heart of pure gold but she's not someone I naturally gel with or would choose as a friend, and so we get thrown together for intense periods of time and it puts a strain on DH and I because he gets so little leave and I wish I got more time for us all just to spend as a nuclear family.

I'm sorry none of this is a miracle fix, but I think maybe also just stop trying to hard and match her energy a bit more. It sounds like you've done absolutely nothing wrong. Some people just aren't very nice.

Totally agree with all this.