To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

I agree with this. Dont go in assuming there’s an issue. But give her a way to address it.

I wonder if you say little things that don't seem wrong to you but are small judgements?

@Meadowfinch
They visit us once a year for 2 nights and by night 2 you can tell DIL has had enough. She’ll give sarcastic responses if I try to discuss anything like isn’t the baby growing fast or how does she feel about her eldest starting school next year

If it's about money, then that's her being shallow, but I doubt it is. Either she's just not got as much energy for those kind of relationships, feels expectations of her in doing wifework to maintain your relationship to your son is unreasonable, you've offended her, she feels you aren't interested in her as anything other than an incubator for the children due to how you are with her/children, your son has said something to her that has made her feel less warm to you, or so many things. It may not be you. Or it could be.

How long have they been married. Does her family live locally? How was she with you when planning the wedding?

It reads as if you haven’t done anything wrong- I would speak to your son first. Does he bring the DC to visit you?

Communication is important. I don’t have much of a relationship with my MIL and it is due to communication issues on both sides when DC were born/small (nearly adults now).

Hope things can improve.

Oh god please don’t ask her.

She’s probably just busy and realised she doesn’t need to prioritise you.

I love my MIL and she’s great for the kids but I don’t need another persons needs and wishes on my plate for me to manage thank you.

if you reflect on your behaviour and genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong then don’t rock the boat. If you want more time with your grandkids then make your son enable that.

If you do ask her, firstly you’re probably not going to like an honest answer, and secondly, try to resist the temptation to tell her she’s wrong.

Do you ever relate to her with anything outside the children? Or is she just the mother of your grandchildren? Maybe she wants you to relate to her as an individual, not just a mother? Maybe you're like my MIL who just seemed to see me as an obstacle between her and taking over the grandchildren?

I would LOVE to have a MIL like you!

@DeftGoldHedgehog
i say this positively, in that I truly believe children benefit from having a present, energetic mother rather than someone exhausted by the daily chores, but I would not describe DIL as knackered. I’m happy that my granddaughter will grow up seeing her mum as someone who has activities she enjoys in her life and makes time for, outside of being a wife and mother. She has a lot of help, she doesn’t get up with the baby at night, she has a lot of hobbies and time to do them.

Sounds like she feels superior to you. You did mention she comes from wealth and you don't. The fact that you mentioned this shows that you had some thoughts about this as well.

Op the fact is some women are false and play nice to impress their partner until they feel secure ( marriage and kids) and then they reveal who they really are. You probably haven’t done anything wrong, the problem is her. If that is the case you cannot do anything to change it. My relationship with my DIL became stronger wheN they had my grandchildren because i try to be there without interfering and help out where possible. However with both my sons and Dil if i believe that something is not is my dgc best interests i will voice that opinion while acknowledging that the ultimate decision is with them the parents.

I agree with this. It does sound as though something specific has caused her to distance herself from you - so if you do ask her, be prepared to listen properly and give real consideration to your own behaviour. Whatever it is, responding defensively won’t help.

Not really. I know if I tell her it will blow up into a massive row, so I just keep my distance. It isn’t one thing it’s her entire mindset and it permeates everything she does. My sister and sister in law both have expressed the same issues.

My MIL might have said the same about me when DDs were small, I was still bloody tired and had no mental energy for thinking about the quality of the relationship with my inlaws. I was actually depressed but she would never have known.

@CravingSolitude
ive tried to make conversation about her hobbies, I know very little but I’ve asked questions. Sarcastic responses in the vein of “urgh why am I bothering explaining”. I’ve tried to talk about my travels, her travels, ask about her childhood dog. All replies are “yeah all good”, “it was nice”. Reminds me of trying to talk to my son when he was 15-16 if I’m honest!
in her pregnancies it was also very much “had a scan, it was good” if I asked. That went on all the way right up to when she gave birth and I was only informed the following morning. My son clearly seemed uncomfortable with it but said it was her wish, which he respected (as I’d want him to, she’s birthing his child!).

I would talk to your son about all these things. Stress you don't want to make the relationship worse, you want to make it better.

@ConfusedGranS what is the relationship with her own parents like?

What is wrong with being informed the following morning?

Then she is being rude. If there's an issue, she's not addressing it constructively. I'd just keep being as pleasant as possible and give her some space. Hopefully it gets easier with time.

Yet she is not 'knackered' when her family are around! Sounds like she's gone down a familar route, she's got the man and now only her family matter and of couse he has to support her opinions on everything. She's got the golden ticked, 2 children.

Leave the poor woman alone. You want a different type of relationship and she isn't interested.
Visit your son, spend time with the Grandchildren, invest in those relationships.

What is an "average working mother?"

People have nannies and housekeepers often because their job is very well paid but also very long hours and all-consuming. If she has a baby she may not be back long from mat leave and wondering what hit her.

I ostensibly had a good set up when I went back to work after DD2. Childminder just at the end of the road, worked four days a week in a local job, PIL had kids one day a week, DH worked FT but always took turns with me to do childcare pick ups and drop offs. I was still horribly depressed and burnt out after two years of that and took a career break of two years doing something completely different, to recover.

Maybe you just don’t gel?

maybe you have said something small and insignificant to you, but it’s bothered her and she doesn’t feel in the position to pick you up on it?

i find my MIL extremely hard work. We just have a very different family dynamic, and I find her too intense.

I made the mistake of biting my tongue and limiting my own interactions with her, but she overstepped, caused a huge row and now I am extremely low/no contact with her.

Maybe ask your son again, or maybe your husband can have a chat with him?

My guess is she’s tired and fed up with the work of hosting that gets hoisted on her lap. You may also be harder work than age group siblings and that’s even more tiring.

Speak from my own experience, having my MIL come to visit is a lot of work. It’s not me who thinks this. My husband does too. He feels obligated to invite her over for lunch. But he doesn’t really want to talk to her. He’ll determine the grass suddenly needs cutting or a hedge needs trimming and will disappear to do that so he doesn’t have to spend time with her. That means the work of entertaining falls on me. Even if he’s there, they’ll just sit awkwardly on their phones unless I keep the conversation flowing.

It’s hard work. I’m tired. They probably think it’s hard work too. Why doesn’t your son ever invite you to stay over? Does he organise days out with you and the grandkids without DIL? It sounds like he’s not making a huge effort and she’s matching his energy.