To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

I think this is just who she is. The woman you initially met was just her sucking up to you in the lead up to actually getting him married

Maybe she's just one of these women who is determined to not like her PILs, regardless of how nice and reasonable they are. She was possibly only being nice pre-marriage to show your son what a lovely person she was and not frighten him off. Now she has the ring on her finger she can be her true self.

Maybe just step back a bit obviously something has happened.

How far away do you live ?
as in one line you mention offering to babysit so I guess you are very local
but in another line you say they have come to stay with you for a couple of nights - so not local at all if there is a need to stay overnight ?

Or were you thinking of staying for the weekend if you were babysitting.

You say she has a nanny and a housekeeper - not sure if you mean a full time house keeper who cooks and cleans and manages things or a daily/weekly cleaner ?

but I suggest both these people can babysit as they will be local and very familiar to the children and their routines.

You can only ask or let it go. If she was previously warm and it was when marriage and kids came about, is there a chance you've done something or said something without realising?

I ask because my mum has a strained relationship with my sister and her husband, and only really has a relationship that's mostly normal with me and my husband because we're more patient, my husband has the patience of a Saint. But she often laments her relationship with my sister and clearly has no clue why its like that when my sisters actually told her and I've told her and called her out for things as she does them, ie she's rather opinionated, she has some political beliefs that don't align with ours which isn't usually an issue but she will relentlessly go on and on at you like she's on a soap box. She constantly would give unasked for opinions on thr kids growing up and judge what we're doing, without even realising she was doing it. She cant help but turn every conversation subject to a negative and it gets very very wearing. She has honestly no clue and talks like everyone else is the problem.

Thats my more extreme example, but while you say you haven't done anything, could there be something on a less extreme level than my mum that you may have offended her over or a parenting style that means she doesn't want you to watch the grandkids? Hopefully it's not simple snobbery in her as that would be vile on her part, but I guess the only thing you can do is ask her or live with it.

Yes, it's terribly difficult isn't it. My story is exactly the same as yours - ages, children etc. I've stepped right back.

Yes, and even if your son is a reasonably good husband and father, it's incredibly common for relationships to deteriorate temporarily during early child rearing, resulting in a knock on effect to the wider family.

My MIL without a doubt thinks that her son is the most marvellous father ever to have fathered, and I would have several ways to disillusion her! Which is not to say that my husband is a bad father, but seeing someone fawn over the man who can never remember to put the fucking milk cup back in the fridge is an emotional jar.

And on the time front - pre-children, I had lots of time. Time for best friends, medium friends, acquaintances, family and holidays. Now I don't - the acquaintances are dropped, the medium friends hardly get a look in, and family who aren't my immediate family feel more like an obligation than a pleasant interval.

The best way to handle this, IMO, is to be proactive in your offer - "we'd like to take the grandkids to xyz", accept that she didn't have as much time for you right now and it's not personal, and be on her side as much as your son's.

I wondered that.

My SIL kept up a polite front for 30 years. At the funeral after the coffin was lowered as we walked off she said she'd really hated her because she'd been such a crap mother when the children were growing up. And to be fair she was.

Dsis did everything to eliminate her in-laws from her life. They were perfectly decent ordinary people but inconvenient when she lived next door to her own parents (and mine!) who did all childcare and in-laws were from 200 miles away so trips were necessary. In fact she soon never visited and certainly no Christmases/birthdays with in-laws occurred.

When bil left dsis, one of his reasons was her attitude that his family was superfluous.

This will definitely have sounded like a sly dig!

Why did you not just say 'wow you are SO good at this, it's incredibly impressive'?

What you effectively said was 'aren't you lucky you are privileged'.

You might have been right - but that's going to get her back up, and she will have extrapolated that you feel that everything she does is down to luck and privilege, including raising her children, and that she is generally a lazy shirker who doesn't know she's born.

My SIL was like this with my mum. Honestly, she’s just kind of a bitch. That was all there was to it. Say nothing. Nothing good will come of you saying anything to her.

Yes, and the fact that OP has mentioned several times how rich her DIL's parents are, suggests to me that this features more in the relationship dynamics than OP is perhaps letting on.

I don't know if this would apply to you, but my MIL had been much worse off than we were when she'd been raising her DC. Partly becuase she never worked, and partly because they had DC much younger.

We got lots of comments about how 'lucky' we were, which perhaps were meant to say she was happy for us, but it never came across that way.

She sounds pretty rude. I fell out with my mil once and we didn’t speak for a couple of years but it was all in the open then when we started talking again there wasn’t really an apology but we get on really well now.
I think if you aren’t aware you’ve done anything it’s not your problem. I would just see the kids and leave her to it.

I would say that it could just be her - some women are naturally a bit funny with their MIL and prioritise their own family. Probably some innate biological reason behind it all. Or the problem could be you. My inlaws have been absolutely horrible to me over the years but would be genuinely surprised if I told them so. I keep them at a big distance and I have good boundaries. They have done some really unforgiveable things. I try to keep a good relationship with them though and am pleasant to them but I really do not like to stay with them as they like to cause trouble. My advice is to friendly and non-judgmental and accept that they are living their lives in a way which might be different to you. If my inlaws had done that I would have been super happy to spend unlimited time with them.

With this it might be in your head you’re being really nice but you are probably trying too hard and DIL is taking it as an arsey comment. I would just keep things brief and see where it goes.

The 'poor woman' sounds like rude and arrogant.
Id withdraw and leave them to it.

Why haven't you asked your son what her problem is?

Could be anything, couldn't it? Honestly though, this is obviously quite a big deal for you and you've listed lots of little niggles throughout your post and responses. She probably picks up on this. You clearly feel upset that you think she doesn't like you. She may have noticed that what she is doing hasn't been enough and now her relationship with you has become another thing she's expected to work on alongside raising her children and there's a good chance she just can't be arsed.

She sounds rude. Some people are. We don’t have to love our in-laws but some level of warmth and civility should be possible. You should not have to tiptoe round her and please her. Be yourself. You jay well have done nothing wrong at all.

She has. Can’t you read?!

it is literally in the OP

I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”

One of my pet peeves in life is when people say someone is lucky for something which is down to dedication and hardworking.

Eg Isn't she lucky she did so well in her exams?

No luck had very little to do with it. Instead it was down to her revising for hours at the expense of a social life.

Slight derail, but honestly if you regularly refer to her as lucky, even without realising it, that is bound to undermine any chance of a positive relationship.

A close relative?

@justasking111
"My DILs for instance expect them to do their own Christmas shopping for their own family. Take their children out solo for family visits, parks and hobbies. I admire them."

Why should they not do their own shopping and look after their own kids?

I’m not sure what you’re getting at. Are you disputing that a grandmother is a close relative?