To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

I agree as well!

My BIL and his wife are like this. Always have been. Just very anxious about their children.

I wonder if there is some other issue. From what you've said, it doesn't sound as though she has a problem with you precisely.

Really?

”Can I look after the children alone?” …"no thanks”

”can I take the toddler to the park alone” “no thank you”

”can I take them to the pumpkin patch alone” “for fuck sake Brenda I said no no thank you”

ohh she’s feeling weak and vulnerable just having given birth “can I take the toddler out alone as a favour to you” “no thanks”

What is the obsession with having the (very young) children alone without their parents? I don’t get it.

Quite ignorant answers in my opinion.

@sprigatito
Nothing inherently “wrong” but, from my experience, family is often told either as the mother goes into hospital or soon after the birth. Our grandchild was born in the afternoon, so it’s not like those were hours when it is socially unacceptable to call / send a text. My son’s tone seemed somewhat apologetic when he said that he couldn’t say earlier as his wife wanted to wait until she’s recovered a little to tell extended family. For context her parents came to the hospital before we had even been told the grandchild was born.

You’ll have to explain your opinion for those of us that aren’t telepathic

Also I'm a bit confused about the logistics .

You said that you volunteered to take child for a walk so they could have a lie in, but you haven't stayed at theirs?

So do you live really near, but then why do they come for two days?

Or if you stay in a hotel then you have to come over first, so they don't actually get a lie in.

Or is this when they have come to visit you with the baby, which is always stressful being in someone else's house with a young baby. So of course they wouldn't lie in.

My son’s tone seemed somewhat apologetic when he said that he couldn’t say earlier as his wife wanted to wait until she’s recovered a little to tell extended family.

I think your son's being a bit weaselly here. Support your wife and respect her wishes unequivocally, or take a stand and tell her it's important to you that your parents are informed of the birth. Don't try and have it both ways and let the mother take all the blame.

It's boundaries!

And you are blaming her.

You son could have phoned his parents and said the baby was born. But he chose to wait. That was his decision

The woman giving birth is the patient, the one in pain and vulnerable, so of course she will, assuming good relationships, want her own parents around her first. Being told the following morning once she’d recovered a bit really shouldn’t have been a big deal. If she got wind of your disappointment at that time and it upset her, then you may have your answer.

@MabelAnderson
I don’t know 100% but from what I hear she is relatively laid back about both of her children spending time with other people - she leaves them with the nanny most days at least for a few hours, she’s gone abroad overnight and left them with her own mum (I know that’s different, as she’s her mum, but it does demonstrate that she CAN leave them in principle), they leave the 4yo at their neighbour’s occasionally who has a similar aged child

I have 2 SILs like this. My parents are relaxed generous friendly but neither SIL is bothered with them. Its the same pattern as you describe, they took much more time with them in the early stages of the relationship and then cooled off. I really feel for my parents. I'm not sure there's anything they can do about it.

You are answering your own question. There is a reason she and your son, who are equal parents, don't want you to spend time alone

@sprigatito
i did not express any disappointment, I was nothing but excited for her, messages to say massive congratulations, how grateful I am to her for being such a wonderful mother to my grandchildren, how lucky my son is, what a great occasion, wished her a speedy recovery and told her no need to answer as the priority should be on looking after herself and baby. I did not mention the timing of the announcement at all. I did not suggest or hint I’d like to visit and I only visited when the baby was 3w old as that’s when I was invited round.

With a nanny and a housekeeper? Shouldn't have thought so.

@Backpain2026
he did wait because, as he said, his wife wanted him to. And of course I’d have wanted him to do as she wishes given that she was the person who gave birth.
I only wonder (but didn’t express it) why we are kept at arms length in this case and many others

This is such an unfortunate situation & probably more common than you think regarding the paternal Grandparents. My DIL is very much fair in this respect & Id say although slightly more towards her own side we are happy with this. We genuinely love them like our own but they can be exhausting.

I can only suggest what I would do in this scenario. I would choose a convenient time when she is not busy & ask her if it would be ok to have a heart to heart chat about family dynamics since marriage & children came along. She may or may not agree & you could get a why is this necessary reply but I would take the chance & if so Id reply back because I'm upset about how things have changed so much. I'd then go on to tell her everything you've mentioned here. If the reply is along the lines of nonsense I'd give examples. Communication is key. You deserve to have a loving & close relationship with your family especially given you sound like the children would benefit having you in their lives more often. A nanny can never replace Grandparents anymore than they can replace parents.

You say you don't want to put your son 'in the middle', but he is in the middle. He's the bridge between you and his wife and children, and I do think he has a role to play in sorting this out. Even if in self interest, as its better for him to have harmony between you.
So personally, rather than put DiL on the spot and risk a conversation that reads as critical, I'd go back to him.
Give him the examples, don't let him fob you off by pretending you're imagining it, and ask him what you could do differently.

Being busy doesn't excuse someone being downright rude and answering questions with sarcasm.

And how is she supposed to fix things when she doesn't even know what she is supposed to have done?

I don't get why adults can't just communicate with one another. Why does MIL have to tread on eggshells scared to death to upset her DIL.

Be open, discuss, be honest and talk!!! Its so annoying.

The sarcasm, the silent treatment and the having to pander to someone's moods is crazy. And its so childish.

If DIL has an issue then she should talk about it and not just be frosty.

I just don't get why people just don't see to talk to one another anymore.

What?
Maybe you should change that to some people? Some people are false. Jesus.

As someone who is close to my MIL and sees my 2 SILs as cool and off hand with my parents i think some people just dont bother.

I'm sorry for the situation youre in it sounds hurtful and I feel v sorfor my parents.
Waiting a day to tell a nice grandparent that a child is born is v unfriendly imo

OP as hard as this is it sounds like she just doesn’t like you.

IF I am honest I have relatives who I don’t like. I find spending time with them irritating and I therefore avoid them. They are very different to me, with a sense of humour I find grating. They think the majority of the family are snobs (I am not alone in avoiding them), and if they asked if they have done anything wrong I couldn’t point to a single thing, I just really dislike spending time with them.

It may well be nothing specific you have done, you just don’t click. She doesn’t enjoy spending time with you. I am not defending her, I am just saying there might not be one thing you unintentionally did that you can apologise for to magically fix the relationship.

While she could be more gracious about it, there might be no way to ‘fix’ this.

We don't know what her job is, of course. She could be a brain surgeon, a member of the cabinet, or have no job at all. Definitely still possible to be tired when you have paid help, depending on what you do.