To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

Yeah definately ask her. Communication is everything. Good luck.

It probably isn't you at all, she's just knackered, working and having a four year old and a baby.

If it's since they married, how was the actual wedding/planning of the wedding? Were you involved much?

What happens when they visit you at home?

Honestly, I'd start by asking your son again. Come from a place of concern rather than accusation. Say you really valued the good relatioship you had with them both and you feel things have shifted, that you'd love to get back on track and play a part in their lives. Not just "is everything ok". Pick a time/ place where he is liekly to be able to have a proper conversation with you.

Could you offer to take the older child out for a Christmas treat, to a show he/she would like or something?

I think sons are often a bit crap at keeping in touch and this can fall to the DIL as wifework, but understandably not everyone wants to do that. I became closer to PIL when the kids were small as I just ended up seeing a lot more of them than DH did.

I think asking her if there is a problem or an issue may be confronting even if not intended to be that way, and could put her back up. To be honest, if the relationship is currently awkward she’s not going to suddenly open up and confide in you that you irritate or annoy her.

I suggest you remind her that you love seeing her and the kids and that you are always available to help out if needed etc, and then add that, you know times have changed so if there is ever anything we do with or say to the children that she isn’t comfortable with, you are happy to adapt and follow her guidance. That gives her an “in” to know that she can say something now or in the future and may break the ice or at least start to thaw it. Good luck OP.

What about also seeing them without the kids if they have childcare? Invite them out for dinner?

It can also feel as a DIL that PIL aren't interested in you as a person any more when you have their grandchildren and that you were merely a vessel to facilitate GC coming along. Not saying you have done anything to warrant that idea, OP, but perhaps it would be nice just to see them and have a good catch up?

I don’t really know, but my SIL is like this. I think it was putting on a friendlier face until they got married. There may not be much you can do. Is it worth asking one of your other children?

My relationship with my in laws got worse after I had my DC (and then improved again as the children got older)

They are extremely loving grandparents and very nice people but when the DC were babies they had a tendency to ignore/dismiss/undermine any rules, requests or boundaries I set in place.

They weren’t doing it to be mean, they weren’t rude, they just thought they were right or didn’t see the risks of their behaviour or what they wanted to do. They didn’t understand that there could be long term consequences to their actions.

There were no big blow ups, but it did make my life difficult and caused problems for my DH.

Make sure you aren’t accidentally doing that sort of thing.

My parens and siblings have offended my partner. They are totally unaware that they have done it. I'm sure they've noticed that things are a bit werd. Damage is done and no apologies will fix it. Could there be something that might have offended her?

Could be that there is nothing special, she just doesn't gel with your family and after the kids, she no longer has enough energy to not let it show? I would propably talk to your son and tell him that you feel like there is an atmosphere, you're sorry if there is anything you've done cause all you want is to have a good and respesctful relationship with his wife and kids. He might still claim it is fine, but after that I would carry on as normal and ignore the vibe. It is not nice, but I wouldn't want to step away from my children and grandchildren.

From what you have said, it sounds like there is something - but that doesn't mean you will ever get to the bottom of what the issue is.

It may be something quite small and petty or it could be just a difference of opinion about something like politics or religion or another controversial subject.

I'm not sure there is much you can do apart from asking her directly if everything is ok and try to give a concrete example of where you feel she has been cold (nothing that will upset her though). But if she denies, it, I would let it drop and just keep being friendly and welcoming to her in the hope that it passes one day.

Have you ever commented on her parenting?

Yes, I'd (summon up the courage to) ask her out for lunch/cake/wine, whatever is her thing and say what you've said here.

Yes that will do it. My MIL made negative comments about my parenting 30 years ago and I'm still quietly annoyed about it!

YANBU to ask her.

There's no point in this thread filling up with people asking if you've ever 'done this' or 'said that'.

You could fill a whole series of threads and still not have the answer until you speak to her.

Good luck.

I'd say she's just wary.
There's so many stories of mil and dil relationships not being good.
Maybe she feels judged.
I used to feel like that although my mil in law is perfectly nice.
When my kids were small I was always on edge when visitors called,always felt judged for no particular reason.

You need to ask her. My mother is in the same boat as you with my children. I don’t ask her to look after them and never will I know she really wants to but she completely mishandles her relationship with me. If she asked I’d tell her, but I’m not going to bring it up.

I think some people are evasive. They can't or won't explain what's wrong. I am in this situation with one family member. It means, after a series of failed attempts to open up discussion, I have had to pretty much giving up on seeing their children. This is a source of some pain. However, I have concentrated on other - much more positive - family relationships, on seeing friends and on doing the things that I enjoy.

Since she’s been married or since she’s had her children?

It might be that she is just tired and she puts on more of a front in front of other people.

Was there anything in DS’s childhood or any little fall outs?
If it is ‘you’ then it’s likely DS has told her something and she’s upset on his behalf as she’s only heard 1 side.

I agree with this, ask your son and don't be fobbed off. Also ask him (not her) directly if you can come and stay with them, don't keep waiting for an invitation. It will be difficult for him to say no without giving you a reason why.

My relationship with my MIL deteriorated massively after I had DC. She commented on my parenting and also came out with some very outdated views on how much (or really how little) her son should be being in terms of hands-on parenting and housework.

I've never understood the fixation that many grandparents seem to have with seeing their grandchildren without the parents present. I'd stop offering to babysit or look after the kids (they have a nanny so clearly don't need that) and try and work on spending more time with all of them as a family.

Very difficult to tell. Based on what you've written, it doesn't sound like you're the type of MIL who wants it all her own way, but obviously, have a think about if there's anything youmight have said or done.

But I do think, if ou had a good relationship, asking her might not be a bad idea. You can do it gently and position it as not wanting to repeat anything that makes her uncomfortable etc. Remember to emphasise you care for her and the chidlren and are super happy with her in your life blah blah.

With a full time nanny and a housekeeper. I don’t think you can compare her to the average working mother.

@Pootles34
i don’t think so? They informed me of their wedding plans, location, colour scheme etc and the extent of giving my opinion was “oh lovely!” “That looks nice”…

we gave £7K for the wedding whereas I know her family paid substantially more but it was genuinely all we could afford to give away.

This is weird and controlling! If someone has inadvertently done something to upset you how can they put it right if you don’t tell them? Its mind games!