To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

Because some of us read between the lines, draw on personal experience, draw on what they’ve read on Mumsnet about the DIL/MIL and have an open enough mind to think that there may be another side to the story here as people don’t tend to be 100% awful and 100% perfect

It sounds like you annoy her for reasons you do not understand. I think you need to try to get your son to be more open with you about the reasons. He is probably not wanting to make things worse or hurt your feelings, but if he can explain something better, it may help the situation going forward.

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable comparing how your DIL interacts with your other children/ her husband's siblings. Of course she connects better with them--they are her peers and generation!

In that case then why can they not be honest with MIL if there is an issue? She has asked the question and been told no but clearly there is.

How can she make something right or apologise for something she may have done if she doesn't know what is wrong and no-one is telling her, despite asking. Hence her original question of whether she should have a quiet work directly with her DIL.

It sounds hurtful and like you can’t win. She sounds rude.
After I read all your posts it made me think it’s a class thing. You sound like you come from different backgrounds. The class thing can cause so many unspoken demands and expectations. Not sure how you can overcome them. Sounds like your son is weak too or pushed into putting up with your DIL’s rudeness.
I am a DIL to people from a different class and I must say it has been a challenge but we love each other and treat each other with respect even though we sometimes don’t get the others’ points of view/ think the other is bonkers.
Maybe talk to your son to get him to at least say what annoys her. Hope you get to see your grandkids more soon.

Regarding the birth of the baby - is there a chance that she was worried you’d want to hop in the car straight away and come to the hospital, so thought waiting a bit to tell you would stop that happening?

I remember after my first was born being desperate to have my mum and sister come see me in the hospital, but my partner said it wouldn’t be fair to his parents not to come, so they didn’t.

looking back, I wish I’d told him that he could have his parents come visit after he’d given birth, and was lying overwhelmed and exhausted in a hospital bed and had the visit from my mum.

Unfortunately nobody is going to be able to tell you why she appears to be unfriendly.

She may just have decided she doesn’t like you and is just trying to be civil when she spends time with you, or she may be offended by something that you have done or not done (even if you are unaware).

If she is not being outwardly rude to you then unfortunately I think you just have to accept it, you can’t choose your in-laws!

This behaviour is obviously aimed at you as you say she's not like it with others. I feel that it could be to do with the wedding/wedding preparations or you're a bit suffocating in general. Did anything happen at the wedding or around that time, could it have been something very small that's changed her opinion of you?

Or she's just a snob? I can't work it out!

Many, many, many years ago when my child was a baby, my then MIL said "oh I always wonder why xxx is never wearing the right size clothes, he looks so silly". I immediately went right off her. Now, because I'm old I recognise that was just an off the cuff remark and I was extremely over sensitive. At the time I really disliked her. The point I'm making is that you could have said something that you thought nothing of, but your DIL didn't like. I would ask your son again and press the point.

It's not a you problem, I can tell from the way you're writing that you're not doing anything wrong.

No one here can tell you, just ask her.

But she’s clearly trying to make an effort to be civil and decent.

Sometimes people just don’t like other people - it’s not something either party can control. You can’t make someone like you and you don’t have a right to know why they feel like that

You sound like a great MIL tbh.

HOWEVER I'm sure my MIL would describe herself as a great MIL. She's very difficult and hard to spend time with but doesn't see it in herself, she has v little self awareness. She has said some hurtful things but no major blow up. She probably wouldn't even remember saying them.

Not saying you are like that at all and you could just have a bitch for a DIL. But it might be something to consider, that something you unwittingly did rubbed her up the wrong way.

My money is on her being a bitch though. Her sarcastic answers sound vile.

I would also want to know if my mother THOUGHT that my husband was being rude… maybe there’s a good explanation for this. Something might have happened. Or maybe it’s just different conversation and relationship styles. Or maybe OP‘s DIL truly is rude, snobby or [insert adjective].

but I strongly believe that this is a conversation OP should have with her son.

Regarding the birth of the baby - is there a chance that she was worried you’d want to hop in the car straight away and come to the hospital, so thought waiting a bit to tell you would stop that happening?

Yes, I could understand this - but not her son being so jelly-spined that his mother didn't see her new grand-child for 3 weeks.

I couldn't even imagine depriving my husband of that special time with his mother and his fresh newborn. So selfish and self-centred.

Also, what type of son even agrees to that??

She doesn’t like you (for no bloody reason, you seem great)

the only other thing it could be is that she doesn’t like your trying to get close to her by showing interest so kind of lords it over you by deliberately not answering or answering rudely

whichever it is she’s a rude twat.

There is a reason people do reverses on here.

If the OP posted as the daughter-in-law and described what her mother-in-law had been doing and how she had been responding to her offers of help etc, the responses would have been entirely different. The way people automatically vilify the OP on principle is quite tedious.

It might not be you. Your son might have said something. Your son might be using you as an excuse.

And bloody hell some people are really sensitive and take the hump easily.

Maybe there isn’t anyone to blame and it’s just a mismatch of personalities and expectations.

Most of OP’s posts makes me wonder if this is more about expectations around the grandchildren not being met. Maybe OP expected to have a certain amount of involvement like she does with her other children and their spouses but not getting the same from her son and DIL.

Tbh, I wouldn’t expect anyone to have the same level of involvement with someone who lives 15 minutes away vs someone who lives 2 hours away.

It also wouldn't occur to me to ask someone to stay in a guest room overnight if they live 2 hours away from me unless they told me they needed to and/or had issues that I knew where it would be a struggle for them to drive home, or they asked if they could stay over with it being family.

The DIL and her ultrasound scans, not sure what is wrong with the answer ‘all good’ unless there is an issue that was going on and even then it is between her and her DH.

It isn’t surprising that your son and his wife allow their 4 yo to stay over at their neighbor who also have a 4 yo.

I think this is one of those things where you have to be in the room with OP and DIL and observe vs one being right/good and the other wrong/bad.

Hell no. OP, don’t ask this. She’s waited years to have her children and will not want anybody other than herself to take her children to meet Santa. That’s a very special thing for parents to do with children at Christmas. If my in laws suggested this, I would be horrified.

When she has a nanny and a housekeeper?

OP, I wonder if she’s ashamed or embarrassed in some way about her husband’s background and is trying to distance herself, and him, from you? Some people really are hopeless snobs. I don’t know what else to think, really, if there hasn’t otherwise been any kind of falling out.

I do think you should speak to her and ask if there is anything you’ve done. Or if there’s anything you can do to help foster a better relationship.

Sending best wishes, OP. I hope you can sort things out.

People who behave like this never say 'oh well 3 years ago you said...' they get defensive, they gaslight and pretend the person is imagining the frostiness.

All the op can do is live with it and hope in time she thaws a bit. I do think her other dc will probably be able to shed some light as the ds currently has his head in the sand.

Someone somewhere will have noted the dynamics and will have a theory.

It's inherently difficult to change a genuinely 'nice' person into a nasty person.

Is it? A special thing for parents? Who made that rule?

Horrified! Crikey I took my granddaughter to see Santa.. cannot remember my daughter being horrified!

Sounds like she can't be bothered having a relationship with you. It would probably suit her if you didn't bother and she never saw you. Some women really begrudge sharing times with in laws.

I can't imagine talking to someone the way she has with you, it's really disgraceful. Got money but no manners obviously.