To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

So what do you think is going on then? Just bad luck? If all three kids are having major issues, then it does seem like something might have gone wrong somewhere along the way. Also there can be just bad luck/hereditary conditions as well - as in my brothers kids.

But we dont know that. He could be supporting them hugely. These things are complex and hard to deal with. OP hasnt said he isnt supporting them - unless I missed that.

She should prioritise herself instead of moving into a den of mayhem.

This!

@pithybeaker had an excellent thread on blended family that went horribly wrong. The kids were just messy and lazy - and younger - but she lost her safe space and lovely calm home, and it was very stressful for her. You should read her thread OP. It might help.

It’s hard to say.

His son has always been less academic than the rest. Going to college instead of sixth form was always expected, but flunking and considering dropping out wasn’t. I think he’ll probably have a full-time job soon enough.

His daughters… To be honest, I think they’ve struggled with having a blended family at their mum’s and both play their parents off against each other. When restrictions (on device time or socialising or homework) are put in place, they flounce off to the other home and lie about what the other parent’s agreed to. Their mum remarried about five years ago and they clash with their stepdad, and my boyfriend and his ex clash on boundaries and enforcement too. I think they have a lot more freedom precisely because of their dual home set up. It makes me glad my children only visit their dad because I do think both my boyfriend and his ex want the best for the girls, but it’s very hard for either of them to enforce the rules.

OP, you would want to be completely out of your mind to contemplate moving in and funding a house with him and his 3 children.
Even for well paid graduates, moving out is expensive.
They are not going anywhere.
Of course you would end up living in their mess and funding them.
Worse, your money would be tied up in this shit show.

As for your children sleeping on a blow up because HIS children have the 3 other bedrooms full-time???? Do you think your children would respect you in such a scenario?

He has likely years and years of paying for them ahead of him.

Don't get financially involved.
It would tie up your money in an asset that benefits him and his family, not yours, with all the wear and tear of 3 young adults on the asset.
Madness.
Thats before you think of retirement.
He could need to be working for a full decade.

Thise kids are way too young to move out. No 18 year old earns enough money to live a comfortable life they dont have the quals to get a well paid job that would enable them to live well at that age. They should be in education at 18 building a foundation, not thrown out and told to fend for themselves which is what your partner would be doing if he were to expect them to move out so he can live with you. I agree that I wouldnt want to live with children that weren't mine, but you got with this man knowing he had children and they must come first.

This would be a hell no from me too. I think instead of approaching this from 'when they turn 18' I would start to be clear that the plan relies on not living with any adult children. I agree you should develop a plan B and start to float it at an appropriate opportunity. I think you are going to need it. If your son is truly settled, a 2 bed flat might be appropriate - a second room for your daughter during term holidays until she finishes Uni and settles elsewhere permanently. Then the 2nd room could become an emergency option for both your children should something go very wrong in their lives. You could position it that he could potentially move in too once his children are settled elsewhere. I also would not be happy to effectively subsidise him and his family. My savings and spare income would be for my own children and I make no apology for that. Do you have single friends (or indeed friends in couples where the other does not like travelling) you could start your travelling adventures with also? If he is still working and supporting his family in his 4 bed home, the solution might be some holidays with him and then additional travelling with other companions.

How old are you OP? And when were you hoping to retire?

If its within 10 years then this could all turnaround. 16 - 18 year olds who've flunked exams, have some mental health issues/drug issues will be very different people at 26/28. If its 5 years then no way Id say.

You could tell him now you dont want to move in together until you are both empty nesters, which I think is more than reasonable. Thats gets him off your back about it right now and he can focus on helping his kids, and if they are struggling right now they dont need another disruption.
It gives you time to reflect and really consider whether this man is going to be able to live out the retirement you want.

I think it hinges on the timeline. 5 years - nope. 10 years - absolutely possible.

Another issue to consider is even if his kids move out and you buy a house together, what if one or more of them asks to come "home" for "just for a few months" which then turns into a few years! Definitely a no from me.

I’m 55 and hoped to retire at 60, semi-retirement at least, with full retirement by 62/3 if necessary. I’d be reluctant to delay it all until any further. I have many friends who’ve had health scares in their 60s, and we’ve been making plans for the past four years.

So how is the joint house purchase / rental going to be funded? Because realistically you’re going to need upwards of 5 bedrooms.

Truth

Well yeh you cant do this then. Hes not going to be an empty nester in 8 years. Even kids with all their ducks in a row arent all going to leave by 24. Hes absolutley delusion if he thinks they are. I mean its possible for some - but not all 3 Id say.

I get why you want what you want for retirement. Im exactly the same. My sense of mortality has royally kicked in and I dont want to hang about. Im the member of a posh local hotel pool, and I mix with people in their 60s and 70s who are always saying they worked and worked for retirement and then health meant they couldnt do the things they wanted and they wish they had done them earlier. Also so many lost partners too. By 60 I want to be off travelling the world.

I dont think he can give you that though. Just not possible.

I think its better you dont move in than you do and make them feel unwelcome.

I think you wait until youre both child free

I would have a bit more faith that your SC will get where they want to in the end. Dropping out of college or having MH difficulties in Y11 doesn't consign anyone to a dead end life. They might go to uni a few years late or start at the bottom somewhere and work their way up. I know one 20 year old who couldn't take her GCSEs due to MH difficulties who's now managing a pub, and another who went to uni at 22.

However the current set up, with your house being something of a respite for your husband and meaning you don't have to live with teens you don't want to live with, sounds really sustainable and sensible for the foreseeable.

Seems pretty clear to me that your plan to move in together is not going to work. Your boyfriend seems to have his head in the sand about how it'd be for you to sell your place and your children's home, but still be living with other people's kids. Think you need to have the difficult conversation about this.

Dangerous move. Keep finances separate.

I'd be waiting a couple of years to see where the land lies with regard to the kids. Living with adult step kids is a challenge and not one I am currently enjoying.

OK here's a thought. You both move into one house and the kids move into the other...they pay small rent for living there and you use that to travel?

And don't forget that Labour are introducing co-habiting rights for both parties so once you are living together, 'rights' of some sort will start to accrue on that house, who so ever it belongs to. If it's your house, he'll start to gain rights to your house. If you live in his house, you'll start to gain rights to his house...

Could get ugly.

Don't be like my sister in law who bought a flat with her boyfriend and now wants to leave him but can't because they've bought property together...

I dont this that bill will passs. I bloody hope not.