To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

So it is oknfor your kids but not for his.

FML for their sake you absolutely should not move on together.

Could you maybe expand on the reasons why he thinks they'll be gone soon (by the fact he's sending you links) but you dont think they will?

Do not sell your homes and jointly buy one together. It's so high risk.

You don't need to live together to be in a relationship.

Revisit when the twins have finished school, then remind him the plan is for when they leave home.

I would tell him that you think you would be happiest if all the kids have launched as adults and had their own homes before the two of you moved in together.

That way he can't say you are targeting his kids.

Can he afford to buy his kids a flat when they turn 18 or 20 etc?

Don’t just don’t. Speaking from experience your relationship will never be the same

So your children will always be welcome in your joint home , but your partners children won’t be you sound delightful and a bit of a snob. If I was your partner I’d run now.

Sounds like he wants rid of his kids and moving in with you will allow him to do that. You'll be the evil stepmother preventing these kids from having the support of their dad while they transition to adulthood. Plus it sounds like you are better off than him which will create further problems when his kids need bankrolling for something.

I wonder if he thinks moving him and his kids in with a woman will mean his messy house will no longer be messy.

What does he think his children are going to do at 18? Do they live with him now or just visit?

I think you're missing OP's point.

Her home is there for emergencies. She doesn't expect her kids to live with her.

But it sounds like his kids will be living with their dad for a long time.

It is in everybody's interests for everyone to live in their own homes.

Yanbu. You already know that you’ll be the one expected to contribute the most financially.

While there’s always a ‘risk’ of young adult children not being able to move out, the chances of that being the case for his children are significantly higher. That is not what you want to sign up for.

You clearly resent the idea of supporting his children but not your own, so you obviously shouldn’t live together. There’s nothing wrong with that, they are his kids not yours, just be upfront that the idea won’t work.

You shouldn’t be getting rid of your children’s bedrooms until they have settled down. Living in student housing or moving from house share to house share does not count. They don’t have to have purchased property, but they need to be in a place that really counts as home.

Only having a couple of spare bedrooms when there are four children means you aren’t actually prepared to welcome your children home if needed.

100% not unreasonable. If his kids don’t leave it’s likely they would have a room each which would leave none for a spare room for your kids if they need it. It would be like you moved into his family rather than the two of you living together with kids from both sides popping back now and then.

I’d say downsize yourself to free up a bit of cash and leave him to stay in his house with the kids, or he could move in the small house with you and leave his kids in his one. He’d have to pay you rent though so financially might not work.

If we bought together we’d both release some equity, but we’ve always discussed using that to travel and fund our retirements. If he spent it on property for his kids, his would be gone, and I’d be funding the retirement fun myself. So I’d be indirectly subsidising his adult kids and/or his retirement anyway.

I have separate savings to provide my own kids with a deposit when they’re ready.

Definitely scrap the plan of moving in together. This isn’t going to work. To be honest, you’ve got a great situation. You have your own home, you’re financially secure and have DCs who are going places. Don’t give this up!

Why do you want to live with this man? What is he bringing to the table? If I was you, I’d carry on as you are, together but not living together and review in 10 years time. Seriously!

Where will your daughter go in the holidays then? Some unis have 8 wk terms. My mind is boggling.

Why would you even consider this?

Why does he think his children will be less noisy and messy if he moves in with you? Will he learn parenting skills?

You are right to see the pitfalls now.

Does he not expect his kids to get house shares or rent a flat when they have finished their education and started working full time?

It's possible that he is perfectly happy with his kids living with him throughout their 20s, in which case that's his choice but it shouldn't mean you have to join him in this life.

I have separate savings to provide my own kids with a deposit when they’re ready.

Does DP know about these savings?

Yes, I think this covers it. If his children’s needs were the same as my children’s needs, it’d be fine (and that’s what we were both expecting initially). But they’re not.

That’s really not what she is saying.

Looking around at my friends in their fifties their lives and future plans are significantly impacted by how long it takes their children to transition into financial independence.

A financial mismatch between the OP and her partner could be the cause of quite a lot of friction and that’s not even considering how the kids will feel about having to move home and move in with a new woman. She’s sensible to be cautious for everyone’s sake.