To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

You are much better off being cautious about moving in and taking your time to look at all the various issues than rushing in and regretting it. I read hundreds of threads on here where a blended family have decided to live together and its all gone tits up very quickly. Just hold off until you are 100% sure, whats the rush anyway?

It’s not normal anymore to fully leave home at 18. Even if going to uni you’re still home for big chunks of the year. I’m a millennial and most friends were home for at least a year or two after uni too. All were moved out by 28ish, some had moved out and back a few times.

Any one of the 5 adult kids could find themselves back living at home within the next 10 years - if thats not your bag then better to be up front about it.

Your daughter is only going to university, hardly leaving home.

Also, 18 is hardly an adult. It’s very convenient to think of 18 year olds as adults in your scenario.

I think it’s fairly unlikely, but both of my children would have a home with me if they ever wanted to return. I am in a fortunate position and can financially support them through uni and beyond.

It’s become clear that boyfriend’s children are unlikely to go into higher education or higher paid careers. I honestly don’t think they could afford to move out, nor could their parents help to pay for it.

I’d be very, very careful about making long term financial commitment when it sounds like he’ll be financially supporting his adult children long term

It will impact your finances, retirement plans, etc as well as day to day life.

How would inheritance be set up for the house if he has 3 dependent adult children and pre-deceased you?

Hi children are still young I wouldn't expect 16 and 17 year olds to be the long about moving out any time soon. And your daughter is also still young .
The family home will be their home for a long time yet. My children always came back in the holidays when they were at university and for a while afterwards. So if you don't want to share a home with the children don't move in with their father.

If your daughter is going to university, surely she will still be living at home in the holidays? Same for his children, if they are planning on university it will be a good few years before they are fully left home.

Yabu to assume that any of the children will move out at 18. If you don't want to live with him while they live with him, that's your decision. Your daughter is only at Uni and will be home for the holidays and possibly after. You say you can financially support her so she doesn't come home but either way, you are still supporting her/being responsible for her, just in a different way.

It’s a bit odd that you expect teenagers to be moving out. University maybe but, as kids are expected to be in education till 18 how are they supposed to move out.

Even back when I was 18 in the 1990s, the only ones of my peers to move out were those who’d been in care and got a flat through SS. Even the ones who went to uni were back home in the holidays and after graduation didn’t get their own places straight away. They needed decent paying jobs and to save!

I think it's quite rare that children move out at 18 these days - your daughter may be going to uni but there is generally a lot of holidays and she will likely need somewhere to return to for the 3 month summer holidays, christmas etc?

I don't see the appeal in living with someone else's kids of any age. The step parenting forum on here is thousands of threads of women whose lives are utter hell, and it's 100% optional.

The job market is dire and people can't afford to live, so his kids likely won't be going anywhere.

Do you own your own house? If you do, don't give that up for some man! Protect your financial and housing independence.

I dont think living with him is for you, his children are not going to just blend into the background like you are hoping.

He’s sending me links because his children are messy and noisy, and he’s looking forward to moving in together!

We both have four-bedroom houses currently and the idea was to buy a different four-bedroom so we had a couple of spare rooms, could release equity and enjoy travelling and working less.

YANBU to hold off on moving in together but I think you’re short sighted if you think none of your children (biological or step) will ever need to come back home and live with you for a bit even after they move out… for example 18 year olds who move away for university often come back between terms and sometimes after graduating until they find a permanent job. And there are other life events like relationship breakdowns, issues with buying/selling homes, redundancies etc. that lead to people needing to move back in with parents.

not scrap it altogether, but definitely clarify that when you agreed to the general plan, you were assuming that "when DSDs are 18" meant "when they are independent adults" and now that they are that much older and it's looking like that might take a few more years. Hold your line that when you move in together it will be into a household of two, you and him, perhaps (if you can afford it) with a guest room or two that any of your kids might from time to time use for visits at christmas or whenever. For as long as his house is going to have a room that is DSD Twins' room or DSS's room, you will maintain your own separate and independent home and will not be moving in

My parents home has their bedroom, their study, and two guest rooms which are used by myself and my siblings and other relatives and friends interchangably. That is entirely normal. Housesharing with a group of adults is hard work that you have every right to decline.

It is their home for as long as they need and beyond
There is no way even at any age my mum would even imply I wasn't welcome.
Let's face it. This is a dead end. You simply don't want a man with children.

Neither of my children went to uni or saved for a flat before moving out. My DS moved out at 21 into a rented flat then saved up and bought a shared ownership house at 23 (with no deposit from me or anyone else). My DD moved out at 19 and lives in a rented flat. I didn’t think either of them would ever move out and yet they did! However I would be reluctant to subsidise other people’s children.

Definitely stay living independently. You don’t need any of that shit.

This is what I’m thinking. His children are perfectly nice but I don’t want to live with them or subsidise them (and wouldn’t expect him to live with or subsidise mine, either). Of course we’d have spare rooms for short-term/holidays/emergencies but I don’t want to live in a houseshare. I did that when I was a lot younger!

So you would effectively be subsidising his children because two of the those bedrooms will likely be taken by his kids for a very long time.

Don't give up your lovely life for his 'messy and noisy' life.