To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

I think it's too soon for that, OP. Wait until all his kids are living independently. Everyone will be unhappy if you all start living together with these tensions.

I agree with PP, stay in your own homes. It's still early days with his kids - there are 3 of them and they are younger. 16 is young and they sound like they will still need active parenting for years yet. Things might be different by then - but perhaps not and there is a good chance they will be 18 and 19 and living at home. I suppose by then you will have a better idea - so I wouldn't be making any decisions until then. I think your idea of a 4bed in the foreseeable future was quite optimistic - it's very common for kids to be back and forth for a few years.

It would be fair to your DP to say that you want to live with him but it would be after all the kids have moved out and not until then. I don't think it's unreasonable or mean, just that you have done your parenting years and you are looking forward to living just the two of you.

This is what I’m struggling with. I thought I’d found someone with very similar circumstances and views, who would be a companion through our twilight years.

If he’s not able to do the things we expected, we may not be as compatible. Which is a real shame.

Um so your 18 year old also won't have a room at your place?

When I went to Uni I was in halls so was home for months of the year in the uni holidays. I also lived at home for 2 years after uni (working full time & paying board) before I moved in with my boyfriend. When my cousins went to Uni my aunt changed their rooms to a home office and home gym and they had to sleep on a sofa bed when they came home - my mum saw that as cruel and the opposite of supporting children.

I have an 18 year old. He's at uni but is living at home. There's no way on earth I'd have repurposed his bedroom. He still needs us, even if he'd gone to uni in another city, I'd still want him to feel that this is his home.

The 2 16s and the 1 17 are still his children, they don't get cut off as soon as they turn 18 like they're living in care. (And the way that young people are treated in the care system as older teens is awful, they still need parental figures and guidance and support).

I wouldn't call two 18 year olds "adult children" in the same way that I'd call two 28 year olds "adult children". Yes, they're legal adults but they're still teenagers.

I've seen your follow up post that says they're unlikely to go to uni or "higher paid careers". Do they currently live full time with their Dad? My step daughter's in her 20s and didn't go to uni or a "higher paid career" but she's getting a trade, she's learning skills on the job, uses her wages to travel and lives full time at her mum's.

YABU. He is their dad. You come last I'm afraid.

Could a solution be: once his kids are 18 he moves into your place and leaves his kids looking after his house?

He can charge them rent and let them take responsibility for utilities and council tax etc, and from that rental income he gets he can pay you for share of bills etc.

Then that gives you a few years to see if living together is working out, but also means his kids still have a home if they want and a chance to practice Adulting.

It just doesn't sound like it will work for you to move in together. You've acknowledged that your DCs will always have a home with you if they need it and surely your 18 yo will be returning from uni during the holidays so you will be her homebase. It's not reasonable to have those intentions for your own children and different ones for your partner.

Actually he should come last. OP should prioritise her retirement and happiness.

Does your stepdaughter still have a room at your house too?

They live between their mum and dad’s. Legally she has majority care, in recent years it was more like 50/50, more recently it varies a lot and they can each spend weeks at different places depending on who’s fallen out with whom. They have a stepdad at their mum’s who none of them are particularly keen on, and I believe the feeling is mutual, so I wouldn’t be surprised if their dad’s becomes “main home” once they’re over 18.

At 16 and 17 they will probably be at home for quite a few years yet.

I’d happily live with his children between uni terms or short-term between rentals, same as mine. I would struggle to live with them all full time indefinitely.

I'm surprised at the number of poster on here that don't consider going to university as leaving home. Our oldest went to uni and worked most holidays and stayed in uni city. Now graduated and working and living in uni city full time. Ditto our next oldest, more or less. Once both of them went to uni they've only come back for the odd week or two, never for the whole summer holiday as I would consider normal. What young adult wouldn't want freedom from parents once they've had a taste of it?

Honestly OP, unless you plan to live in an enormous house with your partner and children so you all have pots of space don't do it. What if they are the sort of people who never leave? 😱😱😱

Our finances were similar when we met - both owned our homes and due to pay off the mortgages in the next few years, similar income, both supporting teenage children. I have more in savings than him because he pays maintenance to his ex and I receive it from mine.

The issues with his teens have only arisen in the past couple of years.

Oh I hear you. I thought the same, and then I realised he will not have anythign like the pension I will, and like you I want to travel and do lovely things, and retire early (Im 52). He wants that too and will be able to contribute but it wont be 50/50. So I will have to sub him. It was something I really wrestled with. Ultimately I decided it was worth it for everything else he brings to the table.

Only you know though. Are you madly in love?

Yeah my ds never really been" at home" much since staring uni. He spent summers working ( either in uni city or abroad or travelling) and the last year he was in a flat with his girlfriend. After graduating they then had a different flat together.

He did come for the 2 weeks when accommodation wasn't available at end of first summer/ start of 2nd

You're spectacularly mishearing, yes. I meant what I wrote, which is that it's completely fine.

OP has since said he does actually think his DC will be off soon as well, but that doesn't change my opinion about it being 100% ok for her to decide against the plan after all.

It’s been the opposite for most young adults I know. We live in a big city and many kids go to uni outside of it but making their careers offers more opportunities here than anywhere else, but rents are higher. So most come back for at least a while, while they save for their own place. They still have their freedom if the parents are reasonable people!

don't move in together

Well I guess it depends on one's PoV. The kids never asked to be born, nor for their parents to divorce, nor to live with a (to them at first) strange adult. But shit happens and kids come last it seems always. One can only hope the strange (to them at first) adult isn't selfish and understands the afore mentioned facts - so yes lives on her own prioritising herself or compromises and lives with the dad and his 18yr old kids.

I can imagine it’s more common to return home if the parent lives in a city with opportunities. We live rurally and it’s very rare. Some do move back in their thirties with their own young families.

Nobody’s? The difference is I won’t be living with my children into their 20s and potentially beyond.