To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

You still come home in the 2nd, 3rd year.

OP has already said she's fine with the kids being there between terms.

if you both have properties to sell why not keep one and buy a small flat/holiday/weekend bolt hole for you both.

Op would be funding his kids to live in their home. I agree with OP, that's not fair.

So his children will become less messy and noisy because you're in the new similarly sized house? Or is he just speeding towards a situation where he can absolve himself of thos particularly responsibility, and leave the cleaning to his woman?

Unless you're desperate to blend families, I'd absolutely not be buyinga house together, , but I have 1 very cooperative child and highly value the peace that comes with that.

It's very dependent on the uni and course. I went to Durham where years 1 and 3 are in halls so it's only the middle year they're in a house full time and they have to vacate their rooms in halls in holidays. They are let out for conferences. You can leave some stuff in the lockable bed at Easter and Christmas but from June to October you're out of luck.

I would punt the idea of moving in together into the very long grass!

Of course he is keen to live together and is sending you links - it sounds like the only winner from moving in together would be him! Move in with messy and noisy near-adults / soon to be young adults? No thank you!

Move in with said young adults when there’s no plan to leave home any time soon? Even more no thanks.

He clearly envisioned you tidying up after and cooking for the whole tribe of them, with his kids occupying all the rooms, at a cost saving for him.

The same obviously applies to your children - your youngest is hardly leaving home, they’re just going to Uni! Kids can boomerang for many years as pps have said. You e said that they’ll always have a home with you - they won’t if his kids are in all the bedrooms! And then, you want to be able to provide this, and so does he, so the idea of having all the kids off your hands in a couple of years was never going to work.

I would say to him, let’s not look at houses until all the kids have moved out, as you only want to do it when it’s primarily just you and him.

That sounds amazing, so many people don't do that! Maybe just a couple more years than you thought, it's tough times with jobs etc.. fingers crossed it works out for you all

I’m going to have to have that conversation. I think I need to formulate a Plan B for myself as well. I know I don’t want to live with his adult children indefinitely and I am pretty sure I don’t want to delay my retirement plans either.

Yes I had this at Uni too - half the year was spent back at home with my parents!

I hated it as my parents lived in the middle of nowhere- I got used to having a social life on tap during term time and what felt like a life, and it was all put on hold for half the year!

I am not sure what the fair financial situation would be for you, but really I was making the point that if you can afford it you could get a small additional property that you could enjoy as a couple. Acknowledging that you may have all your kids at home for a bit longer than you think. If you want to be together in peace without a years long wait - well it is an idea.

The graduate job market - even for top candidates from great unis with a first class degree, work experience etc is very poor. It may improve by the time your youngest leaves university, but it may not. I wouldn’t count on not having to house or finance your kids for a few years beyond uni.

Oh no! Maintain your independence and let him sort their things out himself. Blending sounds like a terrible idea at this point.

The thing is, that would only benefit him and his children. It would directly negatively impact me (because my money would be spent funding our retirement) and my children (because they wouldn’t have anywhere to return to, and reduced inheritance).

I’m not prepared to subsidise his retirement and his adult children to my own family’s detriment.

That’s fine, I can afford to. It’s different to them never leaving home.

Yep, we had such short terms! 9 weeks x 3 I think. My particular course was 4 years and I had been with DH since year 1 so we shared a (private rental as opposed to student) house for the last year and got jobs, but we could only afford to do that because we combined our part time incomes. And we were 23 by then!

I think the previous poster meant staying in your current homes but also buying equal shares in a flat for couple time. Maybe not.

It sounds like he may be supporting his children for a good few years in every way well into their 20s.

Lucky you. Am guessing privileged middle class NT children. Cost of living/housing/job market is awful. Add in ND. And then sadly this generation were badly damaged by covid. Is it so hard to understand that YOUR experience in your bubble may not be the same for everyone .

He wants to do it because he knows his life will get easier.
I.e. he knows it will be easy for him to make sure that you will be dealing with all the stress & domestic work while he lives the life of a single & childfree man.

I'm not sure why you thought his 18 yr olds would automatically be flying the nest at 18, it isn't the norm.

The more you write the more it sounds as if you should be not be buying a house together but should also contemplate separating as you have different plans for how you see the future .

Yes, lucky me but you're guessing very wrong with the privileged middle class NT children assumption and you can add in a couple of serious chronic lifelong illnesses as well.
Definitely not in a bubble, unless it's a bubble of non NT and ill heath.

To be honest, I think all the children involved would be considered middle-class, privileged and NT. My boyfriend and I lead similar lives as do most of our friends. That’s why we assumed our children would follow the same trajectory.

We have the same plans… I am just worried he’s not being realistic.