To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

TBF they've not even got as far as proposing a bill yet. There was a consultation, which has now closed, and nothing since. Is it even a priority for Burnham?

Hi op don’t do it you never know when an adult child might need to move back home. You don’t want to tie yourself up financially with him. It will affect your future and kids inheritance best to keep it as it is.

Of course he does.
It's no laugh having 3 or 4 adult children, even post university ones living and wrlorking from home, even your own.

But other people's children would be a huge no for my menopausal nerves.

I think it’s a bit naive to assume that his kids will all fly the nest at eighteen. Thinking about my friends, most have at least one child at home well into their twenties due to commuting to university, working etc.

voted YABU because the timeline of your original plans seem unreasonable given the experiences and young ages of all the DC, even before the challenges that his teens are facing, and that he and his ex are therefore facing.

With the economic and housing challenges most young adults experience it was odd to think you’d be living just with your DP for most of the tome. Many young adults would find it unsettling for a parent to move house and move in with a partner at a similar time to starting university.

Your DP’s DC have a ‘blended’ family and much younger siblings for half their time already.

YANBU to continue to live separately and prioritise yourself and your DC.

You seem to have concluded that they’re not going down ‘successful’ paths. Did your son move out recently? They’re 7/8years away from your son’s current age.
you don’t sound like you should live together tbh

She can still leave him but they will have to sell the property/ buy each other out.

It would only apply to future couples living together who have children , if it ever comes to fruition which would be years away.

I think your trajectories are currently looking very different and only you can tell whether you can wait 5 years until you are ready to retire and reassess if things look like they could work, or whether you quit your losses now and look for someone in a more similar position to you. Have you been able to have that frank conversation with him?

OP I would either buy a six bed together or live separately.
You will end up doing too much washing and ironing etc!
Your children are moving on in the near future and I expect you wanted more of a lock up and leave. You bfs children are not going to fit in that!
I'd also make sure you buy a property that is future proofed. Downstairs extra reception that could be a bedroom and a shower room.
We're doing this and it costs the same as our 5 bedroom house.
Fwiw my DD had a hard time at school. No drugs or partying but online cult activities that ruined her exams and options. It took years and a few school changes to get her back on track. She's now a clinical undergraduate.
Your bfs daughters are bound to kick off especially if their bio mother has had more children. I suspect their house is overcrowded and difficult. Loads of men can't behave around teenage girls. They either want to control them or even become something unseemly. If they don't like him it's for a reason.
These family dynamics are a lot of work and at your age do you want that?
I'm a bit older than you but not retired. I'm long term married but I wouldn't do it again. Too much sacrifice.

Like you I wonder whether it will come to fruition at all, but is the rest not a bit premature? The consultation response hasn't even been published yet, and the proposals didn't specify it could only apply to couples with DC.

You are right, it is just my opinion that it would only apply to couples with children..as in married in all ways bar the registry office rather than couples living together for fun.

Beginning to think the long grass isn’t far enough.

I think you will probably need to decide to continue to live separately to get your peaceful retirement.

I would keep my finances completely separate for the sake of your children's future. Surely you want your equity to go to them. Don't get married, don't sell any of the houses. Once his children move out, let him move in with you and rent out his house, then split the rental income. You'll have spare bedrooms in case any of the children needs to move back in, but when things get complicated and the situation doesn't suit you anymore, they can all move back to their house.

Don't move in together. My DP has three children - two in their late 20s who are amazing, and one 19 who is less so and who has only recently been able to see DP. I have two (16) and he moved into my house and it is my house. We will never marry and his children are welcome to visit but they will never be welcome to move in - nor would they expect to.

Here’s a different option:

My auntie had a 30 year relationship, they never lived together or married (both had grown up or nearly grown up kids). They spent most of the week together between their houses, went on holiday several times a year, had a brilliant social life together. They spent time with both sides of family, to the adult kids it was “mum / dad’s partner” rather than a step parent, and to the grandkids eventually they just had extra grandparents who didn’t live together. No issues with things like wills / inheritance, they had their own money and property, they did what they liked with it.

Do you need to live together? Could you downsize now so you get to retire when you wish, he can downsize at a later date? I wouldn’t subsidise his travel, but it will free things up a bit. Whether his kids are still living at home or not, in a few years he will not need to fund them in the same way, he needs to make it clear there will always be a roof over their heads but when not in education they should be working, paying board, paying for their own social lives, cars, clothes etc. That will boost his income.

A lot of my family and friends have had to return home at some point. I wouldn’t take on his kids but you don’t know when yours might need to come home too, and it would be fair to him to be a bit pissed off if yours are welcomed back if they get made redundant or split up with a partner. If you don’t live together, you never need to worry about each other’s children or financing / housing them.

Realistically, it sounds like you could be looking at his children not being stable in jobs and independent living arrangements until their mid 20s, so best to hold off living together till then.

So next time he sends you a link, reply with “This house won’t still be available by the time all of your DCs have moved out.”

Scrap the plan. It’s incredibly difficult living with someone else’s children.

I wouldn't be moving in with my boyfriend in these circumstances. Enjoy what you've got on weekends/holidays. If you move in you'll be picking up after several adults, and subsidising them too, and the resentment will destroy your relationship.

Must admit, that thought crossed my mind. Why house hunt now when you’re two years away?

Also, do the dc know you plan to move in together when the youngest turn eighteen? It almost feels like you’re kicking them out so you can have your cozy life together. You’ve evicting the kids out of their homes. I get the (very good) reason why you haven’t moved in together before , but the timing seems a bit off to me.

I moved out at 18, but came back at 22, then again at 28, then again in my 30s, for a year or so at the time.
my old boss had five daughters, all adults and some with kids and I remember him saying there had never been a time when one of them wasn’t back home for a period, after a divorce or break up or some troubled period.
with daughters I think it is especially common.
I think either you should be planning to buy a bigger house or one with an annexe, or not moving in if you wouldn’t want to ever live with them

No don't move together yet - wait for few more years. They won't be leaving at 18, if you're lucky perhaps at 21. Just wait for the twins to leave at least and then discuss the exit plan for the third, after which you can house hunt. You're trying to do this way, way too early. I'm sure your boyfriend is keen to move in with you to gain a cleaner / household organiser, but don't make any rash decisions.

YANBU. I do think it's unrealistic to expect all children to fly the nest at 18, that really isn't the norm anymore.

What do you think he would say if you told him that you couldn't live together until all children had left home? He seems keen to do it ASAP because he's the one that stands to benefit the most. There's no point even looking at houses at the moment as your DD is only 16. Do you think he would rather speed it up?

I know the general consensus is that your children should be able to live at home until they can afford to move out, but how long will DP realistically allow it if they aren't in a position to do so until they are well into their 20s/30s?

I moved out at 17 (a long time ago), and have had a couple of temporary returns, as has my brother who has spent more time as an adult living with them than not. My mum and stepdad were very emphatic that they had plans and that me and my brother had to move out (this was my second and final temporary stay when I was in my 30s, and my brother hadn't moved out yet) as the house was going up for sale and they were downsizing so they could travel more.

I'm not sure i would be optimistic about your future together tbh.