To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

We deliberately didn’t blend families because we thought it would be better for the children to continue to live separately during their exam years. We both considered it more important that they had stable homes without stepparents or stepsiblings than for us to live together. DSC have had many issues with their stepdad (from what I know, he’s not awful, it’s just hard parenting someone else’s teenagers).

It was 100% the right choice. But we’d both expected to be able to prioritise ourselves and our relationship once the children grew up.

That's fair enough as long as the young adults are also reasonable people to live with and not cooking at 2am, leaving the house a total mess and generally treating it like a student house as has happened to some I know.

No because we live in a 3 bed terrace and we always had the boys sharing and her having her own room. A couple of years ago she suggested that one of the boys has her room as they were getting older and she wasn't sleeping over at ours regularly. We didn't rush it, she still has her belongings in that room and if she does sleep over, the brother who has that room sleeps in another room.

As a child she stayed with us midweek and weekends, 2 or 3 nights a week, as she got older she was going out with mates on the weekend or working then going out, and the more independent she got the more she chose to stay at her mums (as it was closer to work and college and pubs and town and her friends).

We're not in the middle of nowhere but we're in a different town and we're further away from the city.

If she'd not suggested the change, the boys would still be sharing. They've got other spaces in the house for them to have friends over to (a garage with gaming and sofa bed and stuff). We'd also looked at a loft conversion but we had to use that money for something else house related and essential not aesthetic.

A hard question to answer!

We are in love, but I’m conscious we’re only “dating” and if I had to live with his children indefinitely, or I had to sacrifice my retirement plans because of them, the shine would be tarnished.

So you want your children to always have a home with you, but not his to have a home with him?

Why are you looking at houses anyway when none of his are adults?

saying "you'll always be welcome here" to an adult offspring who has been working hard, has got qualifications and a career, and who has their own expectations for being independent and self-reliant but who nevertheless may during the course of 50 years have some kind of cataclysmic event e.g divorce/subsidence/victim of fraud that might lead to them needing to shelter in the parental home in the short term is a TOTALLY different proposition to saying "you'll always be welcome here" to an adult offspring who has no plans to attempt to strive for independence and no expectations of earning enough to achieve self-sufficiency any time in the foreseeable future. There cannot be the same rules for the two sets of adult offspring when their situations are so different.

No, it’s not been two years of really serious problems. It’s only really become apparent (to me) that there’s a problem in the last six months, when DSS failed his course and SDDs failed their mocks. DSS was always going to take a more technical route (but he was still very diligent until last year), and SDDs were originally predicted the same grades as my daughter.

My boyfriend and I don’t talk about our kids’ educations that often! I do think he has his head in the sand.

This is very true, It's very easy to offer 'you'll always be welcome' when you know your children would rather be independent and would only take you up on your offer on pain of death. It's a bit different when you make the same offer to an adult child who is going to spend the next 30 years malingering round your house like a bad smell.

Thank you, this sums up how I feel.

It does sound a bit like you can’t wait to turf out his 16 year olds because they don’t fit in with your plan. I agree with others, it’s not the time now to move in while his kids are young

I have to admit - rightly or wrongly - thats my set up. My DP has two kids (10 and 12) who visit us every Sunday. I have all adult children (20s). My DP came to live with me as he was renting, and I own my place.

My children could always come live with me, anytime, if they needed to. Its possible I guess, and life sometimes means you need help. So yeh, although it woudl be a struggle I would welcome them with open arms.

I wouldn't be thrilled at the idea of his kids living with us though if that ever became a possibility. Unlikely for either situation to come up, but you never know. I think that is the benefit I have that it is technically my house. I really would reconsider things if they potentially want to live with him. And likewise he might if it were mine too!

CHrist what a leap and dripping in judgement.

I feel the same. These aren’t really my stepchildren, I’ve never lived with them or had any involvement in their upbringing, and they would be, to all intents and purposes, unrelated adults moving into my home that I’d be expected to subsidise and look after. It’s just not going to happen. I like them and want the best for them, but not to my own or my children’s detriment.

He should be more focused on his children and less on making them feel like he doesnt want to live with them past the age of 18. What a useless father.
Posts like this make me so thankful my dh is such a good dad and would never put his needs above our teens.
You will definitely regret moving in together.
How old are you both? You speak about retirement alot .

Are you willing to wait 8-10 years because that is realistically the earliest you can expect all the dc, yours and his to be independent. The last of ours moved out at 24 and apparently we are the lucky ones, most my friends are still trying to coax dc into their own houses at 27/28! University is only 7 months of the year too, I think you were unrealistic to expect your dc not to be with you mostly too.

I think you are being a bit unrealistic sorry! I thought mine had left and I was happy living on my own. Then bang it went wrong for them both and they were back - it is clear to me now that it is not easy for young adults to leave home and I have revised my vision of the near future.

if you both have properties to sell why not keep one and buy a small flat/holiday/weekend bolt hole for you both.

In five years, I’m going to be in a position where I can downsize and go part-time, if not retire entirely. My DC will be 23-29 and I would have money saved for their house deposits. The equity release, alongside private pensions, would give me a good quality of life.

Would I be willing to delay all of that for another five years? I don’t know. I’d be able to build up more money, but I know many people who’ve died in their 60s, and I don’t want to regret it, especially if his children never reach the point of independence.

Even when at uni your domicile is your family home, not wherever you live in term time.

Do you mean keep his house for his children to live in, whilst I buy a small flat, and we both enjoy the proceeds of me downsizing? I don’t see how that’s fair.

Only if you’re in halls, which is often only for first year.